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the menu, then select "selection" under Page Range (instead of pages)
on your printing options. by Reuben E. Gross, PhD,
ABPP, LMFT This article addresses the issues of couples who say,
"We have a communication problem," "We're always fighting." It will be shown
that in a reasonably short time, couples can master respectful arguing which
will result in successful complaint and problem-solving skills which are a necessary
ingredient for mutual understanding and a harmonious relationship. Note: For the sake of grammatical simplicity,
I generally use "he" and "his" with the understanding that all points made in
the article are relevant to both genders. Couples who say about themselves "We have a communication
problem," "We can't communicate" or "We're
always fighting," generally mean that they do not
problem-solve effectively. In these couples, a potentially constructive
discussion on how to address a thorny problem that they both recognize, or a
solution-seeking argument on how to proceed in a specific situation where they
know that they disagree, or addressing one person's complaint, quickly deteriorates
into a futile—and sometimes ugly—fight. The purpose of this article
is to explain how people can: 1. Comfortably express their honest thoughts, feelings or opinions on any
matter as well as listen to each other attentively, 2. Make a complaint, discuss sensitive issues, disagree, and even argue their
point of view assertively without fighting, 3. Arrive at excellent solutions that are highly satisfactory to both partners,
or at least, compromise solutions they can both live with. 4. Change the household atmosphere from a state of tension to one of peace
and harmony. Are all these goals really possible? Absolutely! Three Different Ways of Relating: Cooperate, Fight,
Withdraw 1. A Fight is an Argument That Has Gone Awry. The attitude of the fighter is "I'm right, you're wrong" and "I know what
I'm talking about, you don't." With domineering individuals the attitude is
"It's my way or the highway." The fighter is looking to
impose his wish upon the other person and is shooting for a win-lose situation. Learning the Nineteen Rules 3. Some of the Differences Between an Argument
and a Fight B. The Important Role of an Argument
in Relationships 1. Salient features of an Argument In many situations, personal preferences rather than logical justifications
are placed on the scale. In such cases, this should be clearly stated, weighed
in by the partner with respect and care as an emotional factor quite apart from
logic and reason. In a friendly argument neither partner is glued to his position
and both listen carefully to their opponent's views. Both have open minds and
are willing to be convinced that their position should be modified or even abandoned.
Most importantly, friendly arguers are not ego involved
in getting their way, but are looking for a solution to the problem that is
agreeable to both, i.e., a win-win situation. 2. Arguing is Good 3. The Need to Argue, The Importance of Arguing,
The Beauty of Arguing C. Example of an Argument 1. Both Spouses Express Their Views and Give Their
Reasons Wife might try to entice husband to her hotel by reminding him of her hotel's
excellent tennis instructor, and husband might entice wife to his hotel by reminding
her of the ballroom dancing program at his preferred hotel. 2. Both Spouses Are Open to Their Mate's Objections
or Counterarguments Of course, many problems that couples face are much more complicated than
this, but the basic principles stand. When people express
their position, give their reasons for it, and are open to information from
their partner they will sometimes learn the weaknesses of their own position
(in this case the mosquitoes or the poor food), and at other times learn the
strength of their opponent's position (tennis instruction, ballroom dancing).
In the end, they will weigh all the pros and cons and will
generally end up with a solution that is better than their original choice. 2. Both Spouses Are Open to a Rebuttal of Their Counterargument 3. Each Spouse is Willing to Accommodate the Other Or the wife might say: I know how much you enjoy "A's" golf course and since
they have a good spa and a nice swimming pool, I'll forego the steam room this
time. In this scenario, the person who was selfless did
so on his own initiative and both partners are comfortable with the decision. The accommodating spouse has built up good will. 4. Spouses Seek Out and Agree Upon a Compromise
Position 5. Exceptions to the Rule At other times, a person may have personal preferences that have nothing to
do with logic or reason. In fact the "reasons" presented are rationalizations
to support his position but not the real motivation behind his choice. In such
a case, the individual should clearly bring this fact out into the open and
delineate the hidden agenda behind his argument rather than just push forth
"reasons" to support his point of view. Yes, there are exceptions to the structure of an argument as presented here,
and many arguments will experience unexpected twists and turns, but the principles
described above generally hold. If both people are honestly
looking for a solution and treat each other respectfully, and ideas are exchanged
with an open mind, a solution is usually found. It is also true that
in some cases the couple has no choice but to "agree to disagree." In such a
case, the decision should be postponed. If a lot of time has elapsed, and the
decision can no longer be postponed, then the agreed upon solution may end up
favoring one person. However, every attempt should be made to keep the other
person as happy as possible. And the person who gave in now has "money in the
bank" and can draw on this the next time the couple is involved in a hotly contested
decision. For more information on how to argue successfully, click here for "Disagree,
Yet Argue Respectfully and Constructively." Hope For The Future Clearly unresolved differences between spouses result in frustrations, annoyances
and disappointments, which spawn a more painful layer of emotions and attitudes
including ill will, bitterness, anger, and depression. These emotions set the
stage for feelings of futility and hopelessness, indifference to the partner's
happiness, and even feelings of revenge (if he could hurt me by doing "X," I
could hurt him by doing "Y"). This type of thinking initiates a vicious cycle
and a spiraling downward into even more negative couple interactions. This situation can be remedied. In an overwhelming
majority of cases couples who fight, can—and do—transform old habits
and adopt new patterns of behavior within a reasonable period of time. In fact,
I am no longer surprised at how many couples dramatically change the climate
of their household after a few sessions by scrupulously adhering to the nineteen
rules, by playing the role of referee or umpire (as I instruct them to do) and
calmly "blowing the whistle" (rather than counterattack) when their partner
takes the ball off the court by violating one of the accepted rules of engagement. Stopping the Vicious Cycle & Initiating a
Benign Cycle As we begin resolving these underlying problems, we reduce
the secondary consequences of those problems, viz., the hurt, disappointment,
ill will, anger, etc. and the other negative emotions enumerated above. We have
now stopped the vicious cycle and have begun a benign cycle. The cycle of resentment
and indifference—or worse, anger and spite which elicits more negative
behavior or separation and indifference gives way to a spirit of mutual concern,
cooperation and bonding. Changing the mode of interaction from fighting to cooperating
brings the couple so much closer to their goals of living in peace, harmony
and love with each other. It can be done! For instructions on how to print this article please go to the top of this page. (TOP) The
Difference Between Talking and Communicating For instructions on how to print this article please go to the top of this page. (TOP) The
A-B-C's of Good Communication Getting
the True Message Across is the Essence of Communication. by Reuben E. Gross, PhD,
ABPP, LMFT Summary: Both speaker and listener play an important
role in bringing about good communication. The speaker should say what he truly
means and be clear and unambiguous in his statements. The listener should be
fully attentive. Both should take precautionary steps to avoid misinterpretations.
Examples of breakdowns in communication between partners are given to illustrate
the points made in this article. Since neither gender wins an Emmy for communication,
to be fair to both genders, the author will use "he" and "she"
at different times with the understanding that all of his points are relevant
to both genders. People Communicate Both Facts and Emotions However, with regard to the progression, growth, and improvement of personal
relationships, emotions play a primary role. With
people who aspire to be close, such as husband and wife, an honest, respectful,
reciprocal sharing of feelings, attitudes and emotions is of fundamental importance
in building the relationship. Understandably, this sharing is valuable
only when there is an adherence to the basic facts of the situation, rather
than distortions or misinterpretations by either partner. The Goal of Communication is to Get The True Message
Across
Overview of the A-B-C's of Good Communication Let "A" represent the exact thoughts or emotions of the speaker. Let "B" represent the actual words that come out of the speaker's mouth. Let "C" represent what the listener "hears" i.e. his understanding or interpretation of what
was said. In a Perfect Communication
"A" = "B" = "C" "Let Thine Ears Hear What Your Mouth Speaketh" Talmud-Brachot Ideally, the person wants to convey his true thoughts on the subject ("A"), expresses those exact thoughts in words ("B"), and is understood by the listener ("C") exactly as the communication was intended to be conveyed. Let's explore this matter further: In a healthy relationship, it is the speaker's right and responsibility to say what is on his mind i.e., share his thoughts and feelings with his partner. Colloquially, many people praise themselves with, "I say what I mean and I mean what I say." In such a case, what he has on his mind, and what he actually says is the same. Full communication includes positive as well as negative sentiments. A good communicator will transmit such positive sentiments as love, praise and appreciation, but he will also carefully express such negative sentiments as anger, hurt, disappointment, jealousy or other painful emotions when he believes that tactfully conveying these emotions will be helpful to the relationship. A good communicator is aware that even negative feelings can be expressed sensitively and in a constructive manner, and he will do so when necessary because he knows that these feelings are an important part of the relationship and that sharing them is the path to the recognition and solution of problems. When a person is skilled at expressing both positive and negative thoughts and emotions, we have the first part of an excellent communication process since "A"= "B" and the listener gets to hear exactly what is on the speaker's mind. But often, the speaker does not say what is on his mind, or, if he does, he
fails to get his point across. In both cases there is a breakdown in the communication
and a resultant gap in the relationship. Let's consider some of the reasons
why "A," "B," and "C" might not be equal to each
other. If you wish to go directly to any of the reasons listed below, please click
on it.
I. Poor Communicators Do Not Reveal The Complexity of Their Emotional State; They Reveal Only Part of What is Going On Inside of Them, Hence Their "B" is Not The Same as Their "A" Case History One: Annette, a
32 year old housewife with two young children complained to me that her husband,
Jack, a 39 year old successful contractor, always criticized her when she was
on the phone. He was especially harsh when he would come home from work and
see her on the phone at which time he would invariably yell angrily "Why
are you always on the phone?" The words that came out of his mouth were
his "B." His words constituted a loud, angry outburst, and clearly
a criticism in spite of the fact that they were phrased as a question. In exploring the matter during counseling, Jack discovered that in
addition to his anger he was also experiencing disappointment and hurt. And
so, shouting angrily at Annette when he came home did not convey to her all
of his thoughts and feelings, his "A." He admitted to me that
his unexpressed "A" included such sentiments as, "I missed you,
and now that I am home, I would like to spend some time with you, but I can't
because you are on the phone," and this is what he should have said.
However, those tender thoughts were unconscious. The only conscious thoughts
he had were the angry ones. At other times, he was unconsciously thinking and
should have said: "When I come home and you ignore me, I feel rejected
and unimportant to you, I don't feel that I am your first priority." At
still other times, a more accurate expression of his "A" would have
been "When I come home and you ignore me by continuing to talk on the phone,
it hurts me and angers me because I believe that I should be your first priority
rather than the person you are talking to." As noted, Jack
came nowhere near expressing all of his true feelings and thoughts on this matter...in
fact, he had never gone deeper into his psyche to discover the emotions that
lay beneath the veneer of his anger. Jack's "A" and "B"
were not only not the same, they were, in fact, miles apart. By not expressing
his tender feelings towards Annette, he miscommunicated. Understandably, no one would have expected Jack to express all of his feelings so elegantly while he
was taking off his coat, fuming, and Annette was still on the phone. However,
in an ideal situation, later that evening or at a relaxed time over the weekend,
if Jack had been more introspective, more attuned to his emotions and a better
communicator, he might have sat down with Annette to discuss his anger, explore
its underpinnings and reveal the rest of his feelings which included his emotions
of rejection and hurt, the real "A." But this did not happen because although
Jack was aware of his anger when he came home, he was not attuned to other emotions and the complexity of his emotional state. Since his feelings of rejection and hurt had barely
surfaced to his conscious mind—if at all—how could he have possibly expressed
them to Annette? After meeting alone with Jack to explore not only his anger, but also his underlying
feelings of being ignored and hurt, I encouraged him to share them with Annette
at our next meeting which was going to be a joint session. When Jack revealed
his real "A," there was a dramatic change in Annette's attitude towards
her husband. His revelation of his softer feelings were in stark contrast to
the tough, independent, self-sufficient image he had been presenting to her
all along. The fact that he made himself vulnerable to
his wife by revealing this side of his personality opened a wonderful channel
of communication between them that had never before existed. Case History Two: In a situation
similar to that of Annette and Jack's "homecoming experience," Jeff,
a 42 year old regional sales manager, complained that instead of consistently
getting a warm greeting from his wife when he came home from work, he would
be attacked by his wife, Allison, 45 years old, mother of their children and
fulltime homemaker. Both had married later in life and now had three young children
at home. In discussing the matter with the couple, Jeff admitted that Allison's
outbursts were not the norm. He then sheepishly admitted that they only occurred
when he came home later than usual without having called home to advise Allison
of his delay. It was only on those occasions that Allison would get mad and
either shout "Damn it, you're late again!" or she would just ignore
him. During an individual session with Allison she reported that she took no enjoyment in shouting at her
husband or ignoring him. She was always happier when she greeted him with warmth
and affection. She explained that her angry outbursts were due to the fact that
Jeff did not do enough to help with the children, and that the children did not
have enough opportunities to spend time with their father. Often, what she had in mind was (her "A") "The kids are already
asleep, it's such a shame that they didn't see their daddy before they went
to bed." On other occasions she was thinking "I married you because I love
you, but you seem to be married to your job, you don't seem to be eager to
come home and this hurts me." And on still other occasions she was thinking
"I am disappointed and angry that you are hardly around to assume your
responsibilities with the kids, and that you see it as 100% my burden." In
addition to the above reasons for her displeasure, she was especially angry on
those evenings when he had specifically
promised to be home at a certain time, but came home an hour or two later,
without even alerting her, thereby messing up her schedule. Allison was certainly successful in conveying her frustration and anger at
Jeff's tardiness. Unfortunately however, her short angry
outbursts as well as her cold shoulder later in the evening did very little
to convey her other thoughts and feelings on Jeff's late homecomings.
