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Can There Be a Silver Lining Around the Cloud of An Infidelity?

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Section II: An Infidelity To A Marriage Is Like An Earthquake To A House

by Reuben E. Gross, PhD, ABP, ABPP, LMFT

(201) 837-0066
(201) 218-3112

Before reading Section 2 (this article) I recommend you read Section 1 "The Hurt and Pain of an Infidelity." Click Here
 

Please note: In this article, I use the terms "marriage, spouse, relationships, and partner." All of my points are equally applicable to any couple in an exclusive relationship. Similarly, "infidelity and cheating" are used interchangeably.

  1. But Not All "Houses " Are The Same

Hut Estate

Not all Houses are the Same

I generally tell my clients that infidelity in a relationship is like an earthquake to a house. It can reduce the house to rubble or just cause minor damage, depending on how the house was built in the first place, and the level of the earthquake which may vary from a Richter Scale Rating of 1.4, a minor tremor, to an utterly devastating earthquake with a logarithmic Richter Scale Rating of 9.8.

In view of the fact that Tokyo has a reputation for earthquakes, houses in Tokyo are required to be built so as to suffer minimal or no damage should there be an earthquake. Clearly, houses that do not abide by the building code may absolutely collapse. And so it is with marriages. Some relationships can weather a high-level earthquake on the Richter Scale, but others will not withstand even a “low level” tremor.

The following are crucial elements in determining the future of the marriage: The nature and history of the marriage prior to the crisis, the subjective feelings of the hurt partner, the follow up by the offending partner in engaging in the healing process, the maturity and skills of both individuals as well as their philosophies and concept of the marital relationship, their love and level of commitment to each other, and their inner as well as outer constraints to divorce.

The  pain of betrayal, the depth of depression and the feelings of utter devastation will not be assuaged if the offending partner throws out a superficial "I'm sorry" and is impatient with the hurt partner's complaints and expressions of pain. In such a case this traumatic event in the marriage  may turn out to be too much for the relationship to bear and can collapse the marriage. On the other hand, in spite of all the feelings of pain, hurt, betrayal, rage depression,  and devastation, the cloud that envelops the couple after an act of infidelity could be a cloud with a silver lining if it propels the couple into the care of an experienced marriage counselor  and they immerse themselves into the process of healing, growth and rediscovery.

Spring, Ph.D writes interestingly on the difference between a meaningless, fleeting unearned "cheap forgiveness" and "true forgiveness " which is lasting and deep and can only be achieved when earned with patience and perseverance by the offending party.

For more information on this delicate and complex process see "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., and Not "Just Friends" Part IV "The Healing Journey" pp. 313-356 by Shirley Glass, Ph.D.

Now, although the metaphor "infidelity = earthquake to house" is apt, there are many weaknesses in it. In exploring these weaknesses, I will have an opportunity to make a number of points about the various nuances that go into the making and breaking of marriage and show how there is a lot of hope for a marriage that goes through an earthquake.

The Differences Between A Real House And A Marriage "House"

The strength of a real house can be measured by its construction, and experts can predict fairly well how it would stand up under different conditions. Assuming a very mild earthquake: A thatched hut would collapse, a wood-framed house with shingled walls would sustain noticeable damage, but a steel-framed house with brick walls may not sustain any damage.

Now here is one weakness in the metaphor: Unlike the thatched hut where the damage is highly predictable (collapse), this is not the case with a marriage. How can one predict whether a marriage will hold together? Yes, where the marriage is weak (the thatched hut), infidelity could destroy the edifice. But it doesn't have to. There are so many variables in a marriage. Further, in fact, there could be a positive side to the infidelity. This crisis in the marriage could be a wakeup call, and with highly skilled professionals help the marriage may not only survive but may emerge stronger than it was before the infidelity.

