Bergen Marriage & Couples Counseling |
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Courses, Courses Everywhere, But Not Any in Human RelationsOur schools require training and proficiency in algebra, ancient history, and foreign languages. However, they give scant attention to the most important and complicated of life's challenges: being a good spouse. Some would say that such a subject cannot be taught in a formal fashion. Not so. Being a good spouse is composed of numerous individual skills that can be isolated, highlighted, and taught at all age levels. These skills can then be practiced on members of one's family, friends, and classmates--the very people the person would practice on with what the child supposedly learns in the informal “at home” classroom. The curriculum to prepare individuals for marriage should focus on the development of such basic interpersonal skills as respect for self and others, compassion, selflessness, respect for the truth, the ability to empathize, express emotions, bond, communicate effectively, and resolve differences. Many studies show that the single most important factor that contributes to the permanency of a relationship is the ability of the couple to argue constructively and resolve their differences in a friendly fashion. This important skill and the competencies mentioned above form the infrastructure for all human relationships, and are critical for compatible living in one of the most complex of all human relationships: marriage. There was a time when the total education of the young took place at home. Eventually, it was recognized that very few parents had the requisite skills and knowledge that society wished to pass on to the next generation, and even if they did, they made poor teachers. We took a step in the right direction by instituting a compulsory system of public education and continually enriched the curriculum to the point where we now include such up-to-date courses as driver and computer education. Why not enrich the curriculum even further by adding such sophisticated courses as “Preparation For Marriage” for singles or premarital couples, and Adult-Ed courses in “Marriage Enhancement” for married couples? Our schools require training and proficiency in algebra, ancient history, and foreign languages. However, they give scant attention to the most important and complicated of life's challenges: being a good spouse. Some would say that such a subject cannot be taught in a formal fashion. Not so. Being a good spouse is composed of numerous individual skills that can be isolated, highlighted, and taught at all age levels. These skills can then be practiced on members of one's family, friends, and classmates--the very people the person would practice on with what the child supposedly learns in the informal “at home” classroom. The curriculum to prepare individuals for marriage should focus on the development of such basic interpersonal skills as respect for self and others, compassion, selflessness, respect for the truth, the ability to empathize, express emotions, bond, communicate effectively, and resolve differences. Overcoming Negative StereotypesSadly, many people consider any course in human emotions or relationships “sissy” or stigmatic. Well, if negative stereotypes such as prudery in sexuality have changed, so can attitudes about education in human relationships. However, as a concession to those people who would feel more comfortable about such courses if they were required, and we do require courses in physical health, why not establish a required progression of courses in mental health and interpersonal relationships beginning with elementary school? If we recognize the dangers of inept driving, why not the dangers of emotional immaturity and unprepared marital partners? For those who still say that such courses are unnecessary, I reply: look at the devastation around you. The “normative” child in this country no longer comes from a two-parent household. The stability and strength that our children once derived from the old-fashioned “nuclear family” is a fading phenomenon. What Form Will This Education Take?Understandably, for the education and training recommended here, there is a need for an experiential and interactive type of presentation rather than the lecture, note-taking format we so frequently experience in school. No problem. Many program formats for the type of workshop and education suggested here can be formulated from the abundance of experience in curriculum development that evolved from the numerous workshops and seminars offered by various humanistic schools and marriage encounter groups all over the country for the past few decades. How long will society continue to ignore an epidemic that destroys fifty percent of American marriages? Shall we continue to shrug our shoulders and ignore this problem, or shall we do something about it? Blackjack players who wish to beat the odds can always sign up for a course in card-memorization. What can the newlyweds do? And what about the "old marrieds?" How Should You be Feeling Now?For one thing, don't feel embarrassed about recognizing or admitting that you need help from a marriage counselor. This is a very healthy first step for you. Denial and delay will only make the problem worse and harder to solve when you finally do face up to it. Secondly, don't feel guilty. In most situations, you and your spouse got very little or no training for your marriage or committed relationship. How is either of you supposed to be a competent partner? A favorite metaphor that I give to my couples involves a summer camp swimming counselor who didn't give a single lesson to any of his campers, but nevertheless, lined them all up at the side of a deep gigantic pool, and called out: "OK, if you want to swim, jump in!" Catastrophe? What else can you expect? And yet, this is exactly what society says to committed couples: "If you want to get married, jump in!" I sometimes make the same point by asking my clients: Would you trust your life to a pilot who never flew a plane before, never had any formal training in flying, and learned all about flying and weather conditions from his friends, some of whom are not around anymore since they crashed their planes? Well, why do you trust your marital happiness to someone with the same lack of training for marriage? Is being in love enough? For more information on this subject, please read the article following this one entitled "Love Conquers All?" What Can You Do To Help Yourself?To help yourself at this point, you can attend lectures and workshops with your spouse, read self-help articles and books, and discuss all of these learning experiences with each other. The self-help measures are all valuable, but especially so at the beginning of your relationship and are even more valuable before your problems take on a heavy dimension. Two of my favorite books for couples are written by the following psychologists who are in the vanguard of research on marriage: We Can Work it Out by Clifford Notarius, Ph.D. & Howard Markman, Ph.D., and Fighting For Your Marriage by Howard Markman, Ph.D., Scott Stanley, Ph.D., and Susan L. Blumberg, Ph.D. Self-help measures are best used for: a) marital preparation to forestall future problems, and b) marital enhancement to improve your ongoing relationship. However, they can also be used to work out problems that have not become too serious. Your spouse married you hoping to increase his/her happiness, not his/her misery. Therefore, before you act or make any statement, especially in a sensitive area, you should ask yourself the question: "Will this act or statement increase my partner's happiness or misery? Will it make things better or worse?" Interpersonal problems are complex and there is no one-solution-fits-all "ultimate wisdom" to the varied situations that couples experience. If the problem has reached a point where professional help is needed, the sooner you begin, the better. Most problems are solvable. With goodwill, commitment to change, and energetic involvement by both parties, you and your spouse can learn to overcome your problems and lead a life of harmony and peacefulness. Aside from the normal periodic problems that assail every couple, why shouldn't the two of you be able to fulfill your dream of living together Happily Ever After? END OF ARTICLE I. "Happily Ever After" FOR MORE "GROWING A COUPLE'S LOVING RELATIONSHIP" ARTICLES PLEASE CLICK HERE. ![]() Inquiries Welcome
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