In this situation too, Allison's communication, her "B," came nowhere
near expressing her true feelings and thoughts, her "A." During another individual session with Allison, we discussed
her unexpressed emotions towards her husband, and I encouraged her to communicate
them to him in a loving, rather than angry, fashion. She followed my advice;
this approach made a very different impression on Jeff. It inspired him
to rethink his priorities and make some adjustments in his schedule which allowed
him to spend more time with his family and participate more actively in satisfying
the needs of his wife and children. II.
Communication Breaks Down When "C" is Not
The Same as "B" Due to Inattention, Selective Hearing, Misinterpreting,
or Mind Reading In some cases the speaker is quite good at saying exactly what is on her mind, but the listener does not get the message
that was transmitted. The "C" that he hears, i.e. his
interpretation of what was said is quite different from the "B" that she
actually said. This type of communication breakdown could occur for a variety of reasons including: 1. Inattention, 2. Selective hearing, that is, he only hears what
he wants to hear, and blocks out the rest, 3. Misinterpreting, or mind reading. In misinterpreting,
the speaker may make an innocent statement; in mind reading, the speaker hasn't
even said a word. In both cases their partner "hears" a criticism
or "senses" an imminent attack and reacts accordingly. II. 1. Illustrating When "C" is Not The
Same as "B" Due to Inattention There are occasions when the speaker does a great job in translating her thoughts
into clear language, "A" = "B," but fails to get her targeted
listener's attention. Perhaps she shouted something from another room thinking
that he heard, but he was doing something while she was
talking and since he did not give her his full attention, he misheard her.
In a similar situation the "listener" didn't even know that someone
was talking to him and therefore didn't hear anything. In such a case, "C,"
"what the listener hears" is not the same as "B," "what
the speaker said" and the communication fails. II. 2. Illustrating When "C" is Not The
Same as "B" Due to Selective Hearing In the case of "selective hearing," the man may have heard the part
wherein his wife/partner described a problem but he "didn't
hear" the part where she asked him to do something about it. Or
she may have asked him to do something now, or today, and he only heard what
had to be done, but "didn't hear" when she wanted it done.
His "C" is not the same as the "B." The "selective
hearing" type of miscommunication can range from a communication informing
him about something he should know, requesting him to take the children somewhere,
do something for one of them, make a phone call, pay a bill, bring something
home from a store, consolidate a family plan, be at a certain place at a certain
time, or attend to virtually anything. Sometimes it is the
husband who complains about his wife's failure to discharge her
responsibilities, and expresses his disappointment that she ignores him no
matter how many times he reminds her. At other times it's the wife who
complains about her husband's failure to discharge his responsibilities. Conveniently, neither of them "hears" what their
spouse tells them. In a cartoon by Reynolds, a wife gives the following orders to her
husband: "Go to the store; lay down the mulch; wash and wax the car; get the kids at school; rent some
videos; and finish the rest of the dishes." But he hears only the words
in caps: "GO to the store; LAY DOWN the mulch; wash AND wax the car; GET the kids at school; rent SOME
videos; and finish the REST of the dishes." II. 3. Illustrating When "C" is Not The
Same as "B" Due to Misinterpreting or Mind-Reading The difference between "misinterpreting" and "mind reading": In "misinterpreting" a person says
something and the other person puts his own meaning into the statement
because he assumes that he knows what his partner "really meant." In "mind reading," a person does
not say anything, but the mind reader reacts to his partner based on
his assumption that he knows what she is going to say before she says
it. In both misinterpreting and mind-reading, the "listener"
usually reacts angrily because he mistakenly reads a criticism or attack in
the other person's intent when, in fact, a criticism or attack may have
been the farthest thing from the other person's mind. Case History Three: Lisa, 41,
an articulate assistant manager at a bank, complained to me that her husband
Fred, 49, an actuary with a responsible position at a large insurance company,
didn't share the events of the day or his thoughts and
feelings with her. She would have liked him to discuss his day, ask her about
her day, give his opinion on people that they both knew, or on matters that
they both experienced. Fred was a highly educated man, but rather quiet,
and not as articulate or assertive as his wife. When asked about Lisa's complaint,
Fred replied that whenever he disagreed with her, "she took it as an attack
and it was no pleasure talking to her since sooner or later I am going to disagree
and then be confronted with her defensiveness." For some reason, Lisa, generally a friendly person, could not handle disagreement
with her husband without seeing it as a threat. It became clear that Lisa was
misinterpreting her husband, i.e., reading into his words something he did not
have in his mind, in this case, an attack. What she "heard" was not
what he actually said—or intended. In exploring the matter, it emerged that Fred rarely complimented or praised
his wife for her professional—or even domestic—accomplishments,
and she had a mild but chronic feeling that he did not appreciate her or respect
her opinion. Since Fred was a lot less articulate than Lisa, and talking was
not his "thing," his rare positive comments to her were not made with
much enthusiasm, and were generally lost in the shuffle of other things about
which they may have been conversing at the time. Lisa thirsted for regular conversations
and discussions with Fred with full expression of his thoughts and feelings,
but rarely got them. On those few occasions, when he did comment, if he differed
from her, she felt even more isolated than usual and took it as an attack, or
at least that he was distancing himself from her. This reaction discouraged
him from engaging in conversation. I explained to Lisa that she and Fred were in a vicious cycle. Lisa soon realized
her contribution to this cycle and that in order to break the cycle, she would
have to give up her defensive posture when her husband disagreed with her. I
encouraged her to compliment Fred when he expressed his true opinions on a subject,
to thank him for his forthrightness, and to express her appreciation for his
honest involvement in the discussion. She was to let him know that she enjoyed
talking to him and hearing his ideas and opinions even when he did not agree
with her. She took my suggestion. Her new approach made him less afraid of her
sensitivity, and defensiveness. Although Fred was still
apprehensive, he found that Lisa's greater acceptance of his disagreements gradually
altered his apprehensive attitude towards her. Accordingly, he began to "open
up" to his wife; this resulted in a noticeably increased level of communication
in their lives. I also encouraged Fred to show more appreciation and give more praise to Lisa.
This helped build a safety cushion between them. Lisa, gradually became less
sensitive to Fred's disagreements, and did not jump to negative conclusions
about them. The resulting changes altered the nature of their interactions and
Lisa and Fred were both gratified by their increased interactions. Case History Four: In another
case of misinterpretation, a 57 year old wife, Nannette, complained that her
husband, Victor, 62, was fearful of her criticism even after 31 years of marriage
and three grown children, two of whom were married. She lamented that it was
virtually impossible for her to remind Victor to do anything without provoking
a fight. For example, if she told him "don't forget to lock the door"
he would take it as an accusation that he never locked the door. In this case
too, Victor was reading an accusation into Nannette's kindly reminder. His "C"
was a misinterpretation of the innocent "B" that she stated. Unfortunately, with many couples, there is good reason
for the "remindee" to be upset. Usually there is a long history of
forgetfulness on the "remindee's" part, and the reminders do
come with an annoyed voice. In these situations, the sensitized "remindee"
sees all reminders as a criticism. Case History Five: Sometimes,
misinterpretation takes place over a single major decision and the consequences
last for years. In one couple that I saw, both members had had a successful
career when they first met and married. Bob, 43, was a computer engineer
and very knowledgeable about setting up networks for large corporations. His
wife, Frances, now 43, had been an account executive in an advertising agency
until she gave birth to her first child at which time she gave up her career
to build a family. In later years, every time Frances referred to having given
up her career to raise the children, her husband felt uncomfortable and annoyed
because he would "hear" her say "you forced me to give up my
career." Frances denied having the accusation in mind. Misinterpretations are quite common between spouses who have a history of being
at odds with each other. Over the months and years, they have both suffered
a lot because of the numerous attacks and counterattacks that they have experienced
with each other. Sadly, an air of hostility and distrust
of their partner's intentions now pervades their relationship. Under these circumstances,
both are quick to see an attack in just about anything their spouse says.
The fact that many of these defensive individuals are also poor listeners makes
the situation worse because they don't give their partner a chance to complete
what he is saying. This makes it easy for each person to jump to a hasty conclusion,
and to attribute negative attitudes to their partner even when none exist. III.
People Miscommunicate Under The Influence of Anger;
Their "B" is Not The Same as Their True "A" "One Word Can Start a War." Author Unknown 1. Using the "never" word: Sometimes, under
the influence of an intense emotion, e.g, anger, hurt, disappointment, a person
will blurt out an exaggerated description of the problem e.g., "We never
go out," when in fact, in a calm moment, the person will admit that they
do go out, but not often enough. Or the person might say, "you never
kiss me when I come home," "we never have sex," "you never
pick up after yourself," "you're never around when I need you,"
"you never let me finish what I am saying," "you never talk to
me," "you never say you love me," "you're never satisfied,
no matter what I do," "you're never happy," or a myriad of other
"nevers." When using "never" the speaker does not deliberately say something dishonest, but because of his
anger, hurt, disappointment or other painful emotion, he exaggerates his
thoughts. Whatever the reason, the listener finds the accusation offensive; this
leads him to focus on and dispute the "never" component of the statement
because he feels righteously indignant at the unfair accusation. When a person
says "never," the listener is apt to ignore any elements of truth in the original statement, and what could have been the
beginning of constructive discussion about a problem turns into a heated
argument and often turns into a fight. 2. Using the "always" word. Other complaints
which use the "always" word are of the same genre. For example: "you
always criticize me," "you always nag," "you always shout
at the kids," "you're always late," "you're always complaining,"
"you always think of yourself first," "you always get angry,"
"you're always on the phone with your mother...your friends...somebody,"
"you always get emotional," "you're always screaming." The
person really believes "often" but says "always."
His "B" is not equal to his "A" and this sloppiness of language
can easily become a springboard for an unnecessary heated argument or fight. 3. Making a blanket statement. Blanket statements, often
made in anger or hurt, are generally untrue and constitute another form of exaggeration,
and therefore a miscommunication. For example, even when "always"
or "never" is not used, if a wife makes a categorical statement such
as "you don't respect my opinion," it is generally an error in communication.
In fact, it may be that her husband does respect her opinion in numerous
areas of their life. Furthermore, she may be making many decisions without even
consulting him, and maybe even more unilateral decisions than he makes. What
she really believes is that "in certain situations you don't respect my
opinion." Another wife might say, "you don't take my feelings into
consideration" when in fact, her husband sometimes does, but sometimes
doesn't. If a wife says "I can't depend on you,"
when, in fact, she knows that she can depend on him in some ways, e.g.,
supporting the family financially, but not in other areas, e.g., getting the
children to bed on time, she is not factually correct. If she doesn't
qualify her words, she is not saying what she knows to be true. In all of these
cases, the person is making a blanket statement which is exaggerated and, therefore,
miscommunicating. A husband would be incorrect, and miscommunicating, if
he says to his wife "you are irresponsible with money," when, deep
in his heart, he knows that she is an excellent shopper for the household but
has a problem when buying clothing or jewelry for herself. He is similarly
off track if he says, "you don't appreciate me," when, in fact he
might have believed and correctly stated to her "I know that deep down
you appreciate me, but I would like you to express it more often." Or he
might believe and correctly say: "Sometimes I question whether you
really appreciate everything I do for you and the kids." When a person
makes a blanket statement, he is guilty of miscommunicating because he does
not say what he actually believes and unfortunately makes things worse by exaggerating. The Goal is to Say What You Mean, But Say it Diplomatically 4. Name calling. This behavior takes place when
a person is angry. Name calling, or putting down is one
of the more hurtful and offensive infractions of the "Nineteen Rules."
A man may scream an epithet at his partner; but if asked to reflect on what
he said, he will often deny that he believes what he called her. In such a case
he is uttering an untruth, and is miscommunicating because
he does not truly believe what he said. But even if he had a legitimate
complaint, it would be destructive for him to lodge it in an offensive manner,
and/or turn it into a personal attack. Unfortunately, once the words are out
of his mouth, the damage has been done, and if his partner takes the epithet
to heart, and counterattacks with her own choice words, they are deep into a
fight, and at this point, they are both wrong since they are both adding fuel
to the flame. IV.
