Happily Ever After?

by Reuben E. Gross, PhD, ABPP, LMFT

“Once upon a time,” when one heard the phrase; “They got married and . . . ” an internal cue would prompt the words, “they lived happily ever after.” No more . . . nowadays, a more sophisticated epilogue would be, “their problems first began.”

First-Time Marriages

For first-time marriages, the problems might be power struggles over how much time partners spend with each other, how many activities do they engage in with or without each other, and whether or not they make their spouse their number one priority. Other areas of conflict might include money, respect, roles and responsibilities to each other, affection, sex, or in-laws. All this, in addition to the frustration that comes with the inevitable, greater or lesser, disillusionment that follows most romantically based marriages. In worst-case scenarios, there is a woeful incompetence in communication so that good problem-solving strategies are rarely used. Instead, in too many cases marriage counselors report arguments, anger, blaming, name calling, hurt, disappointment and withdrawal, with the result that the original good situation goes from good to bad, and from bad to worse.

Judith Viorst writes in Grown-up Marriage as follows: "IT'S SO HARD TO BE MARRIED. It's so much damn work. There's so much—choose one or more or all of the following—pain, rage, disillusionment, betrayal, bitterness, sacrifice, loneliness, boredom, contempt, despair, disconnection. This isn't the person I married, or this isn't the person I want to be married to now, or I can't be who I want to be in this relationship. Could I leave you? Should I leave you? How do we decide how much blood and sweat and tears we owe to our marriage?"

Are Second Marriages Better?

With second marriages, the phrase "They got married and..." might be followed by such realistic epilogues as (here too, in a worst-case scenario): her alimony stopped, her children resented that she had to go to work, they had to move to a new neighborhood, change schools, lose contact with their friends, etc. Further, her children resented having to share their mother with her new husband, didn't like him very much, nor did he seem to like them, nor did they get along with his children from his first marriage. Sometimes, previously married spouses fight over loyalties to their own biological children, from their first marriage, vs. their loyalty to their spouse's children from his/her first marriage. They may also fight over time commitments with their original families, or ties with their respective "ex," or their ex-in-laws, especially at holiday times. With older or more established couples, disputes may arise over prenuptial agreements, how each spouse's will is to be written, inheritance of property and other financial matters.

The sad epilogue might be: 

They were happy for a while because they were very much in love, but they discovered that they couldn't live with each other for a variety of reasons, not limited to those cited above. They came to the sad conclusion that they simply could not juggle all the demands made on them from so many different sources and that getting married was a mistake. Nor did each person turn out to be what the other person thought he/she was getting in the first place. 

Sadly, the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than that for first marriages. But with effort, commitment, devotion, and proper help, many couples can beat this statistic.

Since people who enter into second marriages are more experienced, both partners may think that they are sophisticated enough to know what they are looking for in a spouse. With the painful experience of their first marriage behind them, and the lessons they have learned about people, they believe that they now know enough about the opposite sex so that they can rely on their judgment and their observations of their prospective spouse so that "what they see is what they (will) get." Sadly, they sometimes discover traits or situations that they never anticipated. But this need not lead to resignation or despair. Unexpected problems constitute a challenge, but this is not a defeat; under many circumstances, this challenge can be met successfully. For more information on this subject please click here for my article on "The Hidden Agenda in Relationships." 

Marriage is a 50-50 Proposition. (50% make it; 50% don't).

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the U.S. divorce rate has hovered at the 50% level since 1980. But if getting married can be a mistake for some people, a far more serious mistake is society's failure to prepare prospective mates for marriage. Essentially we build up the institution of marriage, glorify and romanticize it, make a great big hoopla while planning and enjoying the celebration, all the while spending a small fortune on a 4 to 5-hour event. We then wish the couple "good luck" while sending them off on a virtual sink-or-swim mission. At Jewish weddings, many people say, “mazal tov,” without realizing that the literal translation of these words is: “may you have good astrological signs.” But perhaps this is the most appropriate blessing to bestow upon the happy, but unwitting, couples because at the rate that marriages go today, their chances of success are barely better (approximately 50%) than their chances at the casinos in Atlantic City. But there is one difference: the casino gamblers understand the odds, the newlyweds do not. And, unfortunately, due to the lack of an even rudimentary course on "The Proper Care, Training and Treatment of a Spouse," luck (the astrological signs) will play too much of a part in their marital success.