Now, If the marriage was "brick-walled with steel girders" prior to the infidelity, in theory, a very mild earthquake should cause no damage, but in fact, even in a very good "A" marriage, infidelity will cause damage and it must be addressed immediately by a professional. If ignored or "smoothed over" by the couple, the damage may very well be "successfully" denied for years and the couple will seemingly have put the event behind them. But in my experience, the damage is still there, lingers in the heart of the hurt party, festers, and if unattended by an experienced professional, may very well eat away at the marriage like termites quietly and slowly destroying the foundation of a house, or build up steam and explode like a volcano, even years later.

Another weakness in the metaphor: No one can predict the harm of infidelity to a particular marriage. In the case of the wife mentioned above who was "ready to sign the (divorce) papers," in response to my question about their happiness in the marriage prior to the infidelity, both said that it had been an "A" marriage. But yet, she was so furious after her husband's infidelity that she felt like divorcing him on the spot.

Now, some may question: "How can there even be infidelity in a very good marriage?" Unfortunately, even very good marriages are not infidelity-proof. Janet Spring, Ph.D., writes in her book "After The Affair" that most men who have affairs have no complaints about their marriage. My own professional experience is similar: When I ask the offending husband "How would you rate your happiness in the marriage before the affair?" it is amazing how many say "I was perfectly happy. It was an 'A' marriage."

Roof Repair  Home After Earthquake

2. Nor Are All "Earthquakes" The Same;

The Difference Between A Real Earthquake and The Infidelity "Earthquake"

Another weakness in the metaphor comparing an infidelty to an earthquake:  Whereas, the intensity of a real earthquake can be measured objectively by the Richter scale, an infidelity cannot; It is subjectively experienced by the hurt party. For example, an emotional email flirtation by her husband, with a woman he never met, might be more hurtful to one spouse than a one night stand to another. When I think of the wide range of the wife's possible reactions to her husband's affair(s) that I have experienced, two very different situations come to mind.

At one extreme: An attractive, friendly young couple, who got along very well, were successful at work,  and were quite happy with each other came to me because the wife had reached her limit and wanted her husband to "just cut it out" and stop fooling around with other women. She was aware of at least five other women with whom her husband had had sex, and was getting tired of it all and very annoyed. It was almost at the level of a spouse getting annoyed because her husband bites his nails or slurps his soup. She was not shaken up, depressed, furious, nor scared for the stability of her marriage…just annoyed, fed up, and wanted him to stop.

At the other end of the continuum: a 60-year-old man came to me because his wife has been hounding him for the past ten years for what she considered an  infidelity that he had committed. Apparently, while his wife was out of town, he took his (female) neighbor out for lunch. The wife did not accuse or suspect him of anything else, but she couldn't tolerate what she considered an infidelity and had been suffering, and making him suffer ever since she came back from her the trip ten years ago.

Another factor in measuring the damage of the "earthquake" : Males and females react differently to emotional vs. physical affairs of their partners. In a recent article in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, researchers confirmed what previous researchers found. In general, women are more hurt by their husband's emotional involvement with the other woman, whereas men are more hurt and angry by their wife's physical involvement with the other man.

Many wives are extremely upset by their husband's attention to pornographic sites, and certainly cybersex. They consider these behaviors an infidelity. I've had numerous situations where a single email, text message, or a suspicious repetition of a number on a cell phone bill has set off a major battle over trust.

Marriage Counseling

An Infidelity Is A Problem That Should Never Be Underestimated

If not treated properly, an infidelity leaves a residue of lack of trust, lingering pain and resentment and will weaken the relationship for years to come, if not absolutely destroy it at some future point. I remember a physician's wife telling me "He was unfaithful with one of his staff 14 years ago, and the relationship was never the same." Apparently, they had "smoothed it over" and went about their business in a state of partial denial. But the pain was there. They had come to me because of recent infidelity on the husband's part...again, with a member of his staff.  The pain of the recent infidelity was greatly magnified because it was augmented by the ever-present pain of her husband's original misdeed, and by her new suspicions that there may have been other incidents that she did not know about. At the couple's third session with me, the wife said: "I've had enough," and she quit therapy, choosing to go to a lawyer instead. When discussing a past or present infidelity I will often say to a couple. "If you cover a pile of garbage with a white sheet, it will not remove the garbage….this problem will not go away; it has to be dealt with."