Some Communicators Knowingly Distort What
They Truly Believe or Feel in Their Heart. Their "B" is Not The Same
as Their "A." 1. People Lie to Protect Partner's Feelings or Not
Ruffle Feathers Sadly, Harvey was using the communication process for
defensive purposes rather than to convey truth and bring about a better understanding
between himself and his wife. Harvey knew, and eventually Susan began
to realize, that Harvey's "B" was not always consistent with the "A"
that he thought. To her great disappointment and utter frustration, his habit
grew to a point where she never knew when to believe him. In working with this couple, it became clear that Harvey was so insecure in
his relationship with Susan that not only did he tell lies concerning inconsequential
matters to protect himself, but he was also handicapped in expressing his true
thoughts and feelings even on matters that concerned them both for fear that
her love of him might diminish. . There were even times when he told her inconsequential
lies to "protect himself." Through therapy Harvey learned that by
being Susan's "yes-man" he was not only not strengthening their
relationship, but in fact weakening it. By failing to express and stand
up for his honest opinions, he was losing the respect and interest of his wife.
His newly-learned awareness of the seriousness of this growing problem served
as a stimulus for him to change. Further, he began to realize that instead of
protecting his marriage to Susan, quite the contrary, his small lies were undermining
one of the fundamental bases of a relationship: trust. His embarrassment at appearing untrustworthy and immature, his fear that he
would lose the respect of his wife, and the possible threat to his marriage
motivated Harvey to work on his problems. However, changing the self perception
of low self-esteem that he had endured for many years and ridding himself of
his fairly well entrenched habit of "convenience lying" was not easy.
To help him achieve these goals, I met with Harvey for a number of individual
psychotherapy sessions. Harvey wisely threw himself into this therapeutic endeavor
and with encouragement from Susan progressed by small incremental steps. He
gradually put his relationship with Susan on a more mature footing. Case History Seven: Another example
of a breakdown of communication, due to the speaker's failure to say what she
thinks, a problem that I have seen time and time again, occurred with Marjorie,
29, who one evening wanted to go out for dinner with her live-in boy friend
Frank, 31. Partly because of her insecurity with Frank arising from his ambivalence
about a commitment to marriage (after four years of living together), Marjorie
was afraid to tell Frank her wish to go out for dinner (her "A").
When he walked in that evening, she should have said,
"Honey, I feel like eating out, how about us going out tonight?" Instead,
she went about it in a roundabout way by asking him "Honey, would you like
to go out for dinner tonight?" Her "B" was not equal to
her "A" since it gave no indication of her own wishes on the matter. When Frank gave her an honest "no," Marjorie felt rejected, hurt,
angry, and sulked for the rest of the evening. She brought up this incident
during counseling as an example of Frank's insensitivity to her feelings. Frank
remembered the incident, but had a different slant on the matter. As he reported
it, he had come home in a great mood from his construction job, but said "no"
in reply to her question because he was tired and wanted to spend a quiet evening
at home. We reviewed the events of the evening and I helped him explore the
progression of his thoughts and feelings for the next few hours. It emerged
that he was baffled by Marjorie's increasing distance and moodiness, and in
turn, found himself distancing himself from her as the evening progressed and
his own mood worsened. Marjorie's failure to communicate her wishes in this situation was part of a pattern wherein she
would barely hint at her wishes. In another
situation, while watching TV with Frank, she asked "Isn't it cold in
here?" when she really meant, "Why don't you come over here on the couch
and cuddle with me a bit?" Marjorie's round-about approach constituted a
breakdown in communication and the relationship suffered accordingly. In my dual role as marriage counselor/psychologist, I spent individual time
working with each member of this couple. I helped Marjorie understand why she
was afraid to express her wishes directly and I encouraged her to speak up for
what she wanted as the situation required. I explained that, whereas, in some
cases a wife might be intimidated by a demanding or dictatorial spouse, and
fears to express her wishes directly, this was not the case here. Frank was
not intimidating in any way, if fact, he loved her, respected her and was open
to her input. The origin of Marjorie's problem with Frank
began long before Frank came on the scene. Marjorie had been brought up by a
close-minded, angry, alcoholic father whom she feared. I explained that it was
natural, but unfortunate that she would bring this learned fear into her adult
relationship with Frank. It was part of her hidden agenda. (For further explanation,
please see my article titled, "The
Hidden Agenda in Relationships.") After exploring
Marjorie's childhood, I explained to her that it had been a wise and adaptive
(appropriate) behavior on her part to "walk around on eggshells" in a previous setting (her childhood home) when her father came home drunk because it
served the valuable purpose of sparing her from abuse. However, her timid
behavior was not adaptive in her present situation with Frank since it was not only not necessary, but worse, it
restricted her freedom to express herself normally and interact healthfully with
her boyfriend. Accordingly, her miscommunications interrupted the healthy flow
of their relationship. I then trained both of them in the A-B-C's of good communication. My focus
with Marjorie was to be open in revealing her wishes and to be more self assertive
in asking that they be fulfilled. My focus with Frank was to be more sensitive
to Marjorie's early experiences as a child and her consequent "beating
around the bush" type of communication. To help her compensate for her
fear of self assertion, he was asked to encourage her to express her wishes
directly, and say her true thoughts in any given situation. I helped them understand
how a breakdown in communication, such as the one that
occurred with the hoped-for dinner date and the desire for cuddling—neither
of which (unexpressed) wishes was fulfilled—can initiate unintended and
totally unnecessary feelings of rejection, hurt, confusion, and an unnecessary
distance between them. In this example with Marjorie, as in the case cited above with Harvey who was
also afraid to tell the truth, both of these individuals
were aware that they were not saying what they meant. In my work with
more than a thousand couples over the past 35 years, I have found that a failure
to express one's feelings can happen to either gender, due to a fear
of loss of love, fear of starting a fight, or for other reasons. This crippling
reticence can go on for years. Not saying what you really mean in any situation
that involves your partner is a psychological problem for the "quiet"
party, shortchanges the partner, and creates an interpersonal problem for the
couple. Keeping silent when something should be said hurts both persons and
diminishes the relationship. For a more elaborate discussion on people's failures to say what is on their
mind, click here for my article "Thirteen Reasons Why Spouses Fail to Communicate." 2. People Lie or Withhold Information to Paint Themselves in a Better Light or Defend Themselves Against Blame or Attack. Lying or Withholding Information as a Form
of Miscommunication The most serious form of lie involves contact or liaison
with a third party. This may include an internet-initiated relationship
that begins with "innocent" chat room interchanges, moves into instant
messaging and "graduates" to personal emails. Eventually the "sound
barrier" is broken and the couple start talking to each other, usually
on a cell phone, and sometimes on a newly purchased secret cell phone. In many
of these extra-marital relationships, the individuals never meet, but might
talk to each other at great length, sometimes quite explicitly about their fantasies,
and might call or text message each other numerous times a day. They might exchange
pictures, sometimes very personal ones. These liaisons have been variously called
"friendships," "harmless flirtations," and "blatant
acts of infidelity," depending on who does the calling. However, no
matter what the clandestine relationship is called, and no matter what the couple
does or doesn't do (something the hurt spouse will often wonder whether he/she
will ever really know), the mere fact that a secret relationship exists would
evoke many very painful emotions in the hurt party. At
times the hidden relationship involves face-to-face involvement with clandestine
meetings taking place when the offending spouse is supposed to be working late,
out with some friends, or out of town on a business conference. Very often these extra-marital relationships occur with a
coworker, an "ex" who has reappeared on the scene, or with the spouse's
best "friend." Too
many sad examples come to mind. The discovery of the secret relationship by the offended spouse generally evokes
a very strong reaction and many painful and sometimes overwhelming emotions.
These emotions cover a wide range and may differ in intensity from person to
person. One of the most common reactions is a feeling of betrayal. Other emotions
include anger, disillusionment, great pain, anguish, depression, feelings of
self-doubt, a feeling of great loss and devastation. Often there are feelings
of disgust and alienation. Constant preoccupation with the affair, sleeplessness,
loss of appetite inability to concentrate or function effectively on the job
and in other situations usually follow the discovery. Present in every
situation is a feeling of distrust. Clearly, an act of infidelity can
do incalculable damage to the marriage. Obviously, the "B" of the liar is intentionally not equal to his
"A." Once trust is broken, it is impossible
to ever go back to the original feeling. Activities of the nature described
here can be compared to a house (the marriage) going through an earthquake.
Clearly, this is very bad news. The good news, however, is that third party liaisons
do not automatically destroy a marriage. The
damage may range from minor damage to the structure, to devastation and reduction
to a pile of rubble. Each couple assesses for themselves how much damage was
done, can we repair the old structure, can we clear up the rubble and build
an even more beautiful structure? The answer to the question "What happens
now?" depends on a variety of factors. Another piece of good news is that every cloud
has a silver lining. In your despair, you may not see it now,
but it is there. Not only is there hope, but in many cases, the couple emerges
from counseling with a much better marriage than they had had in years, and
sometimes better than they ever had from the very beginning. I have seen many "offenders" (technical term for the unfaithful
partner) not only guilty and shaken by the enormity of the hurt and pain they
inflicted on their spouse, but also frightened by the damage done, and by the
prospect of losing the love of their partner and the possible death of their
marriage. In such situations they take serious stock of the situation and come
face to face with the vital importance of the marriage to them and their underlying
love for their spouse. They then throw themselves into the hard work that is
required for the healing process. In many cases the marriage counseling process opens their
eyes to the possibility of a good marriage. Sadness and regret over the numerous
lost opportunities for growth and love over the preceding years mobilizes the
couple to grow their relationship from routine and humdrum to dynamic and fulfilling.
The sensitive interaction required by both spouses for the promotion of healing
and reconciliation often brings about a closer, more caring and intimate relationship
than the couple ever thought possible. Unfortunately, it often takes a crisis
for the marriage to get the attention it should have gotten all along. Is Lying the Same as Poor Communication? V. It
is Poor Communication When "B" is Not The Same as "A" Even
if it is an Honest Mistake. At times, the speaker
does his best to honestly say what is on his mind, i.e., convey an accurate
"A." However, the words that come out of his mouth, "B," is not what he
has on his mind. In the following examples the person wants to say what is on his mind but unintentionally says something else: 1. Poor Concentration: A man is driving
a car and his partner says, "we have to make a left turn here." It
soon emerges that she knew it was a right turn and wanted to say "right
turn." Even though her instruction to go left was a slip of the tongue,
an honest mistake, it was a miscommunication nevertheless. In another case,
the husband might tell his wife "I'll be home at 8 p.m." when he means
9 p.m. 2. Sloppy Thinking or Sloppy Articulation:
In another situation, a person might tell his partner to meet him/her at a certain
place or time, but inadvertently gives inaccurate information, or gives misleading
directions to get somewhere. Sometimes a person knows the location of something
in the house but mistakenly gives ambiguous or incorrect information thus causing
frustration for the partner. There was never an intent to deceive in any of
the examples cited here; however, none of these individuals said what
they really knew and truly wanted to say. Even though their words were innocent
slips of the tongue, this type of miscommunication can start a battle with couples
who are on edge with each other and virtually looking for something to fight
about. VI.
Whose Fault is it When Misinterpreting Takes Place? 1) The Role of the Listener,
2) The Role of the Speaker 1. If the listener misinterpreted
what was said, the breakdown is the
listener's fault. 2. If the speaker did
not say what he really thought either intentionally, or by accident, the breakdown is the
speaker's fault. But what if "B" is ambiguous or vague and his words can truly be
interpreted in more than one way? In such a case, who is to blame for the breakdown
of communication? Is it solely the speaker's fault because he was ambiguous?
Or is the listener partly to blame for not sensing that the statement could
be interpreted in more than one way and failing to ask for clarification? Let's
explore both possibilities. VI. 1. The Listener's
Role in Avoiding Misinterpretation The listener should always be sensitive to the possibility that he is misinterpreting
his partner. For example, when Roger thinks he hears "fighting words"
from his wife, Sandra, rather than jumping down her throat with "righteous
indignation" and counter accusations, ideally he
would clarify what he thinks he heard by asking her "How did you mean that?"