But the biggest mistake most couples can make is to become discouraged and give up just because their marriage has hit a wall…is going nowhere…or is going downhill. Spiraling downward marriages can be saved, can be turned around, and ultimately can be very happy.

The Need For Formal Instruction in Human Relationships

Why do we assume that just because a couple has reached a certain age, they are capable of a successful marriage? Indeed, no one would question a couple's right to marriage and parenthood. And yet, a wise observer might legitimately ask: “What training, instruction or competencies do the newlyweds have in either of these great and complicated enterprises?” Many people would respond “Individuals learn all about marriage in their homes."  Unfortunately, this argument often boils down to a case of the blind leading the blind. And even in the best of cases, i.e., with a very happily married couple, it is the rare parent who invites his children into the inner chambers of the marriage to demonstrate its complexities, problems, and solutions. Where does this leave the next generation?

Courses, Courses Everywhere, But Not Any in Human Relations

Our schools require training and proficiency in algebra, ancient history, and foreign languages. However, they give scant attention to the most important and complicated of life's challenges: being a good spouse. Some would say that such a subject cannot be taught in a formal fashion. Not so. Being a good spouse is composed of numerous individual skills that can be isolated, highlighted, and taught at all age levels. These skills can then be practiced on members of one's family, friends, and classmates--the very people the person would practice on with what the child supposedly learns in the informal “at home” classroom. The curriculum to prepare individuals for marriage should focus on the development of such basic interpersonal skills as respect for self and others, compassion, selflessness, respect for the truth, the ability to empathize, express emotions, bond, communicate effectively, and resolve differences. Together, these competencies form the infrastructure for all human relationships, and are critical for compatible living in one of the most complex of all human relationships: marriage.

Many studies show that the single most important factor that contributes to the permanency of a relationship is the ability of the couple to argue constructively and resolve their differences in a friendly fashion.

There was a time when the total education of the young took place at home. Eventually it was recognized that very few parents had the requisite skills and knowledge that society wished to pass on to the next generation, and even if they did, they made poor teachers. We took a step in the right direction by instituting a compulsory system of public education, and continually enriched the curriculum to the point where we now include such up-to-date courses as driver and computer education. Why not enrich the curriculum even further by adding such sophisticated courses as “Preparation For Marriage” for singles or premarital couples, and Adult-Ed courses in “Marriage Enhancement” for married couples?

Overcoming Negative Stereotypes

Sadly, many people consider any course in human emotions or relationships “sissy” or stigmatic. Well, if negative stereotypes such as prudery in sexuality have changed, so can attitudes about education in human relationships. However, as a concession to those people who would feel more comfortable about such courses if they were required, and we do require courses in physical health, why not establish a required progression of courses in mental health and interpersonal relationships beginning with elementary school? If we recognize the dangers of inept driving, why not the dangers of emotional immaturity and unprepared marital partners? For those who still say that such courses are unnecessary, I reply: look at the devastation around you. The “normative” child in this country no longer comes from a two-parent household. The stability and strength that our children once derived from the old-fashioned “nuclear family” is a fading phenomenon.

What Form Will This Education Take?

Understandably, for the education and training recommended here, there is a need for an experiential and interactive type of presentation rather than the lecture, note-taking format we so frequently experience in school. No problem. Many program formats for the type of workshop and education suggested here can be formulated from the abundance of experience in curriculum development that evolved from the numerous workshops and seminars offered by various humanistic schools and marriage encounter groups all over the country for the past few decades.

How long will society continue to ignore an epidemic that destroys fifty percent of American marriages? Shall we continue to shrug our shoulders and ignore this problem, or shall we do something about it? Blackjack players who wish to beat the odds can always sign up for a course in card-memorization. What can the newlyweds do? And what about the "old marrieds?"

How Should You be Feeling Now?