Assessing The Damage

Coming back to my metaphor of a house that sustains an earthquake. If the owner wants to save the house, he will call in a contractor who will assess the damage. This may include live electrical wires, leaking pipes, broken windows, damaged roof, collapsed wall, etc. All of these have to be repaired to make the house livable. In the case of an infidelity, the husband is not only the precipitant of the earthquake, but he is also the contractor. But whereas a contractor takes out his pad and writes down the damage that he sees with his own eyes, the husband must learn from his wife the nature and extent of the damage to her and to the marriage, as she sees it. This takes place during a structured healing process, under the guidance of the counselor, during which time spouses immerse themselves into many structured warm, loving, attentive and sensitive conversations with each other.

The Silver Lining Around The Cloud Of Infidelity

Couples Therapy In some cases, the couple may say to the contractor: "As long as so many windows are broken, let's replace all of the windows with the kind I've always wanted, and since that wall collapsed, let's just push out the house, enlarge that room and convert it into a dream family room with a cathedral ceiling, skylights, fireplace, picture windows, and a huge TV. Further,  I've always wanted a fantastic sound system for music in every room, etc."

I then say to the husband:

"You are not just the contractor who assesses the damage. You are also the electrician, a huge outdoor swimming pool, roofer, carpenter, mason, glazier, etc. who must fix the damage."

 After the repairs and renovations are completed, the couple ends up with a better house than they ever had before. Now, at this point you know why I believe:

"Yes, there can be a silver lining around the cloud caused by infidelity."

Hands Up If both partners throw themselves wholeheartedly into the healing process, the crisis could become a stepping stone to better and increased communication between the couple, greater bonding, a much deeper understanding of each other, a greater appreciation of what marriage and love is all about, a happier and more mature relationship and a greater love for each other than they ever had before the infidelity lifting the marriage to a level it had never reached before. I have seen this happen again and again, so many times.



How Does The Counseling Process Help?

Couples come out of the counseling process with a marriage far stronger than they ever had. The marriages are saved by a structured counseling process and the healing that takes place. At the beginning of the process, the offending party learns the emotional consequences of his behavior and how much damage he actually did. He is then in a position to demonstrate true regret and repentance. He tries to understand and identify with the pain he inflicted on his spouse, and rather than brush off his errant behavior with such insensitive comments as “it’s over, it’s past, get over it, or forget it” shows a new sensitivity to, respect for, and appreciation of the spouse that he very nearly lost.

With the help of counseling, the husband whose eyes may have been only partially opened to his wife’s anger and pain, is now exposed to the full range and depth of her feelings as he suffers them with her, and supports her during the course of the healing process. He gains a much better understanding of what his wife is all about, what he is all about and what marriage is all about. The marriage is then stabilized on a healthier level and there is an increase of communication and bonding
Additionally, the lines will have been drawn and both understand that this type of behavior is totally unacceptable, and if repeated will spell the end of the relationship. After such a trauma, both members realize that they cannot take their partner for granted, that a marriage is not indestructible, and that it would be a mistake for the offending male to slip back into his former way of thinking. It would be more realistic to say “his former way of not thinking.”

But please note: Whereas the cloud hits the wife suddenly, the Silver Lining comes gradually and only by dint of hard work and in direct relation to how hard the couple works on healing the wounds and repairing the damage.

And although the pain will be greatly diluted, and the great hurt will hopefully be forgiven over time with the addition of many new loving experiences, the memory will linger…yet it, too, will fade over time and lose its negative power.