If Roger calmly alerts Sandra to the fact that her words were ambiguous, she
now has an opportunity to clarify that she meant no ill will, and express regret
that she was ambiguous and nearly started a fight. Roger's self control in not
jumping to attack can thereby avoid an unnecessary fight with his spouse. Of course, if Sandra
shouts back "What do you think
I meant, you idiot!" then Roger
knows exactly how she meant her original statement. By shouting "idiot" at Roger, Sandra has clearly violated two of
the "Nineteen Rules of Communication" (raising voice in anger, name
calling), and has set the stage for a shouting match. But even if she violates
these or any other of the "Nineteen Rules" Roger doesn't have to
follow suit by meeting her insult with one of his own. Such behavior on his
part would only add fuel to the flame and make a bad situation worse. Although
Sandra has already begun a fight with her name-calling, it is not too late for
Roger to stop the fight in its tracks. What happens after Sandra's insulting
name-calling depends on how Roger handles her insult. Many years ago, King Solomon
of ancient Israel, wisely noted: "A soft answer turneth away wrath." A Soft Answer Turneth Away Wrath I frequently tell the couples with whom I work that they should be honestly
appreciative when their partner politely points out to them that they are violating
one of the rules of friendly, constructive communication. I note that if their
computer or golf instructor or their personal trainer at the gym corrected their
stroke or their move, they would respond with a gracious "Thanks for saying
that, it works better this way." They would never think of responding with
an angry "Stop telling me what to do!" So why not treat your partner
with the same courtesy when he/she blows the whistle on you and gets you back
on track in your argument when you interrupt, raise your voice, or insult your
partner in the middle of an argument. Your partner's corrective remarks are
truly helpful to you in that situation and will stand you well in the future.
"Blowing the whistle" on your partner when he/she breaks one of the
"Nineteen Rules," and your partner's gracious acceptance of this correction
will not only benefit both of you in the ongoing situation, but will also serve
as a confirmation that both of you are committed to follow the rules in the
future. Now, going back to Sandra's original ambiguous statement to Roger, let's
elaborate the two possibilities noted above: a) She sounded angry but was not
angry, or (b) She both sounded and was truly angry when she uttered her
words. (a) If she was not angry, we noted above that Roger's self control and his
request for clarification when he "heard" fighting words would avoid a fight
with his spouse since she would clarify that she had no ill will towards him and
had no intent to express anger. (b) The second possibility is that in fact, Sandra was angry when she originally spoke, and did mean to attack him. In this case, Roger's gentle question for clarification
"How did you mean that?" would afford her a moment to pause and reconsider
her attack. She would now have two choices. (1) She could continue her attack and call him "idiot," or: (2) She could let her better judgment take over and permit his gentle question
to stop her tirade. Roger's failure to attack affords Sandra a wonderful opportunity
to admit that she did mean to be provocative with her ambiguous statement
and that Roger was correct when he suspected hostile intent. Thus, Roger's
refusal to respond in kind even when he correctly heard her fighting
words, opens the door for Sandra to pull back, apologize and start over again
in a constructive vein. VI. 2.
The Speaker's Role in Avoiding Misinterpretation Although, both speaker and listener are responsible for communication,
I believe that miscommunication due to ambiguity or vagueness is primarily the
fault of the speaker. Talking is not enough. In the final
analysis, it is the speaker's responsibility to communicate. Whoever
wishes to convey a message, is required to (a) make sure that the other person
is listening, and (b) choose his words carefully, so that the thoughts are presented
clearly and unambiguously, and (c) speak in a friendly tone of voice and display
a friendly manner, thereby assuring that the message he wishes to convey will
be transmitted without the interfering "noise" of anger and hostile
intent. After talking, the
speaker should not assume that her message was transmitted, and that she was
understood, unless she gets some sort of confirmation.
She should wait for an appropriate facial expression, a nod of the head, or
better still, a verbal response from the listener that is pertinent to what was
just said. If the speaker intended no anger or accusation
and the "confirmation" comes back as an attack, the speaker should
realize that there might have been a miscommunication; she should search her
words. Was she ambiguous or unclear, or did she actually say something she
had no intention of saying? There are three possibilities
here: The Role of Anger in Relationships "It is a Person's Choice to be Slow to Anger; Overview of the A-B-C's of Good Communication "A" represents the
exact thoughts or emotions of the speaker. "B" represents the
actual words that come out of the speaker's mouth. "C" represents what the listener
"hears" i.e. his understanding or interpretation
of what was said. In a Healthy Relationship, Communication Flows in Both Directions If both partners understand the crucial necessity of—and
actively promote—that "A," "B," and "C" should
match perfectly when they talk to each other, they have achieved the first step
in establishing a framework for good communication. If each partner expresses
him/herself and encourages the other to express him/herself freely, and if they
each listen attentively to what the other says, they have successfully created
a loop which forms a healthy pathway for reciprocal understanding. As noted at the beginning of this article, neither
gender wins an Emmy for communication. In all of the communication errors cited
here all of my points are relevant to both genders. For a discussion on the benefits a couple reaps when they communicate effectively,
please see below for my article on "A Glimpse
Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program." For instructions on how to print this article please go to the top of this page. (TOP) A
Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program by Reuben E. Gross,
PhD, ABPP, LMFT Good
communication will help you Enhance Positive and To
go directly to any of the benefits listed above, click on it. 1.
Good Communicators Avoid Misunderstandings, Unacceptable Behaviors, Fights and
Separation Effective
Communicators Avoid Problems With Their Mates Poor Communicators
Create Problems With Their Mates Poor Communicators
Let Problems Grow The vicious cycle is maintained
because such couples have little hope and even less motivation to seek a solution
to their problems to the satisfaction of both; so they don't even try.
I have met many couples who have not only given up fighting but who have also
given up talking about anything important for years before coming for therapy.
Clearly, couples are not going to solve their problems by adopting a policy
of not talking about them. This approach amounts to throwing out the baby with
the bathwater. I have also
seen many of the aforementioned couples make dramatic changes in their relationship
during the course of marriage counseling. Understandably, these changes do not
come about by an easy wave of the counselor's magic wand. It takes hard
work, focus, conscientious efforts and good will on the part of both parties
to bring about substantial change in a relationship. But it can be done! 2.
Good Communicators Can Disagree, Yet Argue Respectfully And Constructively Since each person is a unique individual,
no two people are going to agree on everything. When disagreements arise, it
is common for each person to be convinced of the merit of his position and to
try to convince his partner that his/her version of the truth, or solution to
the problem, is the appropriate one to follow. And so, an argument ensues; but
is an argument necessarily bad? I don't think so. Arguments
are good as long as both parties argue respectfully and in good faith.
Such an argument does not degrade to a power struggle or fight. In a respectful argument, the couple
gains much from the exchange of ideas because each partner is open to learning
from the other, wants to work as a team member, and considers solving the problem
the primary goal. In a healthy relationship, the individuals are motivated towards
the goal of solving the problem because each person is sensitive to the other's
needs, wants to please his partner as well as him/herself and understands the
importance of resolving the problem and the danger of letting it fester. Further,
such a couple also understands that if the suggested solution is the result
of a joint effort, it is more likely that both parties will do their best to
cooperate in bringing about the agreed upon solution. Training
a Couple to Argue Respectfully You will also be taught to avoid
the (opposite) nineteen negative communication behaviors. The negative behaviors
on this list are virtually guaranteed to antagonize your partner, place a barrier
between the two of you, degrade what could be a constructive argument into a
fight, and push the solution and satisfaction that you both seek farther away.
Most of these negative behaviors are employed regularly by distressed couples,
and may be familiar to you and your spouse. As I review each item on this list
with couples in therapy with me, there is universal agreement that each of these
negative behaviors is a barrier to good communication, problem- resolution and
relationship-building. Examples of negative behaviors during an argument include:
not listening, raising one's voice angrily, interrupting, putting the
other person down, not admitting the truth, and avoiding one's partner. When training you
and your spouse to argue respectfully I will have the following three goals
in mind: 1. Teach you the nineteen positive
behaviors that will keep an argument on track, and elaborate the nineteen negative
behaviors that are destructive to successful arguing. 2. Get both of you to formally
commit to strive for a standard of zero tolerance for the nineteen negative
behaviors when arguing with each other. Understandably, nobody is perfect and
we all slip from time to time. Nevertheless, to the extent that you will adhere
to this disciplined approach, you will greatly enhance your efforts to argue
in a friendly fashion and change the emotional climate of your home. 3. Encourage both of you to accept
the role of "referee", "coach" or "instructor" so that each of you will monitor
yourself as well as your partner for breaches of the accepted "rules of engagement"
that you both agree to follow. Instructions to
referee: If the referee catches
himself raising his voice or violating any other rule during the course of an
argument, he is required to "blow the whistle" on himself, acknowledge his error
and apologize for what he did wrong. Only then may he continue to elaborate
the points he wishes to make. If the referee catches his partner violating one
of the rules, he is to tactfully tell his partner that he is "blowing the whistle"
on her or that she "just broke one of the rules." The etiquette then requires
the violator to graciously accept the referee's corrections, apologize for her
antagonistic behavior and thank her referee for his help in getting the discussion/argument
back on track. Both partners are asked to play the role
of referee
every time the couple gets into an argument. Since spouses do not take easily
to criticism from their partners, especially when in the midst of an argument,
I try to make the coach's correction of his partner's violation
palatable. I do this by suggesting to my clients that they place their spouse's
corrective comments in the same category as getting feedback from their hypothetical
tennis or golf instructor; or from their hypothetical personal trainer while
they are exercising under his supervision at their favorite gym. If their instructor
or trainer corrects them, would they get angry? Or would they say "Thank
you. It works better this way." Accordingly, they should understand that
in the present situation, their spouse's corrective coaching helps them
become a more friendly arguer and therefore a more effective communicator. The
"coach" is doing his partner a favor and deserves to be thanked
for his service! 3.
Good Communicators Know When and How to Talk, and When and How to Listen The Talk/Listen
Technique It
Takes Both Parties to Solve an Interpersonal Problem To reinforce what you and your spouse
will have just learned, I may lend you a tape of a professionally prepared script
of two actors playing the roles of husband and wife arguing respectfully with
each other about a certain problem using the "Talk/Listen Technique."
The tape can be played in the car on your way home following your counseling
session. Or, you can listen to it at another time when both of you are relaxed
and have time to analyze and discuss the taped "argument." The
"Talk/Listen Technique" is Especially Valuable For Argumentative
Couples As
Long as The Discussants Deal With Each Other Respectfully, Arguing is a Good
Thing. Something similar takes place in
a couple relationship when both partners are effective communicators. The argument
ends in a friendly manner, and often each person respects the other more than
they did at the beginning of their argument. This is so because when a couple
argues reasonably and constructively, each person will admire how his partner
handled himself "under fire," and more importantly, each person will have learned
something, for example, the strengths of his partner's point of view and the
weaknesses of his own. In a friendly argument, there might come a time when
one person is willing to relinquish his original position because he is convinced
that his partner's assessment of the situation is more accurate or that his
partner's solution is really better. At other times, both partners
might relinquish their original position because of what they learned during
the argument. At this point they will join hands in forming a third assessment
or solution which incorporates the best of both partner's original positions. With Poor
Communicators Arguments Become Fights And Problems Are Not Solved 5.
Good Communicators Engage in Frank Discussions That Reveal Each Person's
Needs/Desires/Agenda and Develop a Clear Understanding of How to Fulfill Each
Other's Expectations One part of my counseling program
with couples involves setting a goal for both spouses
to revive their love relationship. I do this, in part, by encouraging
both parties to increase the alone-time that they spend with each other. More
time together affords the couple a framework within which they can talk to each
other in a relaxed setting on a regular basis so as to express their needs to
each other, work on outstanding problems, head off future problems, express
their feelings on a variety of subjects, and fine-tune the relationship. Further,
more time together affords the couple an opportunity to plan and engage in mutually
enjoyable activities. Couples
Are Introduced to Techniques Which Promote Self Knowledge and Reciprocal Understanding
of Each Other's Needs, Desires, and Agenda Exploration
is Followed by Self Revelation Although both spouses
may overlap greatly in their needs,
e.g., to talk to each other and share their experiences and feelings, to have
fun together, to get affection and sex, or to be told that they are loved or
appreciated, they may have different priorities for these
expectations and differing need-fulfillment frequencies or intensities.
Further, since many of these expectations are taken for granted, they are rarely
spelled out in advance by engaged couples; this is part of the hidden agenda.
The hidden agenda in a relationship consists of expectations that have not been
specified, discussed or spelled out in advance to the other party. The hidden
agenda merits an elaborate explanation and will be discussed later in this article. As noted in Benefit
3. above, good communicators know how to play two roles: when
to talk and when to listen. Good "talkers" express their needs,
and how they would like to have them fulfilled. Good "listeners"
pay careful attention when their partners talk and do their best to remember
what is said to them. The next step, of course, is for
both spouses to take appropriate steps to satisfy their partner's appropriate
needs and expectations. Spouses
Need to Know How to Fulfill Their Partner's Needs One husband may ask for words of
appreciation from his wife on a regular basis and may even make a list of his
accomplishments or contributions for which he would like recognition and appreciation.