For one thing, don't feel embarrassed about recognizing or admitting that you need help from a marriage counselor. This is a very healthy first step for you. Denial and delay will only make the problem worse and harder to solve when you finally do face up to it. Secondly, don't feel guilty. In most situations, you and your spouse got very little or no training for your marriage or committed relationship. How is either of you supposed to be a competent partner?

A favorite metaphor that I give to my couples involves a summer camp swimming counselor who didn't give a single lesson to any of his campers, but nevertheless, lined them all up at the side of a deep gigantic pool, and called out: "OK, if you want to swim, jump in!" Catastrophe? What else can you expect? And yet, this is exactly what society says to committed couples: "If you want to get married, jump in!"

I sometimes make the same point by asking my clients: Would you trust your life to a pilot who never flew a plane before, never had any formal training in flying, and learned all about flying and weather conditions from his friends, some of whom are not around anymore since they crashed their planes? Well, why do you trust your marital happiness to someone with the same lack of training for marriage?

What Can You Do To Help Yourself?

To help yourself at this point, you can attend lectures and workshops with your spouse, read self-help articles and books, and discuss all of these learning experiences with each other. The self-help measures are all valuable, but especially so at the beginning of your relationship and are even more valuable before your problems take on a heavy dimension. Two of my favorite books for couples are written by the following psychologists who are in the vanguard of research on marriage: We Can Work it Out by Clifford Notarius, Ph.D. & Howard Markman, Ph.D., and Fighting For Your Marriage by Howard Markman, Ph.D., Scott Stanley, Ph.D., and Susan L. Blumberg, Ph.D. Self-help measures are best used for: a) marital preparation to forestall future problems, and b) marital enhancement to improve your ongoing relationship. However, they can also be used to work out problems that have not become too serious.

Your spouse married you hoping to increase his/her happiness, not his/her misery. Therefore, before you act or make any statement, especially in a sensitive area, you should ask yourself the question: "Will this act or statement increase my partner's happiness or misery? Will it make things better or worse?"

Interpersonal problems are complex and there is no one-solution-fits-all "ultimate wisdom" to the varied situations that couples experience. If the problem has reached a point where professional help is needed, the sooner you begin, the better. Most problems are solvable.

With goodwill, commitment to change, and energetic involvement by both parties, you and your spouse can learn to overcome your problems and lead a life of harmony and peacefulness. Aside from the normal periodic problems that assail every couple, why shouldn't the two of you be able to fulfill your dream of living together Happily Ever After?

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Love Conquers All?

by Reuben E. Gross, PhD, ABPP, LMFT

Plato once said that falling in love is a "grave mental disease." And yet, is there a person today who would marry without love? Think of the many times that you, or one of your friends, have rejected an otherwise ideal prospective mate with the heartbreaking words (or thoughts): "I think you are a wonderful person, even an exceptional one, I like spending time with you, I think you're interesting, fun, caring, and I really do like you very much, but I am so sorry… I am just not in love with you."

When one considers how often this situation repeats itself with virtually every marriage-minded single, one can easily realize that the frequency of this type of rejection is staggering. And painfully, the sword cuts both ways. Usually, when a seemingly good match fails to take place because it lacks the mystical quality of romantic love, both partners --not to mention concerned parents or friends-- end up hurting.

How Important is Romantic Love?

Although beautifully described in the Bible, particularly in Solomon's "Song of Songs," romantic love was not a common theme in Western literature until the 17th century English poets extolled their love in lilting rhymes and iambic pentameter. Consider Thomas Carew who wanted nothing of the calm state of a warm, caring relationship; he wanted either total love, or total rejection ("disdain" in old English):

A Case History

A married man once confided to me that in spite of all his marital problems, when he took his wife in his arms, he was as close to hearing heavenly music as anyone on earth had ever experienced; furthermore, he was talking about something much beyond sexual excitement. It was an all-powerful all-consuming state of utter bliss with deep feelings of connection, comfort, union and elation. Now, although this man had the good fortune to marry his childhood sweetheart, most people aren't so lucky. And wouldn't anyone give their right arm to have such a partner for marriage? Not if they knew all the facts of this particular case!