Faint as it is, the memory will serve a positive purpose. It will be a constant reminder of how important each person is to the other and how sacred is their marriage. It will keep both of them on their toes to constantly think of their partner's happiness and never take the marriage for granted.

End of Section 2: "An Infidelity to a Marriage is like an Earthquake to a House" ("Can There Be A Silver Lining Around the Cloud of Infidelity?")

Click here for Section 1 of this article "The Hurt and Pain of Infidelity"

Click here for Section 3 of this article "In Today’s High Tech Era It Is So Easy To Begin a Secret Relationship And So Easy To Be Discovered"

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silver lining


Section III:In Today’s High Tech Era It Is So Easy To Begin a

Secret Relationship And So Easy To Be Discovered



Infidelity In A High Tech Era: Secrets And Exposures


Reuben E. Gross, PhD, ABP, ABPP, LMFT

Note: Both men and women cheat on their spouses. But it would be confusing if I switched genders in every sentence. Since men do this more frequently, the article is slanted in that direction i.e., the husband is the offending party and the wife is the hurt party. However, all statements go in both directions and the words “husband, wife, partner” are interchangeable. The words “marriage, relationship” are also interchangeable.

Unfaithful partners are seeking their own emotional satisfactions and/or physical pleasures. They do not wish to hurt their spouses. They delude themselves into believing that their spouse will never find out, and what they don’t know won’t hurt them. The purpose of this article is to highlight the fragility of this self serving belief and hopefully deter those individuals who are on the brink of an affair. Further, for those already involved, it is always better to confess and reveal rather than be discovered. The devastation of an affair can be addressed successfully (click here for article “Can There Be A silver Lining Around the Cloud of Infidelity?” Rebuilding trust is more difficult when the hurt party makes the discovery by herself.

Then vs. Now

In olden times, at least among Native Americans, people would communicate with smoke signals from mountain tops, and everybody saw the communication. Until the advent of the telephone, and later the car, people lived in fairly isolated communities and had very little access to others not living very close to them. In small villages and towns, people often knew what others were up to, and so it was hard to keep an ongoing relationship secret.

In today’s high tech era, and especially for people who live in cities, a person can easily engage in secret relationships with others. both within as well as outside of his/her own community, and even with a person who lives thousands of miles away.

People augment their mobility by the use of cars and airplanes; they achieve privacy for their secret meetings by the proximity of motels. When they are visiting out-of-town, or out-of-the-country, they have an even greater choice of secret meeting places.

Nor do individuals have to meet their secret acquaintances face to face to communicate. They can reach out to each other via ordinary telephone, cell phone, and email . They can even see each other via video conference with complete privacy within moments at the press of a single memory button on their Ipad Iphone or a click of the “mouse” on their computer. In a split second, they can send text messages and photos of themselves to a person who lives thousands of miles away. In view of the fact that many people sometimes work late, entertain out-of-town customers, have changing shifts, or need to travel on a regular basis, many spouses do not know from hour to hour, day to day, or even week to week (unless their partner “remembers” to give them the “updated” itinerary) where their spouse is supposed to be at any given time, much less where he actually is.

The Truth Will Out

Often, discoveries of hidden communications or relationships with a third party are made by an unsuspecting partner by accident. This may happen when a partner, e.g., the wife, comes across a very personal text message or email to (or from) her husband, sometimes with attached pictures, from a member of the opposite sex. Such an accidental discovery may come about when a wife is innocently using her husband’s computer to check his email while looking for a particular communication. Or, the unknowing partner might see her husband’s cell phone in some forgotten corner of the house, pick it up to return it to him, and notice a suspicious text message. This might cause her to check incoming and outgoing calls and discover a certain phone number occurring again and again. It is especially suspicious when these calls are lengthy and made at odd hours.

One woman told me that she found it peculiar that her husband took his cell phone with him at all times, even into the bathroom. Another woman was surprised when she was close to her husband’s phone and picked it up when it rang and he grabbed it from her. Sometimes a behavior does not raise a suspicion, but when added to another unusual behavior, the woman thinks back to the first behavior and starts putting two and two together.