Another husband might say he knows that he is appreciated or admired and doesn't
have to hear it from his spouse. One husband may ask his wife to offer overt
words and deeds to demonstrate her affection on a regular basis while another
husband may not have that need at all. Among other
wishes, individuals frequently ask that their spouse make them their number
one priority, make time for more conversation, have more fun together,
have more closeness and affection, have more space, give more support
and reassurance, respect each other's feelings and opinions, engage
in more frequent sex, and show more appreciation and admiration. Sometimes
a spouse will ask for more freedom to engage in outside activities without
their partner; and, especially in two career households, wives may ask
for more participation by their husband in running the house and caring
for the children. After this exchange of information
about the wishes and needs of each partner, I then encourage
a commitment from each person to fulfill their spouse's reasonable and
appropriate emotional and physical needs as a top priority in the relationship.
Understandably, fulfillment of some needs requires sensitive negotiations between
spouses. This is because of differing need levels of each partner, different
skill levels, different timetables of the partners as well as the necessity
to consider family schedules and other events. Promoting
Recognition and Appreciation Unexpressed
Needs: The Hidden Agenda At other times, the husband or
bride-to-be may be very well aware of what he/she is looking for in a loving
relationship but takes it for granted that his/her future spouse will fulfill
those expectations without special mention or urging. For
example, people generally assume that their future partner will always behave
towards them with kindness and consideration. Clearly, these two highly
desirable behaviors from one's spouse are an integral part of the normal
healthy expectations that people take for granted when they marry. Accordingly,
these expectations are not mentioned in advance and would constitute part of
the unspoken marriage contract i.e., the hidden agenda. And yet, there are many
marriages where kindness and consideration are sorely lacking. When such an
unfortunate situation arises, it becomes incumbent upon each person to spell
out exactly what he had in mind when he married, and help "shape"
their partner thus bringing out the best behavior in him/her as per the unspoken
marriage contract. Since it is virtually impossible
to spell out all of one's expectations in advance, everybody comes into
a relationship with a hidden agenda. Not only are many of these expectations
not mentioned to their partner in advance, but as noted above, a good part of
these expectations might even be hidden from the person himself. Hence, the
great need for each person to explore him/herself so that he may uncover his/her
desires, hopes, and expectations from the marriage. Sometimes, it takes
years before a person clarifies for himself exactly what he wants in the marriage.
Following this exercise in self
exploration, there is a need for self-revelation so that
each individual may reveal that specific agenda to their spouse. One
aspect of my communication training program involves written assignments that
helps each person accomplish both of these goals: uncover as much as possible
of his hidden agenda, and convert it to an open agenda so that his spouse will
be in a position to help him find fulfillment. "The Hidden Agenda in Relationships"
is the title of a separate article on this website; if you wish to access this
article, please
click here. 6.
Good Communication Promotes Sharing, Companionship, and Bonding Sharing
and Companionship Nonetheless, many husbands and wives
complain that they feel lonely in the relationship. Clearly, people do not marry
with the goal of feeling alone; they have already experienced this before marriage.
Nor do they marry merely to get a roommate or coexist with somebody. Although
the problem exists with both sexes, it is more likely that a wife will complain
that her husband does not "open up," i.e., does not regularly share his daily
experiences or inner life with her. On rare occasions this occurs because of
anger or a deliberate desire to be distant. Sometimes, the tendency not to share
experiences or feelings takes place because the husbands are modeling behavior
that they saw at home. But with many men, the failure to share, engage in long
conversations with their spouse, and the reluctance or discomfort when asked
to offer detailed expression of feelings may be due to traits inherent in the
male personality. Is
Marriage For Better or For Worse? Personal
Growth, Closeness, And Fulfillment As both of you improve in your capacity
to share your life with each other, the distance that now exists between you
and your spouse will be bridged. Eventually, both of you will recapture at a
mature level the closeness and bonding that you felt during the heady days at
the beginning of your relationship and which you were confident would continue
for the rest of your life. In the following
paragraph, as in all previous paragraphs "he" and "she"
are interchangeable. If, in spite of a person's
disillusionment, frustrations, and the pain that he has suffered in his marriage,
if that person is still willing to invest time, effort and himself to meet the
challenge of getting into marriage counseling and meeting his problems head-on,
it may very well be because that individual believes with me that for all of
its faults, The marital framework
is still the best structure known to mankind within which people can grow in
their ability to give and receive love, and develop selflessness, empathy and
compassion for others. Moreover, within this framework, men and women can both
achieve an abundance of satisfaction, support, and personal fulfillment, as
well as children, if they so desire—all of which adds meaning to their
lives, and ultimately deep happiness. For instructions on how to print this article please go to the top of this page. (TOP) Summary: Getting your message across to another
person is the essence of communication. In a couple relationship, each person
must play two roles: he must be eager to express himself honestly, and he must
be warmly receptive to the communications of his partner. Dr. Gross presents
thirteen potential communication problems which he elaborates with examples
drawn from his practice in marriage and couple counseling. "All the world
is on the tip of the tongue" Talmud, Brachot Poor Communication is a Leading Factor in Relationship
Disharmony Communication Problems Affect Us All For instructions on how to print this article please go to the top of this page. (TOP) Thirteen
Reasons Why Spouses Fail to Communicate One Partner (or both): 1.
One of the Partners Doesn't Have a Personal Need to: (a) Share Experiences
or Feelings, 1 (a) One of the Partners Doesn't Have a Personal
Need to Share Daily Experiences or Feelings 1 (b) Doesn't Have a Personal Need to Discuss
The Relationship Writing about their research on problem-solving among unhappily married couples,
Laura Sullivan, M.A. and Donald Baucom, Ph.D. state: "Several studies suggest
that females tend to engage in more relationship
processing than males do." (Journal of Marital and Family
Therapy (January 2005, Vol. 31, Number 1, p.31). Among other studies, they quote
R. Burnett whose research concluded that: "Women cared for monitoring and
evaluating intrinsic relationship events and experiences more than men did"
(Accounting for Relationships, 1987, p. 89). Paraphrasing Burnett, they continue:
"Men, in contrast, were less interested,
thoughtful, and communicative about relationships. They had
more difficulty explaining relationships, and they were less likely to enjoy
analyzing personal relationships than women were." In a similar vein, the
authors quote Acitelli who found that "wives
were more relationship aware," i.e. tended to talk more about their marital
relationships than their husbands did ("Gender Differences
in Relationship Awareness and Marital Satisfaction among Young Married Couples"
Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 18, 102-110). Although a number
of studies have shown that more women than men are interested in discussing
relationships, this tendency sometimes goes the other way. Discussing the Relationship is Necessary for
its Growth 1 (c) Doesn't Understand Importance of Verbally
Expressing to Partner Feelings of Love, Appreciation, or Praise Sometimes a husband fails to convey to his wife his positive feelings towards
her because he unconsciously thinks that she could/should be able to read his
mind. Although he might agree that it is important for her to know that she
is beautiful in his eyes and is special and important to him, he assumes that
it is her responsibility to know his feelings about her through mind reading
or osmosis. He is comfortable with this assumption because he relies on her
intuitive nature and her knowledge of his personal preferences, likes and dislikes,
in so many other areas. A husband's failure to communicate his love for his wife or his appreciation
of her could lead to his wife's insecurity in the relationship. Consequently,
she might hesitate to make her emotional needs known to him, much less ask him
again and again to fulfill them. If the wife doesn't get her
message across about her emotional needs, because
he doesn't get his message across that he truly cares, they
are both contributing to a vicious cycle and the relationship will suffer. Eventually
the woman will try to resign herself to a lackluster relationship. However,
if her frustrations mount, as the years go by she might become vulnerable to
temptations from admiring males whom she meets in her social circles or in the
course of her professional life. Case History Number One. Janet,
36, an attractive, outgoing self employed successful entrepreneur. She met a
lot of interesting people at work who were attracted to her because of her good
looks, engaging personality and her successful business accomplishments. Janet’s
husband, Alvin, 42, a software developer truly loved Janet but was not the romantic
type. Alvin rarely praised her appearance or looks, nor did he verbally express
his love and other feelings. As the years went by, she felt more and more unappreciated
and taken for granted. She began to contrast the lack of romance, admiration
and virtual emotional starvation she was getting at home with the frequent compliments
and flirtations she experienced at work. Eventually, her lingering and chronic
hunger for attention, appreciation and admiration led her to a mild involvement
with a longtime admiring third party. Luckily, she nipped the growing clandestine
relationship before it went too far and voluntarily revealed it and discussed
it with her husband. Alvin was shaken up by the news and agreed to go into marriage
counseling with Janet. Alvin had always thought that he was a good husband, and in many ways he was.
But he was unaware of the emotional role that his wife had expected him to fulfill.
Not having understood Janet's emotional needs, he had made no attempts to fulfill
them. During the course of our counseling sessions Alvin was truly surprised
to learn how his neglectful conduct had brought about a deterioration in his
marriage and how it had made Janet vulnerable to attention from another source.
He immediately began to do what he could to remedy the situation. Unfortunately,
it had taken a crisis for him to understand the serious nature and depth of
his marital problem. I frequently tell my clients that "every
cloud has a silver lining." Sometimes it takes a crisis for a couple to
give their marriage the attention it should have received all along. Although there had been much frustration and unhappiness on the part of Janet,
she was aware that her husband had not been deliberately depriving her of her
due and there had been no ill will on Alvin's part. The problem was that he
had been ignorant of Janet's needs, and consequently ignorant of his obligation
to fulfill them. However, once the matter was brought to his attention, he pulled
himself out of his lethargic approach to romance, shed his old habits and began
looking at Janet and relating to her in a new way. The change that took place
in this couple was most gratifying for both. Not only did they recapture some
of the exciting feelings they had had experienced when they first met, but they
also found a new mature understanding and happiness in their hitherto humdrum
relationship Case History Two: Robert, a 46
year old physician, who had pulled himself up by the proverbial bootstraps to
rise educationally and socially from his humble origins with parents who did
not speak English, was very proud of his professional success and his other
accomplishments in life. Though successful, he needed to be admired and hear
words of praise from his wife Maria but she had no awareness of this need. Robert
claimed that he did tell her about this need again and again, yet it was apparent
that he did not get through to her on this issue. Consequently, Maria never
quite realized how important it was for Robert that she convey to him her admiration
and recognition of his accomplishments. Maria failed to meet his needs in this
area because in spite of what he told her, she had always assumed that since
Robert was so successful he didn't need emotional support from her. Maria and I discussed privately the possible reasons why she had failed to
grasp her husband's emotional needs in this area. Apparently, the type of communication
that Robert wanted did not take place between her parents when she grew up.
Not only did her father and mother fail to compliment or praise each other,
they also failed to give this type of attention to their children. The reasons
for their failure to communicate recognition of accomplishments, praise and
appreciation to their children is unknown to me. However, I have heard from
many clients of a deliberate decision on the part of parents to withhold praise
for their children lest they become "swellheaded." This approach is
in error and has long-term harmful consequences. In my one-to-one sessions with Robert, he complained to me that the only place
he got positive reinforcement was at work. When meeting them together, I asked
each spouse to list all the things for which they would want their partner to
give them praise or recognition. Once Maria's eyes were opened to Robert's need
for recognition and praise for his professional and other successes, and the
effects of his lingering frustrations on the marriage, she addressed the problem.
However, changing her pattern of behavior did not come easily to her. In exploring
her inhibitions in fulfilling this task for her husband, we discovered that
she was unconsciously conflicted about throwing herself fully into this project
to satisfy Robert's emotional needs since she was unhappy about her lack of
satisfaction from him on some of her own emotional needs. Mutual revelation
of emotional needs had never taken place. Neither spouse had ever grasped their
partner's needs. 2.
Talks, But Doesn't Make Sure That Partner is Listening (TOP) A lack of trying is not the only reason why people fail to get their message
across. Sometimes the failure to get the message
across is due to the "mechanics" of the situation. For example, a
woman may tell something to her husband/boyfriend but fail to realize that she
doesn't have his attention. Case History Three: Margie, a
28 year old mother of a three year old child, and employed part time, complained
to me that her husband, Tom, a salesman, frequently insisted that she never
told him something she distinctly remembers having told him. In examining the
situation, it became clear that Tom was a great sports lover, and when engrossed
in the excitement of a sporting event, he was all ears and eyes on the TV screen.
When she wanted to tell Tom something, Margie would sometimes call out from
another room. But even when she spoke to him from the same room, she was often
unaware of how involved he was with the fast moving action on the screen. Now,
although it is true that Margie had told him what she claimed she had told him,
she frequently failed to talk louder than the TV, and often did not have his
attention, much less his full attention. It seems that on some occasions, Tom was not even aware that Margie was talking
to him, much less did he absorb what she was trying to convey. But even on those
occasions when he was aware of her presence, he was so engrossed in something
else, such as trying to get his remote control to work, surfing the Internet,
or doing take-home work that he frequently failed to redirect his focus to pay
attention to her. Margie's problem was that she often approached Tom at the
wrong time, when his mind was elsewhere, and unknowingly did not get his attention.