Unfortunately, notwithstanding all the background music of the celestial choir, these two childhood lovers, a few short years after their marriage and still very much in love, were unable to get along as married partners. They had furious fights, called each other the vilest of names, and were miserable in their marriage. So much so that they initiated intensive marriage counseling as a last-ditch attempt to save their very rocky marriage. Who would have foreseen this? What happened to their romantic love? Didn't it conquer all? Clearly, not. This truism is being recognized more and more by the romantic, yet ever more sophisticated singles, and marrieds of today who are correctly aware that it takes more than romance to sustain a relationship.

Now, it might be argued that the aforementioned childhood sweethearts were young, inexperienced, and immature when they fell in love and they knew so little about themselves, or life in general, when they became entranced with each other, hence, theirs was a blind love. But others, the argument goes, are older and wiser when they marry, even though it is still for love.

My reply: People of all ages, levels of experience, even those in previous long-term live-in relationships and the formerly-married still meet each other, fall in love, and get married….and often end up with severe problems and, too often, divorce. In fact the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than that for first marriages.

Case History II

The names and some facts were disguised to protect the privacy of this couple. Robert and Linda, both unhappy in their respective marriages, got to know each other because their professional lives overlapped. As time elapsed, they began to talk to each other more and more and developed a friendly relationship. After both were divorced, their relationship flourished into a full-fledged romance and continued for a few years during which time they planned for a life together and marriage. Both were very much in love and convinced that they had found their true partner for life.

Ten years and three children later, Linda, in tears, depressed, and demoralized was seeking a separation. They both agreed to seek the help of a marriage counselor. Linda complained that her husband was "not there for her" at sensitive moments such as the death of her mother, her recuperation after an auto accident and other events. Moreover, she saw Robert as selfish, said that he didn't respect her work or interests, didn't help with the children, and that the reason they got along until now was that she always let him have his way. Now Linda's frustration level had reached a breaking point, and she refused to live this way any longer.

Robert complained that his wife denigrated his job, that she controlled the money and didn't spend it wisely, that she refused him sex, interrupted him, was sarcastic, fell short on mothering, didn't support him on in-law problems, etc. He averred that she exaggerated his faults, that he was in truth a good husband, and that he still loved her. He further reported that whereas their communication had been "fantastic" when they first met, now it was "a shouting match."

In view of their previous marriages, experience in life, maturity in years, and original reciprocal love for each other, why was their marriage now on the rocks?

What Happens to the Romantic Love?

(1) In the best of cases, the love remains even after the romantic love is long gone and the fighting is unbearable. A wife might say, "I still love him and I think he thinks he loves me in his own way, but I am not in love with him anymore. Further, I have put up with too much in the past, and refuse to put up with anymore. He's too selfish, angry, abusive, controlling, insensitive to my feelings, unaffectionate, unromantic, and non-communicative" (the list goes on, you probably could add your own adjectives here). Husbands have complained that their wives are "too demanding, controlling, insecure, opinionated, belittling, disorganized, sexually disinterested" (the list goes on, you probably could add your own adjectives here).

Many of the above complaints are applicable to both sexes as are the following: lack of respect or appreciation, lack of trust, not placing partner first in list of priorities, not enjoying each other or doing things together, not standing up to his/her family, not carrying a fair share of the load, not supportive, not showing interest in me, not accepting me as I am, and many others.

(2) With regard to the love element, in second tiered cases, many wives have said to me, "I can't say that I still love him, but I do care for him, I don't wish him any harm, but there is so much hurt, bitterness and anger. I don't want to be married to him. I actually feel sorry for him. I don't think he can change; but even if he does, let him become a good husband for someone else, not me. I've had it."

What do all of these scenarios have in common? All of these marriages began in an initial blaze of romance and love. Over time, the romance evaporated, and the love faded. What little love or caring remained was not enough to sustain the relationship. Why not? Clearly, love is not enough.

Is There a Case for Love?