At other times, a wife might accidentally come across a female’s name and phone number on a piece of paper, or find a receipt from a jewelry store, clothing store or motel while going through her spouse’s clothing before sending them to the dry cleaners, or she may have been searching his attaché case or wallet for some needed object or information. I’ve had situations where a husband left the room, or car, for a few moments and when his cell phone rang, his wife answered the phone. Imagine her shock when the wife learned that the female caller was surprised to hear a woman answering her “boyfriend’s” cell phone.

Other Sources of Suspicion: Tell-Tale Symptoms of an Affair

Other sources of suspicion that clients have told me include smelling perfume on a husband as he walks into the house. Finding a lipstick or other female item in the husband’s car would certainly have to be explained. However neither of these items are “smoking gun” evidence since he may have done a heavily perfumed female colleague a favor by dropping her off at the train or bus station or by giving her a ride somewhere after work. On the other hand, a “hickey” would be hard to explain.

Sometimes, the wife becomes suspicious when she discovers a cell phone in her husband’s possession that she did not know existed. Or she may note E-Z Pass charges for trips across the G.W. Bridge or the Lincoln Tunnel, not at the usual commuting times of her spouse. On one occasion, a husband told his wife that his arrival time from his out-of-town business trip was at 8:22 p.m., and in fact, he did come home shortly after that time. The problem was that the bill from the chauffer service said that he was picked up at the airport at 1 p.m. The wife wondered how her husband spent his time between the 1 p.m. pickup and his arrival at home at 9:30 p.m.

At other times, a wife’s visit to her husband’s place of business or a chance perusal of her husband’s business credit card bill arouses her interest. Charges from florists, restaurants, motels, gift shops, or female clothing stores that neither she nor her husband frequent will certainly arouse suspicion. In one case, a wife raised her eyebrows when she spotted a charge from Victoria’s Secrets for items that her husband had not given to her. Nor would she ever have worn those items in the first place. And since her husband was well aware of his wife’s taste in that area, she did not buy his explanation that he purchased them for her as a surprise for her next birthday which was six months away anyhow.

Suspicions are also aroused when a husband makes a cluster of changes e.g. his choice of after shave cologne, takes an increased interest in how he looks, joins a gym, loses weight, buys new clothing, or gets spruced up more frequently than usual because he has “an important client” to meet that day. Another symptom of an affair would be a change in the male’s sexual behavior. Sometimes a man will slack off in frequency, claiming he is tired or busy. But in other situations, the opposite occurs in that the errant husband becomes more creative and passionate with his unsuspecting and deluded wife.

Other reasons for a wife’s suspicions arise when her husband spends more and more time away from home or seems more distant or uncaring. At other times, a wife might complain that she called her husband’s cell phone all evening when he was “out with some friends,” left numerous messages, but he never answered his phone, or called her back. Why not? Excuses may range from “I left it off by mistake” to “it was so noisy that I didn’t hear it ring,” or “I left my phone in the car.” How many of these excuses must she hear before she becomes suspicious?

A wife will certainly become suspicious if she catches her husband in a lie, e.g., where he was the evening before. In one situation, the husband told his wife that he came home late because he was delayed at the office. But the wife said that she had called his direct line at the office a few times and he did not answer the phone. Why not? In another case, the husband left the house Saturday morning saying that he was going to his office. His suspicious wife drove to the office a half hour later and did not see his parked car. Where was he?

Except for cases where the husband’s job requires that he meet many people in a variety of settings, the knowledge that her husband was seen in public with another woman would be a cause for great suspicion for most wives. I once had a situation in which the wife’s parents saw their son-in-law come out of a movie with a woman that they did not recognize. On another occasion the errant male, who had a 9-5 office job which did not include out-of-the-office meetings, or entertaining customers was spotted tete-a-tete with a woman by the wife’s friend in a clearly non business setting who immediately communicated this information to the wife by cell phone.