She mistakenly assumed that talking
to him was communicating with him. It took a lot of frustrating experiences with Tom, much yelling and screaming
and many fights before Tom understood that there was something lacking in their
communication process. Finally, in response to Margie's frequent complaints
and her unhappiness, Tom reluctantly agreed to see a marriage counselor and
the matter was brought to my attention. I explained to Tom how frustrating it was to Margie when she felt that talking
to him was like talking to a wall. I further explained that this non-communication
could take Margie beyond the anger stage and lead to a state of alienation.
I then instructed the couple on some of the basic rules of communication including
the absolute requirement that the speaker get
the target listener's attention before communication should begin.
Margie became more sensitive to timing. She became acutely skilled at getting
Tom's attention before she asked him to do something or before she would give
him instructions e.g., on taking care of their baby or on some other important
matter. I also suggested more dependable ways of assuring her husband's full
attention, e.g., by getting him to agree to a nightly meeting with her after
the children were asleep. This would afford the couple private time with each
other and give them an opportunity to talk about whatever was on their minds.
For further discussion on the importance of achieving the listener's attention click here for my article on "The
Difference Between Talking And Communicating." Now, it is true that some people will realistically claim that "there's
never a right time" to talk to their partner because he "never makes
himself available." Unavailability should be addressed as an interpersonal
problem by the marriage counselor; and although avoiding one's partner may be
manifested by a lack of communication, there are other symptoms to this problem.
Avoidance of one's partner is a serious interpersonal issue and the various
underpinnings of the problem must be explored fully with the counselor. Total
accessibility to one's spouse, and a free flow of communication will not take
place until the basic problem of avoidance is addressed directly and resolved. 3.
(a) Speaker Mumbles, (b) Speaker is Ambiguous or Vague, (c) Listener Misinterprets,
(d) Listener Mind-Reads (TOP) (a) Speaker Mumbles. Another
example of a failed attempt at communication occurs when a woman gets her partner's
attention, but mumbles her words when transmitting her message. Even though
both speaker and listener assume that communication has taken place, in effect,
he heard something other than what she wanted to say. Consequently, no viable
communication has taken place. (b) Speaker is Ambiguous or Vague.
A person is ambiguous when her words can be legitimately interpreted in more
than one way. Consequently, her partner may believe he correctly interpreted
her words, but in fact she meant them to be interpreted in another way. People
are vague when they talk about an event without relating the context, significant
details of the event, when they fail to explain the ramifications of what happened
or the importance of the event to the speaker (or listener). If the listener
fills in these gaps with ideas that emanate from his own imagination, he may
very well be wrong. The end result is that the speaker did not get across the
message she wished to convey. Here, too, no viable communication has taken place. (c) Listener Misinterprets. At other times, a spouse may state her position clearly, but for various reasons,
her partner misinterprets what was said. (d) Listener Mind-Reads. Mind reading is similar to misinterpreting but there is a difference. In Misinterpreting, the speaker
says something, but the listener "hears what he
wants to hear" and interprets it in a way that suits his purpose at the
time. For example, a woman says "maybe" but her date hears (misinterprets
it as) "yes." In a contentious relationship, a spouse makes an innocent
remark and her partner misinterprets it as an accusation or attack and gets angry at her.
In Mind-Reading, the speaker
doesn't say a word, but her partner assumes that she
is thinking something negative about him or is about to attack him. His suppositions
might be the farthest thing from her mind, but he reacts with anger as if she
is thinking or has already said the thought that he projects onto her. The mind-reader
then falsely accuses the innocent "speaker" (who has yet to say anything)
of a malicious attack.
Example of Misinterpretations: Vicki was unhappy about Jimmy's failure to admonish his mother when she acted
or spoke inappropriately, and she was very frustrated by his inability to contradict
or disagree with his mother. The young wife felt that both mother-in-law and
husband had a low regard for her mothering skills since Jimmy failed to support
her when his mother criticized something that Vicki had done with regard to
the children. This situation set the stage for misunderstandings between husband
and wife when it came to the sensitive topic of the children. Since she had given up her wish to be a nurse when she married and was throwing
her heart and soul into being a stay-at-home mom, Vicki was especially sensitive
to her mother-in-law's shadow of disapproval, and her husband's seeming acquiescence
to his mother's criticism. One day, during one of her mother-in-law's visits,
she remarked that her grandson, Vicki's oldest child, was not being taught good
manners. Not only did Jimmy fail to defend his wife to his mother, but even
after his mother left, he failed to tell Vicki that he disagreed with his mother,
and that he considered Vicki a fantastic wife and mother. Further, Jimmy had
actually commented to his mother that he was sorry that he didn't spend enough
time with the children. In her heightened sensitivity to the children issue,
Vicki went to an extreme in misinterpreting his words. She read into his comment
(mind reading) an indirect way of saying to his mother that he needed to spend
time with the children in order to teach them better manners and undo the poor
parenting that Vicki was giving them. 2. A man offered to clean up the kitchen. Later his wife asked him if he was
"finished with the kitchen." The husband was annoyed at the question
because he interpreted it as a precursor to a criticism that he had failed to
do certain things and in effect had done a lousy job. He feared that her next
words were going to be: "Well if that's what you call finished, I don't.
You forgot to…" In fact, that was not on her mind. Her attitude when asking the question was
a desire to be helpful. She had noticed that he had left certain things on the
table and she wanted to know whether she should put them away or should she
leave them there since he may not be finished with them. 3. A woman asked her partner if he would like to go to the movies with her.
He replied "No, I can't." She took this as a rejection because she
misinterpreted it as "No. I don't want to spend time with you." In
fact, he couldn't go because he had to complete a business project. 4. A wife helped her husband copy a list of names and addresses with phone
numbers. When she finished, she told him "There are mistakes on this list."
He thought that she was admitting sloppiness on her part, and he got annoyed.
In fact, she was referring to mistakes on the original list which she was able
to discern while copying them, e.g., different zip codes in the same small town
or area codes that belonged in another part of the state. 5. A woman expressed concern to her live-in boyfriend "You look worried,
is there a problem?" He got angry at her. He "heard" her say
You got a lot of problems, you need help." 6. A wife heard about a special out-of-town event and was enthused about the
possibility of going away for the weekend. She proposed the idea to her husband.
He said "OK." She was upset because she had expected a more enthusiastic
response. She misinterpreted his remark to mean that he really didn't want to
go there but would do so reluctantly. He explained to me that he did want to
go but that he doesn't get as excited about things as his wife does, and that
his "OK" was equivalent to her expression of enthusiasm and great
interest. The problem here was that his wife did not understand the difference
between her personality and her husband's personality. 7. Failure to understand a spouse's personality was also at the root of the
next example of misinterpretation. A young woman was very frustrated by her
husband's constant failure to share his thoughts and feelings with her. When
she complained about this, he replied: "I'm a simple person and don't have
anything on my mind." Since she was always full of emotions and feelings
she simply could not accept this as an answer. She told me that she felt lonely
in the relationship and betrayed because he was "keeping secrets"
from her. 8. In a similar situation, a woman frequently asked her live-in fiance how
he felt about some of her ideas, or plans or various events in their life. His
most usual answer was that he would have to think about it. She was hurt by
this answer because she interpreted it as a brush-off. The man explained in
our session that it was not his intention to brush her off. In the ensuing discussion,
he expressed marvel at how quickly his fiancee knew exactly how she felt about
something. He could not understand how she was able to know her emotions so
quickly and so effortlessly. His personality was different. He was not in touch
with his emotions and he really did need time to think about a situation before
he could tell her how he felt about it. In all of the situations described here, there was an attempt to communicate;
certainly, this is a good beginning. Unfortunately, in all of these situations,
the true message did not get across because the listener misinterpreted the
words or motives of the speaker. Misunderstandings can result in hurt, disappointment
and a breakdown of plans; they often result in frustration, anger and introduce
confusion and needless fights into the lives of the participants. When one or both partners accuse each other of jumping to false conclusions
about each other's words or motives, both should address the possible problem
of misunderstanding, misinterpretation or mind reading. Here are some guidelines
to follow. 4.
Doesn't Reveal Self Due to Fear of Criticism or Attack (TOP) Virtually all people come into a relationship
with a hidden agenda. The hidden agenda refers to subjects that pertain to the
individual or to the future relationship that are not discussed with the partner
in advance of the commitment to each other, the engagement or marriage.
Undisclosed items might include embarrassing or unflattering events of the past
or present. Sometime they consist of specific hopes, expectations or demands
that one person intends to make on their partner in the future e.g., I would
like to have children, don't want to have children, etc. Other subjects that
might not be discussed include a poor job history, financial status, debts,
drinking or drug history, or other negative habits. Still other avoided topics
include family secrets, sexual history, medical history, details of important
past events in the person's life such as marriages and long-term relationships,
or ongoing ties with an "ex." One reason why people do not communicate everything
about themselves is that they fear vulnerability and negative judgment by their
spouse/partner. A husband might withhold information from his wife because he is afraid that
she will think less of him if she knew all the facts, or in a worst case scenario,
use this information against him during a fight. Failure to bring these experiences
into the open often promotes suspicion and creates distance between spouses.
In such a situation, the wife might complain that her husband is a "closed
book" or keeps secrets. Sometimes a spouse discovers an important negative item about her partner
after marriage which she believes should have been disclosed before marriage.
This type of experience can be unsettling, can breed distrust and generally
has a negative impact on the relationship. A seed is planted for other problems
relating to trust. For more information on this subject, click here for my article
on "The
Hidden Agenda in Relationships." 5. Doesn't Communicate Because He Believes That Partner is Not Interested (TOP) When a wife correctly, or even incorrectly, assumes
that her spouse is uninterested in her daily life, a vicious cycle evolves which
harms both. There are times when a wife will fail to tell her husband
about her day because she thinks that he is not interested. Frequently she does
not get feedback from him indicating otherwise. Sometimes her assumption is
correct; other times incorrect. But even if her partner is interested,
if he doesn't show it; how is she to know? A vicious cycle ensues when his failure
to let her know of his interest in her day leads her to believe that he doesn't
care. In response, she refrains from sharing her experiences with him. Her failure
to relate her daily experiences at work, or with her friends, leads him to the
false conclusion that she doesn't want to share this part of her life with him. Case History Five: Martha, 54, was a successful
physical therapist at a Veteran's Administration Hospital who her took pride
in her work with injured veterans. Her husband, Jack, 57, was chief financial
officer of a large corporation. Jack rarely asked his wife about her work, in
part because of his busy schedule, his constant preoccupation with major problems
in his company, and also because Martha didn't seem interested in talking about
her day. Martha, on her part, rarely offered information about her clinical experiences to her husband
because she was sensitive to Jack's frequent preoccupation with major company
problems, and indeed, his failure to take the initiative in asking her about
her day. She further believed that since she didn't earn anywhere near what
he earned, he denigrated the importance of her job. The result was that she
knew virtually nothing about his professional world and his knowledge of her
professional world was no better. This state
of affairs did not seem to bother Jack but it bothered Martha. She felt unimportant
in the eyes of her husband because of his apparent disinterest in a very important
part of her life. Sadly, she was unaware of how mistaken she was about this
supposed attitude of Jack, nor was she aware of the role she was playing in
maintaining Jack's lack of communication with her on this subject. Jack and Martha were not in touch with each other's feelings and a vicious
cycle ensued. Martha didn't tell about her activities at the hospital or her
feelings about her patients and colleagues because she assumed that Jack was
not interested. Since Martha did not initiate discussion about clinic happenings,
Jack mistakenly assumed that Martha didn't really care
to talk about her work experiences or her relationships with the
veterans who she was treating. Sadly, Martha came to
the exact same conclusion about Jack's failure to discuss his day with her.
Neither of them realized the role that each of them played into bringing about
these two misunderstandings. Further, not only were they not communicating with
each other about an important part of their lives, they
were not communicating about their lack of communication. Martha and Jack's failure to discuss their day with each other continued for many years
until another matter brought them into marriage counseling at which time they
learned how their erroneous assumptions about each other had brought about a
vicious cycle in their daily interactions. They also learned that their inadequate
communication was not only the original cause of their erroneous assumptions
which led to their failure to share their day with each other, but that this
same inadequacy in communication was the reason why neither of them challenged
the status quo for close to three decades! Although this couple suffered a massive lack of contact
with each other, fortunately there was good will on both sides. Martha's full disclosure about her life as a physical therapist and the
ongoing events at the V.A. hospital made their evening conversations more interesting
and changed Jack's perception of his wife. By listening to the varied problems
that Martha faced and how she solved them, Jack's eyes were opened to the major
impact his wife had on the lives of the men who came to her clinic for treatment.