And now, let's open the subject for discussion. On the one hand, even if we accept that romantic love is not enough, can we accept that it is nevertheless a crucial ingredient for marital happiness? Or perhaps, it isn't. In fact, let's go further. Let's question whether romantic love is even a necessary ingredient for a sustained happy marital relationship. And what about the role of non-romantic love? What role do the different types of love play in the permanency of a marital relationship? What role has love played in your relationship? What role does it play today?

It would be valuable for you to discuss these questions with your partner and come up with your own formulations. Assuming that love (your definition of love) is an important ingredient in your relationship, what other crucial or necessary ingredients does your relationship require? Discussions of this nature will force you and your partner to explore your respective philosophies and clarify your needs and value system. Hopefully, self-discovery, and the sharing that will take place, will result in greater mutual understanding.

So, is there a case for love? I think so. But admittedly love does not conquer all; and by itself it is not enough to sustain a relationship. On the other hand, love can be a powerfully motivating force to initiate a committed relationship, and an incentive to do everything you can to explore it, remedy it, nurture it, and preserve it.

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The Hidden Agenda In Relationships

by Reuben E. Gross, PhD, ABPP, LMFT

All relationships have hidden agendas or unexpressed expectations. This axiom includes marital, familial, social, educational, business, political and virtually every other type of relationship. In a manual on marital therapy, Dr. Peter Martin presents a schematic model of the marriage contract. His analysis should be noted by married as well as non-married couples to help them understand the underlying nature of their relationships. Martin postulates three dimensions to the marital contract:

1. Conscious and Verbalized Expectations.

In this category, each partner tells the other, in advance, exactly what he/she expects in the marriage. Conscious and verbalized expectations may include such important items as living location, number of children, handling of finances, religious practices, domestic responsibilities of each spouse, obligations to in-laws, free time or style of life for each spouse as it will be affected by career, social, cultural or political interests. However, in some cases, some of the above are not discussed in advanced and may therefore fall into category 2 or even 3. All of the examples cited above and in the remainder of this article are my own and are based on my understanding of Dr. Martin's three categories.

2. Conscious But Not Verbalized Expectations.

In this area, we find numerous demands or requirements that the individuals did not mention to each other. Their failure to discuss their requirements may be due to their failure to realize that these needs or wishes should have been clarified in advance possibly because they were taken for granted by one or both of the parties. Examples of this category might include: I expect you to respect my opinion, be sensitive to my feelings, be there for me, and solve our problems lovingly with calm, rational discussions. Understandably, there is no perceived need to verbalize these take-for-granted expectations during the excitement of dating or the blissful romance of a courtship.

Sometimes, however, there is a deliberate failure to mention the expectation due to fear or embarrassment. In view of the changing style of marriage and newfound liberties among women, many might fear expressing their views to a prospective spouse whose traditional ideas may be incongruent with their ideas and therefore a reason for breaking off the relationship. A woman might truly believe that it is her future husband's responsibility to interrupt his education to put her through college, professional, or trade school rather than vice versa, but may not discuss her ideas with him instead , she goes along silently when he expresses his opposite expectations. Or, in the case of a two-career couple, a woman may fail to explore with her fiancé, in advance, her belief that it will be her right to stay late at the office, and that her future husband is the one who should leave his job early, or give up his special evening activity, come home right after work and take care of anticipated domestic chores.

In fact, in most young marriages today, the workload is divided very differently than it was in previous generations, and many of the above unexpressed expectations might even get a receptive hearing if discussed in advanced. But what about Conscious, But Not Verbalized Expectations that are unhealthy for relationships? What young woman will say to her fiancé: "If you expect to be #1 in my life, forget it. My mother (father, sister, best friend) will always come first!" One unhappy husband bitterly complained to me "My wife's priorities are as follows: the baby, her mother, her sister, her best friend, the dog, me."

Now, if we may change genders, how many young men are going to tell their fiancées "I expect you to play the traditional homemaking role of my mother even though you are working full time"? Or "I expect you to be available for me 24/7, but I want to hold onto my single friends and the style of life I've been leading all along, including the freedom to come and go as I please?" Or, " I expect you to love me, care for me, and treat me like a prince, but it doesn't matter how I treat you." Not that any man would risk verbalizing such expectations before marriage, but sadly, many married women complain that, when all is said and done, many of the above statements seem to reflect their husband's thinking.