Playing With Fire is Dangerous

An upsetting behavior may range from a comparatively innocent, but secret, phone call or email to someone the husband met in a chat room to the more serious secret phone call, email, or “lunch” with an “ex.” This latter type of errant behavior is all the more damaging when the hurt partner personally knows, or at least has heard about her spouse’s “ex,” and has specifically asked her spouse, or committed partner, to cut off all ties to that person…and he did promise to do so. Sometimes, he will actually call the “other woman” with his wife in the room as he tells his “ex” that since he is now married and does not wish to upset his wife, he is cutting off all ties, and asks the “ex” never to call him either. But he fails to keep his promise.

A suspicious behavior or event can be explained, but not necessarily to the satisfaction of the wife. One wife told me that she found a box of condoms in her husband’s car, and one condom was missing. She did not believe that a friend of his had borrowed his car and “must have left them there.” Another item to consider is that when suspicious evidence piles up, even plausible explanations are not believed. Should they?

Conscious or Unconscious Denial

Sometimes, a wife will close one eye to the suspicious behavior of her spouse. She may even brush off the delicately-put comments of her alert and suspicious close friends. Such a woman may flit in and out of denial, ignoring signs of infidelity because she fears a confrontation and the possibility of the breakup of her marriage. I’ve had situations where this went on for years, and even decades.

Technology Tells All: You Can’t Really Hide

However, in most cases, upsetting discoveries by a spouse are not ignored. The offended partner will then make a concerted effort to retrieve from the computer’s “trash can” the suspected partner’s deleted email messages, and attachments. She will carefully search electronic records of (hopefully undeleted) incoming and outgoing cell phone calls. The suspicious wife will now scrutinize all hard copy phone bills looking for frequent calls to or from a certain number, especially if they were made at a “suspicious” time or will go online to get a list of charges for calls to, or from, her husband’s cell phone. Sometimes, the female partner will simply ask her partner who the phone number belongs to, and at other times she will call the number herself and become very upset if a female answers the phone.

In today’s high tech era, once suspicions are aroused, secret connections are easily traced by the suspicious spouse herself, and the findings often confirm her doubts and support her growing loss of trust. I have also known spouses who were unable to retrieve any “smoking gun” data by their own efforts, but could not ignore the various changes and events that took place in their relationship. In order to clear up the matter they hired a private eye to follow and document the movements of their husbands. Following the investigator’s report, the wife would “innocently” ask her husband how he spent the previous day, or how come he came home so late the previous evening. If her husband’s reply contradicts that of the investigator, it would be a dead giveaway to his wife that he has broken her trust. This scenario is then followed by a confrontation, especially if the investigator presented “smoking gun” information such as pictures, or tape recordings. Private eyes charge by the hour and are expensive.

Do-it-Yourselfers Can Also Uncover The Truth

The do-it-yourselfers, who suspect that their spouse is using the home phone for surreptitious calls, can go to uspystore.com and purchase numerous “spy equipment.” This website has a special section called “Spouse Cheating” and offers a plethora of equipment that suspicious “do-it-yourself” wives may wish to try out. Wives who wish to trace their spouse’s computer activities can buy “007 Spyware” at e-spy-software.com which will track every key pressed including as well as log-ins to such sites as “Facebook,” “Twitter, “Married But Lonely,” EHarmony.com.” “Asian Women,” “Match.com,” “Plenty of Fish,” as well as pornographic and other sites offensive to the wife. These keyword logger applications help a person discover email passwords, incoming as well as outgoing emails, and internet chats. Other spouses buy voice-activated recorders and place them under the seat of their husband’s car, thus determining who he talks to while driving his car. Other sources sell a “Home Evidence Collection Kit” which will analyze stains including body fluids on clothing, car seats or elsewhere.