He also learned a lot about Martha's compassion and concern for each of her
patients, and other wonderful qualities about his wife about which he had only
been dimly aware. When Jack began discussing the problems and politics of his
job, Martha felt much closer to him, and discovered that he valued her opinion
when he was facing certain decisions at work. There was an "explosion"
of talk between them, and they were like two teenagers during their very first
discovery of a "soul mate" with who they can talk for hours. It would
be an understatement to say that Martha and Jack began to enjoy a fuller and
more satisfying relationship with each other. When Jack and Martha completed their marriage counseling,
Jack marveled to me that in the past if they had to sit with each other for
ten minutes they had "nothing to say," but now they could spend hours
on end with each other and "keep talking non-stop." Partners who
do not communicate with each other, and fail
to communicate about their problem of not communicating are stuck
in the mud. Their
passivity creates a vicious cycle and perpetuates an undesirable situation.
If not for the unexpected problem that brought this couple into therapy, they
might have stayed locked in their lack of communication and in their emotional
alienation for the rest of their lives. 6.
Doesn't Communicate Because He Believes That Talking Would be Futile (TOP) There are times when one partner would love to communicate because he wants
to raise a complaint, pre-empt a problem that might arise, or solve an ongoing
problem. However, he doesn't even try because he has
learned from sad experience that his partner will either not take the matter
seriously, will not be open minded during the discussion, or will not be willing
to compromise at the end. He believes that discussing the matter
would be futile. This type of situation can bring about a sense
of powerlessness and pessimism about his status in the relationship and in his
ability to remediate a problem. Such a situation will bring about distance between
two people which will cause a further deterioration in the relationship. If
a problem is not discussed, how can it be resolved? Ignoring it does not make
it disappear. Case History Six: A couple came
to me after twenty one years of marriage. The wife, Marion, was demanding a
divorce. Her husband, John, an independent contractor, was flabbergasted. They
had not had a fight in the last eighteen years, nor had there been a harsh word
between them, or even a disagreement. She had not made a single complaint to
him since their only son was born, had never commented negatively on anything
he ever did, and never complained that he failed to fulfill a responsibility.
He was bewildered: "How could she possibly want a divorce?" During a few private minutes with Marion at the very beginning of the counseling
process, she revealed to me that she experienced great disappointment in John
very soon after her marriage to him. Most of their dating and courtship had
taken place while she was at an out-of-town college and they hardly knew each
other when they married upon her graduation. It did not take her long to discover
that her husband did not respect her feelings or opinions and always insisted
on having his way. John was one of those "My way, or the highway"
kind of persons. She sadly came to the conclusion that discussing
a difference of opinion with him or arguing for the purpose of reaching a mutually
satisfactory solution was futile. After struggling with John for three years, Marion stopped trying to persuade
her husband about anything. But she promised herself that when their infant
son became independent, she would leave her husband. She reported to me that
she bit her tongue, submerged her personality, and went along with everything
John wanted for the next eighteen years. After high school, her son joined the army and Marion began to act upon her
original plan to the consternation and shock of her husband. Her negative position
towards him had hardened over a period of many years and was so frozen by the
time the couple came to me, in response to John's pleas that they go for marriage
counseling rather than to a divorce lawyer, that it was impossible for me to
reach her. John and Marion ended up in the divorce court. This was the most
extreme case I have ever encountered in which one spouse considered it futile
to talk to the other spouse. 7.
Doesn't Communicate Because He Is Afraid of Starting a Fight (TOP) It has been aptly said: "One word
can start a war." In this scenario, it is not the fear of futility
that stymies communication, but rather the fear of a fight. The fear is based
on each person's belief that their partner is short-tempered, extremely
argumentative, stubborn, or just looking for a fight. Even in
those situations where one or both partners were normally patient when they
first met, they have now reached the end of their patience with each other.
The slightest spark sets off an explosion. After years of having failed to settle
their differences by peaceful negotiation, they have come to the conclusion
that they simply cannot handle disagreements without getting into a fight. In such couples, both partners have "learned"
to stop talking to each other about potentially confrontational issues in order
to keep the peace. A frequent result of this pessimism about
their ability to work out their problems is that the relationship becomes humdrum,
loses its former ardor and problems are not solved. As their unhappiness and
frustrations build up, such couples slowly drift
away from each other. This progressive deterioration eventually
leads to a co-existence with little meaningful interaction. At some point, even
if they are not looking for an outside relationship, their need for closeness
and connection makes them both vulnerable to outside liaisons or to a sudden
breakup. Sometimes One Partner Mistakenly Fears a Fight As the honeymoon period fades away for married as well as unmarried people,
the reality of living together with another person with all of its concomitant
frustrations gradually fades in. Since it is normal for people to be unhappy
when their needs or expectations are not met, it is crucial that the newlyweds,
or the newly living together individuals who are not married be adept at revealing
their desires and frustrations to each other in a constructive manner. If
a person fails to bring his unhappiness to the attention of his partner in a
constructive fashion, his concerns will not be addressed and the issues that
bother him will remain unresolved. When problems are not addressed, they pile
up, and eventually the situation reaches a breaking point. Case History Seven: Keith, a
graphics designer, was unhappy about a number of things in his marriage, but
never let his wife Kathy, a school secretary, know his feelings. After five
years of marriage, he sprang upon her the announcement that he was leaving her:
he moved out. She was shocked. In all their years of marriage he had never given
her the slightest reason to suspect any unhappiness on his part. He acceded
to her request that they go for marriage counseling. During the few minutes that I spent alone with Keith during the couple's first
session, he confided to me that he did not wish to repair the marriage. He came
only because of Kathy's reaction to his leaving, and his wish to show her that
he was not an uncaring person. He wished to provide her with the support that
a marriage counselor would give, and add his own support by his presence at
the weekly sessions. Keith was truly concerned about the shock he had administered
to Kathy and the pain he had caused her. He was compassionate in his understanding
that her illusion of a happy marriage had been shattered. He was also aware
that her day-day-living would be more complicated in that she would now be solely
responsible for the upkeep of the house and the care of their two dogs. But
Keith confided that there was another reason why he came along for counseling.
He was curious about the underlying causes of
his failed marriage. During the course of my sessions with the couple, Keith revealed that he hated
confrontations. In his eyes, any complaint to his wife or criticism of her behavior
would have constituted a confrontation in his eyes, so he never said a word
about his unhappiness. As the frustrations and dissatisfactions built up, Keith's
bottled-up resentments continued to grow until the pressure reached a force
which he could no longer keep under control. He lacked the communication skills
to defuse the situation by addressing the problems, and he also lacked the stamina
to live with the problems. Keith was caught in a bind. He saw separation and
divorce as the only way out. During subsequent meetings, it became clear that
Keith, a decent and caring person, although naive about marriage had the mistaken
belief that people who love each other are not supposed to have problems.
He also believed that if problems do occur they will solve themselves. And if
they don't, then the couple should split up because the presence of problems
that don't go away by themselves proves that the couple is mismatched. He had
little insight into the nature of the marital relationship and was woefully
lacking in the most rudimentary problem-solving skills. After listening carefully to Keith's complaints against Kathy and after getting
a good feel for his emotional state, I advised him that none of his marital
problems seemed insuperable, and that it was clear to me that his
erroneous thinking about marriage and his failure to employ rudimentary communication
skills were the major problems in his marriage. He needed to realize that both
of these problems could be remedied. I further explained that
although he was free to separate from—or even permanently leave her—his
wife if he so chose, his problems would go with him into any future relationship.
I also noted that if he didn't learn good communication skills now, with Kathy,
he would have to start from scratch with his next partner. In addition, since
Kathy was willing to talk to him about his unhappiness, he might as well take
advantage of this opportunity to develop an ability to reveal his feelings to
a woman. Keith agreed that he had nothing to lose and a lot to gain from the
experience of discussing with his wife their past and present relationship.
Keith committed to take instruction in problem-solving tools and to practice
them on his wife despite their separation. I began his training during joint
counseling sessions with the couple and encouraged both partners to meet outside
of my office to practice Keith's newly acquired communication skills. Being
convinced now that having problems is not an indication that two people are
mismatched, and having learned that Kathy was more than ready to listen to his
pent-up complaints and even willing to accommodate him in the issues that he
raised with her, Keith began to look at his nearly defunct marriage in a new
light. Eventually, he moved back with Kathy and continued to express his complaints
and feelings as problems arose. He and Kathy had profited greatly from their
marriage counseling experience. They were both doing well and happy with each
other when they came for their last session. When Good Communicators Make Tacit Deals With
Each Other In these situations, I explain to the couple that this "third party"
is putting a wedge between them and hurting the relationship. Further, if the
dependent is a child or adolescent, he will quickly sense the fact that each
parent is isolated and vulnerable in this situation, and will find ways of playing
off one against the other to the deteriment of all concerned. A constructive
goal would be for the two adults to confer with each other and work together
on the problem. This will not only benefit the dependent who will now be presented
with a united front, but will also benefit the couple since they will no longer
be on opposite sides of the fence, but rather on the same side. They will achieve
a win-win situation in that they will strengthen the relationship as well as
remediate the situation by exchanging ideas and working together on a problem
that they both recognize. 8.
Doesn't Share Decision Making Due to Insensitivity or Lack of Respect for Partner
(TOP) A spouse's failing to communicate might reflect
a lack of respect for her partner's opinion. This type of avoidance
might include a wife's failure to get her husband's input on matters concerning
the house, children, family or friends. The decision-maker thinks that she knows
the situation better than her husband by virtue of the fact that she spends
more time at home and because it is primarily her responsibility to care for
the children or manage the family's social activities with friends. In the same
vein, a husband might not ask his wife's opinion about buying a car, investing
money or office politics, e.g., his goal of getting a promotion at work, because
he thinks "What does she know about getting a promotion in a large corporation,
she's had the same job as a physical therapist in a small facility for the last
ten years." With regards to buying a new car he might not consult her with
respect to the financial implications since he has no confidence in her ability
to handle their money obligations. Sometimes
the spouse enjoys the decision making role; at other times she doesn't. Spouse Enjoys the Decision-Making Role Spouse Does Not Enjoy the Decision-Making Role In the course of time, her spouse's complacence in the face of problems
may lead a woman to the unpleasant conclusion that she has no choice but to
assume the role of sole decision-maker and problem solver. In this scenario,
the decision-maker may feel resentful that she alone must assume the burden
of anticipating and/or being alert to problems that are already thrust on the
family, carrying the responsibility of making decisions to formulate and implement
solutions, and following through on a variety of family plans to make sure that
they are brought to fruition. In many situations of this nature, the passive spouse is happy to be taken
care of, but will sometimes make the ironic complaint that his active take-charge
partner is too controlling. As noted at the beginning of the article, the English
language forces the author to write "he" or "she" and will
not allow for a gender-neutral term such as "it" when referring to
a person. All of the points mentioned in this article are relevant to both genders. 9.
Doesn't Share Decisions Because of a Desire to Control (TOP) Sometimes people fail to communicate their intentions or plans with their spouse
because consulting with another is seen as a limit
on their sense of control. Therefore they make unilateral decisions
even on matters that affect both partners. For example, when it comes to making
a major expenditure such as decorating the house or buying a car, the person
might rationalize: "Why do I have to ask him/her for permission to spend
my money? I earned it!" The individual fails to understand that communicating
his plans and sharing in the decision-making process does not impair, but in
fact enhances his status in the relationship since sharing ideas and consulting
with another person strengthens the bond between two people. Failure
to communicate with one's spouse due to a desire to control leads to further
separation and alienation from each other. Case History Eight: Meredith
had married young and had given birth to a congenitally ill child. The stress
of her son's chronic and deteriorating condition added to her marital woes and
she eventually lost both child and marriage. After her husband left, she continued
living in the comfortable house they had purchased and furnished together. Meredith
threw herself into the business world where her intelligence, charm, initiative
and diligence propelled her to more and more responsible positions, but she
longed for marriage and family. To pursue this goal, Meredith went online and
eventually met Marshall, a successful NJ businessman. She was impressed by what
she learned about this divorced man during the course of their long distance
relationship which included a few trips from her home in a cosmopolitan city
on the West coast to visit the NJ suburb where Marshall lived and vice versa.
Eventually, Meredith was willing to give up her exciting job, friends, family
and cosmopolitan existence in a big city to live with Marshall in what she considered
an attractive but boring New Jersey suburb. She did this for the sake of her
long term goal of marriage and family. Soon after marriage, Meredith learned to her dismay that she was not living
in her own house or even "their" house, but rather in "his"
house. Worse, the choice of furniture, rugs, wallpaper, pictures, and overall
décor did not reflect Meredith's taste, but rather that of Marshall's
ex wife. Consequently, Meredith felt that she was just a shadowy figure residing
in her husband's first wife's house. Meredith explained her plight to Marshall and he agreed to sell the house.