Still other examples of Conscious But Not Verbalized Expectations may involve personality traits in one partner, for example, the need to control or dominate ("I want you to do everything I say. Is that expecting too much?"). At other times, selfishness is the problem. These traits may appear only dimly during courtship to the unsuspecting future spouse but emerge very clearly after marriage. In some cases, the victimized spouse will report that he/she was well aware of these negative traits—or selfish expectations—in their future partner, but closed her/his eyes hoping that the problem would work itself out after marriage.

As noted, many Conscious But Not Verbalized Expectations are normal and appropriate; others are not. Bringing them to the fore at the very beginning is the honest thing to do, and certainly the wisest, not only to create a healthy, long-term viable marriage now, but also to forestall unpleasant "surprises" later.

3. Needs or Wishes That Are Beyond Personal Awareness.

Not everybody who gets into a binding relationship is perfectly self-aware. Consequently, it may take a year or two and sometimes even five or ten years before an individual fully matures, develops his identity, and interacts with enough people, including one's spouse, to clearly perceive his/her emotional, psychological, social and other needs. As these needs emerge, new and surprising demands are made upon the unsuspecting partner. If this problem is left unaddressed, the couple may drift apart and eventually the relationship may dissolve. In a more insidious scenario, e.g., where one spouse lacks consideration for the other, the couple may find stability at a cost to the aggrieved party who suffers the insults or selfishness of his/her partner for years and years. However, the growing dissatisfaction of the aggrieved spouse eventually takes its toll, and one day, the stretched rubber band snaps, and the victimized partner asks for a divorce.

As life would have it in our society, people fall in love and get married in a blaze of romance and confidence. Unfortunately, not everyone knows who he/she is, or what he/she wants or needs in a relationship. People are even less aware of who they will be, or what they will want or need, five, ten or twenty years hence.

How Can These Problems Be Addressed?
Renegotiating A Relationship

The problem of Category Two, Unverbalized Expectations, can be mitigated through premarital workshops or private meetings with a marriage counselor. Short of these, other options would include courses in communication prior to marriage, or at any time afterwards, or at the very least reading articles and books on the essentials of communication. Following this, there should be a simple agreement to talk out in great detail each person's expectations in an atmosphere of mutual encouragement and frankness. If a special time is set aside for this on a regular, or at least on an ad hoc basis, a much better understanding of each other, and a better, richer, and stronger marital bond will ensue.

Unfortunately, Category Three, Lack of Self-Awareness, is more problematical. However, this potential source of problems can also be reduced. How? Premarital singles should be encouraged to learn more about themselves through a variety of educational and growth experiences. They should not shy away from frank discussions with close friends of both sexes, family members or with their partner. They might join groups that are led by psychologists, marriage counselors, or other facilitators with a view towards self-exploration and self-awareness. Reading articles, books, attending lectures, and plays, followed by discussions, and taking self-administered questionnaires are other avenues that lead to self-exploration and self-discovery.

The Need for Continuous Self-Revelation and Mutual Accommodation

For committed or married couples, constant discussion and mutual exploration of needs and frustrations is recommended. The marital contract must be renewed and renegotiated on a regular basis. It is wishful thinking to assume that an agreement contracted 20, 10 or even 5-years ago still holds, especially with such a vague contract as "to love and respect."

Even people who love each other, and have the best of intentions when they marry, do not always know how to translate that love into behavior since each person's needs for love, affection, and need-satisfaction in multiple areas is complex and differs from person to person. Consequently, each partner in a couple must frequently give feedback and clarify what he/she is looking for from their spouse…especially as they change over the years, and as family conditions change.

Hidden agendas do not remain dormant; they eventually emerge; and when they do, they cause surprises, and often problems, but they do not need to destroy a relationship. When they are addressed directly, reciprocal accommodation can take place. As long as there is mutual care and concern, loving members of a couple will find a way to freely express their needs to each other and make reasonable attempts to fulfill them. In most cases their efforts will be amply rewarded.

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