And for those spouses who wish to track the physical movements of their husband or wife, there is a real-time tracking system that can be hidden in a car, a GPS tracking device, which gives a detailed report of the car’s location and activities. A GPS Live Tracking gives the vehicle’s current location immediately and you can log into this information from anywhere that you have internet access.

Other applications that can be uploaded onto her husband’s cell phone can track his whereabouts by the minute.

Some women go to Internet programs such as “reverse lookup” on Switchboard.com or on Google.com that give the name and address of the person whose phone number is typed into the search bar. Women have told me that once they discovered the name of the other woman, they looked her up on Facebook. They then found pictures of their husband together with the other woman (whom he had denied knowing) on the Facebook page of the woman he had been calling.

One high-tech savvy woman told me that she did not believe her husband when he said he’d be sleeping at a hotel close to the out-of-town meeting he had the next morning. She suspected that he would be at another woman’s house. When she called him at 10 pm and he said he was in his hotel room, she told him to hang up, take a picture of the room with his smart phone and email it to her on the spot. He did not reply with her request.

In her book “Is He Cheating on You?” Ruth Houston relates 829 different signs of cheating. And in addition to all of the tell-tale signs that have been noted here, let us not ignore a woman’s intuition. Many, many women have reported to me “I just had a feeling.”

Summary

In summary, the suspicious behavior of a spouse may embrace a wide range of activities. A spouse who is suddenly “busy” at the office may not arouse suspicion, but doubts may begin to grow, possibly at a subconscious, or even conscious level when a person is questioned and offers a vague explanation for a lateness or absence. Understandably, when a wife catches her husband in an outright lie, or when there is other “smoking gun” evidence, suspicion is extremely high, and a confrontation will ensue. In today’s high tech era, it is easy to start a secret relationship, be it physical or emotional, and maintain it for sometime. But once suspicions are aroused, detection is fairly rapid by most women and certainly by a high-tech savvy wife.

Infidelity can bring havoc to a relationship, but need not destroy it. In fact, it can be a wakeup call to the couple. With proper professional guidance, with true remorse and contrition by the offending party, a healing process can take place, the couple can reassess their lives and their importance to each other, and embrace a mature understanding of the value of their relationship. The couple can very well end up with a better relationship than they ever had.

One of the many hurt women I have helped (as part of a couple that came because of an infidelity), remarked that her husband’s errant behavior was “a blessing in disguise.” It was a shock to both of them and constituted the “wakeup call” that Janis Spring, PhD mentions in her book “After The Affair.” It opened this couple’s eyes to the gradual deterioration of their marriage, the vulnerability of their relationship and their need to stop ignoring the situation. It galvanized them (as it does to others who do not wish to give up) to throw their best efforts into their marriage and make it a number one priority. More on this in my article ”Can There be a Silver Cloud Around The Cloud of an Infidelity?”

Often, an infidelity takes place in a marriage that is vulnerable. However, infidelities can also occur even in good marriages where both spouses they are happy in the relationship. But even if a marriage is “good” after going through a properly conducted healing process following an infidelity, it can become a lot better.

End of Section 3: "In Today’s High Tech Era It Is So Easy To Begin a Secret Relationship And So Easy To Be Discovered" ("Can There Be A Silver Lining Around the Cloud of Infidelity?")

Click here for Section 1 of this article "The Hurt and Pain of Infidelity"

Click here for Section 1 of this article "An Infidelity To A Marriage Is Like An Earthquake To A House"




Back to Top of Page


Marriage Counseling Near Me

Inquiries Welcome

The quickest way to reach Dr. Gross is by phone.

With effort and commitment
you
CAN achieve your goals!

Couples Therapy NJ

Call Dr. Gross at
(201) 837-0066
(201) 218-3112
 
For Mobile and iPad Users Click Here
   
Couples Counseling

Make Us Your Favorite:

www.MarriageCounselorNJ.com

Email:

BergenMarriage@msn.com