However, when a number of months went by and he made no moves in that direction,
Meredith felt that she was in limbo. Not only was she unhappy because she was
not permitted to change the décor in the house since it was supposed
to be for sale, but she was further stymied because Marshall had made no arrangements
with a realtor to put the house on the market and he also forbade Meredith from
taking steps in that direction. Additionally, when Meredith suggested living
in a certain nearby town, more suitable to her tastes, even though her selection
was closer to Marshall's business than his present house, he rejected her suggestion. Meredith did not look for a job in New Jersey because of the couple's agreement
that they would start a family soon after marriage. At age 36, she was eager
to get pregnant, but Marshall was dragging his feet on that matter too. He said
that in view of Meredith's numerous complaints and clear unhappiness, he was
unsure about the future of the marriage and he did not think the situation warranted
bringing a child into the world. Meredith began to feel the full impact of giving
up her job, condo and independence. She was now totally under Marshall's control.
She saw him as a unilateral decision-maker and was pained that her feelings,
needs and wishes were not being considered. Furthermore, Meredith was now totally removed from her family as well as her
friends with whom she used to meet regularly, relax together, visit their customary
haunts, and go on spur-of-the-moment mini-, as well as regular, vacations. The
loss of her established support system in conjunction with the geographical
dislocation was highly disruptive to Meredith and brought on loneliness, despair
and the beginnings of depression. These losses made Meredith even more dependent
on—and resentful of—Marshall. All of the above-mentioned factors created friction from the very beginning
of Meredith and Marshall's marriage. A vicious cycle ensued: The more unhappy
Meredith became, the more insecure Marshall became about the future of the marriage
and the more reluctant he was to implement the two major changes that his wife
demanded. These changes involved selling a house in which he had lived for many
years and with which he was perfectly happy, and bringing a baby into what he
considered an unstable marriage. His delays in these two important areas increased
her unhappiness and strengthened the vicious cycle. Marshall's refusal to give
up control moved the formerly self sufficient Meredith into an untenable position,
and contributed greatly to the instability of their fledgling marriage. Meredith's unhappiness led to a threat of divorce. This plunged the couple
into a crisis and catapulted them into marriage counseling. It soon became clear
to Marshall that in order to save his marriage it was essential for him to take
a long hard look at his controlling attitude and make some very important concessions
to meet his wife's wishes. There are couples who would like to engage in discussion and communicate,
but their work schedules stand in their way.
A restaurant owner leaves his house early and comes home late at night. Policemen,
firemen, toll collectors, nurses, bus drivers and others work in shifts. Very
few professionals, self employed business people, or corporate executives have
9-5 jobs. Some couples that I have worked with barely see each other during
the week. When the weekend arrives, they are so overwhelmed with household duties
and children that there is little alone-time with each other. The communication
that should take place between them is severely limited. Sometimes, one member of the couple has frequent out-of-town assignments that
separate the couple for days at a time. They may find it hard to keep in touch
via telephone because of late meetings and different time zones that complicate
the communication process. But even in those not-too-frequent cases where both
husband and wife have a "normal" 9-5 routine with a not-too-exhausting
commute, one, or both parents may be so burdened with take-home work from the
office, household chores, caring for the children or spending quality time with
them after the babysitter leaves that by the time
they are finished with all their duties, they
both flop into bed exhausted. They have virtually no time alone with each other.
If both spouses are excellent communicators they will compensate for these handicaps
in some way, but should one partner be deficient, and certainly if both partners
are deficient in communication skills, the relationship will suffer. In 21st
century America, with opportunities opening for women in virtually every area
of employment, two working spouses is the norm. The problem of limited communication
due to lack of private time together is an all-too-common phenomenon. Case History Nine: In the case
of one young couple that I saw, the husband went to school during the day and
worked at night. His wife was training for a career as a beautician and had
the opposite schedule. Both also had Saturday classes. Since they had no children,
they were free to spend all of their spare time with each other. But
they didn't have spare time and virtually never saw each other. Consequently,
they were like two ships passing each other at night. They spent
all of their time and energies on their respective careers. The relationship
suffered. The husband spent more time with his classmates than with his wife.
He became attracted to a young woman at school and had an affair. Lack of time together and the resulting failure to communicate is sometimes
unavoidable and neither person is to blame. But blame is not the issue. The
issue is that individuals who do not spend enough time with each other do not
strengthen their bond and nourish their relationship. Consequently, their psychological
needs are not met. Since people spend a major portion of their waking hours
at work where they are frequently partnered with members of the opposite sex,
opportunities for close relationships exist. In situations where psychological
needs are not met at home, a person may be tempted to become emotionally involved
with a third party to fulfill those unmeet needs. However, temptations can be
resisted. Problems at home can be addressed and resolved. 11.
Communicates in an Offensive Manner (TOP) "An angry tongue is worse than
a wicked hand." Author Unknown Although the speaker may have initial success at gaining the listener's attention
and interest, the speaker may lose her initial rapport with the listener—in
an instant—because of a hostile manner or an insulting approach. The
consequence of an offensive manner is a failure in communication. In some situations, the speaker may have been truly wronged and therefore
feels entitled to yell or scream in righteous indignation. Yet,
the complainer doesn't realize that in presenting herself this way, she is alienating
the very person she is trying to reach and whose sympathy she is trying to elicit.
By attacking, she diverts her spouse's initial
goal of absorbing her message to the goal of defending himself or fighting back.
In this latter, all-too-frequent situation, how much effective communication
will there be? How successful will the wife be at getting her husband to see
her hurt, arouse an empathic response, or solve the problem when the clearest
message that comes across is her anger? Human beings have an innate understanding
of manner and tone both of which overshadow spoken words. Even positive words
carry negative weight when they are spoken in an offensive manner, e.g., sarcasm.
How then could a person be expected to respond in an accommodating fashion to
negative words, such as a complaint when it is not presented diplomatically,
but rather with blame or attack? A variation of the above scenario is one in which both partners initiate the
complaint/discussion/argument in a respectful fashion. However at some point,
one person "loses it" and raises his
voice or insults his partner. Or perhaps he interrupts, counter-accuses
on the original complaint against him, counterattacks on another matter, or
infringes on any of the other nineteen rules of respectful communication.
If his partner follows suit and picks up on this angry mode, the couple is no
longer engaged in a constructive discussion or argument; they are fighting.
Because of poor communications skills, many couples will quickly transform
a discussion into an argument, and an argument into a fight. During one of these
destructive episodes, the original complaint or problem is quickly overshadowed
and even forgotten because of the fight that ensues. Sadly, since the problem
does not get resolved and the partners are now angry at each other, they are
worse off than before. One of the goals of marriage
counseling is to teach partners how to discuss, complain and argue respectfully.
The end of a good argument is a mutually agreed upon solution. The end of a
deterioated argument is a fight. Deception is the forerunner of serious trouble.
Communication means sharing or imparting information. Deception or withholding
important information is a form of miscommunication and represents a complete
breakdown in the communication process. Trouble is brewing when a person lies
or withholds information from one's partner on the theory "What he doesn't
know won't hurt him." That individual is treading on thin ice, because
he is violating a basic tenet of all relationships:
trust. Examples of deception range from not really being at
the office so late, as he tells his wife, but being out with his male buddies
(or worse, a single friend of the opposite sex) at a bar for a few drinks; this
in an example of lying. But even if he did say he was at a bar with his friends,
if he didn't specify that it was a go-go bar, he is guilty of withholding sensitive
information. In another situation, a wife or girlfriend is playing with dynamite when the
person she met for lunch wasn't really a business associate, but rather an old
flame. And a husband or boyfriend is also playing with dynamite when he tells
his partner that his boss insisted that he attend an out-of-town business conference,
when it was a different kind of conference that he attended. In fact, the conference
was purely voluntary and not in the line of company business. Other instances
of deception include sending and receiving secret e-mails, or text messages
and making secret calls from a cell phone to a "friend from work"
who just happens to be a member of the opposite sex. Further, when a wife discovers
that her husband changes the password to his computer or cell phone, or erases
his outgoing and incoming cell phone messages each day, or worse, discovers
that he has a cell phone that she did not know existed, she has reason to be
suspicious. Other reasons for suspicion include later than usual hours, more—and
longer—out of town trips, more attention to personal appearance, emotional
distance, and change in sexual behavior. Using a 21st century high-tech approach
to this painful inquiry into spousal infidelity, Ruth Houston lists 829 tell-tale
signs, divided into 21 categories, in her book, Is He Cheating on You? Breaking Trust is a Recipe For Disaster Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining I have seen many situations where an infidelity shook a marriage to its roots
and sent the couple into a mode of total mobilization. In this mode they took
a long hard look at their marriage and assessed its importance in their lives,
with resultant growth and improvement. Many times
the fallout from the infidelity stimulates a mature re-evalution, renaissance
and restoration of the relationship and becomes the silver lining around the
cloud of despair, depression, hurt, anger and pain. Janis Spring, PhD, wrote two good books on this subject: After the
Affair and How Can I Forgive You? Each book is written
with sensitivity and compassion in a non-judgmental way with the goal of helping
both partners in their struggle for reconciliation and healing. There is one more type of failed communication
that I'd like to discuss. I am referring to a situation in which an individual
tries to get a point across again again, and again, but fails. She may follow
every communication rule in the book, but her husband just doesn't get it. He
neither wants to hear her complaints nor do anything about them. He finds the
status quo perfectly acceptable, and except for her constant complaints, even
fine. He may not care very much about her feelings or her state
of unhappiness. Or perhaps he does care at some level, but rationalizes that
her unhappiness is a passing phase and "she'll get over it." In either
case, he doesn't take the problems she presents as serious, and he certainly
doesn't think that he and his wife need professional counseling. But she doesn't
give up her quest for satisfaction. She talks till she's blue in the face—to
no avail—and one day, she's finally "had it." She
realizes that she cannot and will not live this way anymore and threatens divorce,
or may even go to a lawyer. This mobilizes her husband to act.
His eyes are now open to the possibility that he may to lose his wife, children,
and the convenient, comfortable family setup. He doesn't want this to happen.
Although her complaints had been ignored all these years, she has his attention
now. What went wrong in the communication process? This is open to debate. What Went Wrong? On the other hand, one may argue that there was nothing wrong with her ability
to communicate. During all those years, she was successful in getting the message
of her unhappiness across. Her failure was not in her communication skills,
but rather in her ability to gain his empathy or cooperation in addressing the
problem. Is it a fault in communication that
she was unable to persuade him to change his mind about addressing her unhappiness
without the threat of divorce? I don't think so. Let's explore other possibilities as to where the failure lay. Could it be
that the fault lay in her persuasive powers? Or could the fault lie in her husband's
personality...or in his concept of marriage? Was there something wrong with
her husband's attitude to his wife? Was he too selfishly focused on his own
needs and indifferent to her needs? Did he simply
lack the maturity to love and the capacity to empathize with another person?
Many people in a committed relationship do not
realize that their own happiness is inextricably bound to the happiness of their
spouse. If they make only minimal efforts to keep their spouse happy, or worse,
show an indifference to their spouse's unhappiness, their relationship will
not last. It should be noted, however, that unhealthy relationships
do last if the short-changed spouse does not have enough self esteem
to demand what is rightfully his/hers in the relationship and/or is not mentally
healthy enough to pull him/herself out of a relationship that does not meet
his/her minimum requirements. When a couple comes for marriage counseling with the type of problem described
above, it is important that they each understand the complexity of the situation.
Their lingering problems and the pent-up feelings of frustration, anger and
resentment of the short-changed partner (and generally they both feel this way)
are not going to be dissolved in a few counseling sessions. In addition to a
time commitment on the part of the couple, both partners must bring to the counselor
an intelligent approach, a minimal level of maturity, and above all an open
mind. Both spouses must be willing to place their cards on the table face up
and play an "open game" with each other. It takes flexibility, a cooperative
spirit, and courageous honesty to give the counseling process—and the marriage—a
fair chance for success. Epilogue: In order for a marriage to succeed, it is essential
that each spouse commit him/her self to the happiness of their partner and express
this in words and deeds. In this article, we have spoken at
length about words; now, let's talk about deeds. I am referring to the daily
acts of kindness, sensitivity and consideration that a loving spouse does for
his partner. Loving behavior and deeds reflect the underlying emotions of a
caring attitude and an acknowledgement of one's partner's importance and value. When a positive attitude is supported by positive
behavior there will be an increase of love, closeness, and true friendship.
Expressing your love with verbal as well as behavioral communication will start
a benign cycle which will increase your partner's caring behavior for you, and
will create warm, dependable, trusting feelings, and an ever-lasting love between
both spouses. For instructions on how to print this article please go to the top of this page. (TOP) Visit us again at www.MarriageCounselorNJ.com. |
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