Hope For Troubled Marriages:

A More Elaborate Description of

Dr. Gross' Marriage/Couple Counseling Program

by Reuben E. Gross, PhD, ABPP, LMFT

 

This article offers a glimpse into my philosophy and approach to marriage counseling. It is an amplification of a briefer description "Marriage & Couple/ Relationship Counseling" (click here)

"Hope For Troubled Marriages" is a general introduction to my work with couples and does not discuss my individualized treatment programs for certain communication problems, infidelity, anger management or other specific problems.

Note: When referring to a person I interchange "he, she, he/she," with the understanding that all points made in the article are relevant to both genders. Similarly, the word "partners" and "spouses" will be used interchangeably since so many people today live with each other before marriage and have relationship problems similar to those of their married counterparts.

Table of Contents

Please Note: You need not read the following chapters in the order presented.
You may go directly to any of these subjects by clicking on it.

I.	Overview
II.	Why Do Individuals Initiate Marriage/Couple Counseling?
III.	Couples Differ From Each Other
IV.	Beginning The Process of Marriage Counseling
V.	Grading Each Person's Happiness in the Relationship
VI.	Different Levels of Discouragement/Motivation to Maintain the Relationship
VII.	How Does Counseling Help?
VIII.	Spouses Look Into the Mirror
IX.	Separation Does Not Always Mean the End of The Relationship
X.	Hope For The Future

I. Overview

"Hope For Troubled Marriages" touches upon some of the techniques that I employ in working with couples. This article is limited in scope since it can hardly begin to describe the twists, turns and complexity of the marriage counseling process. Furthermore, the needs of each couple vary, and my attention to this results in variations on the themes recorded here. The paragraphs below are merely designed to give the reader an introduction to my approach to marriage counseling. One of my goals with this description is to remove the mystery and consequent anxieties that surround this subject. These anxieties often result in delays of many months and even many years before a couple will take advantage of the professional help that is available for their marital/relationship difficulties. I also wish to offer hope to those couples weighed down by their problems with each other.

The interactions that take place between me and the couple during counseling sessions reflect an amalgamation of theories and procedures that I have learned from others, and techniques that I have developed on my own in the course of seeing more than two thousand couples over the past 35 years. My approach is active, direct, action- and results-oriented, flexibly responsive to the specific needs of each couple, and reflects my varied training and very broad experience. For more information on this subject please click on these titles for "Dr. Gross" "Theoretical Orientation," and "Credentials."

In the last analysis, marriage counseling is an interweaving of art and science. For this reason, no two counselors work exactly the same way. In addition to the techniques and approach described here, the reader will get a feel of what else might take place with a specific couple by reading the following two articles in which I cite case histories to illustrate certain points: " The A-B-C's of Communication" and "Thirteen Reasons Why Spouses Fail to Communicate."

Marriage Counseling As a Learning Experience

As I observe the dynamics of my work with couples, I believe that a couple who participates in the marriage/relationship counseling process with me has the experience of an individual enrolled in a private learning program personalized to help him achieve his goal of lasting happiness in his marriage. The program includes two sub-goals, viz. how to bring out the best in your spouse, and how to be a better spouse yourself.

This is a structured program consisting of:

o   A private learning experience, tailored to the specific needs of each couple in a warm, friendly, safe and supportive atmosphere

o   The guidance of a personal mentor who directs, encourages and guides each of you in this experience

o   Within-the-session learning (theory of what makes a good marriage)

o   Hands-on experience (spouses practice what they learn about communicating, problem solving, and emotional bonding), both during the counseling session, and between sessions (at-home assignments)

o   Each session has a specific goal and may include handouts or exploration of answers given in response to the initial questionnaire that I send you before the first session or follow-up probing written instruments.

This article also enumerates some of my theories about the necessary ingredients for a happy couple relationship. It describes my ongoing efforts to promote with both spouses a process of self discovery and self revelation so that each person may gain a better understanding of himself and his partner, as well as insight into the psychodynamics of their interaction. The article describes some of the techniques that I demonstrate (and have the couple practice during the counseling session) which will help them solve the problems that brought them to therapy. As a follow-up to our sessions together, I give at-home assignments to each couple when spending a minimum of quiet time with each other nightly, having a weekly "business meeting" and reading articles or even books. Each couple decides how much homework they wish to do or have time to do.

The Goal of the Marriage Counselor

The ultimate goal of the marriage counselor is to give you the tools to solve with each other as many as possible of the issues that are eating away at your happiness. Now, even if a problem cannot be totally solved, with a new perspective, the comparative magnitude of the problem can usually be lessened, and the negative emotions attached to the arguments/fights can usually be eliminated or greatly reduced. Although the reader is welcome to employ the ideas and exercises presented here to his/her benefit, this article was designed as an overview of my approach to marriage counseling rather than as a self-help article. Many of the techniques described here work much better when they are explained and acted upon under the guidance of the counselor with a discussion centering on how these techniques might best be adapted --and implemented, to serve the specific needs of each couple.

II. Why Do Individuals Initiate Marriage Counseling?

An open minded couple will come for professional help because they are unhappy in their relationship and want to do something about it. In another article, I elaborate the point that society fails to prepare any of us for marriage; so why are we so surprised that so many of us are disappointed with our partners, unhappy in our marriage, and even reach the depths of hopelessness and failure (divorce)?

The level of unhappiness varies among couples and sometimes within the couple. People come because they have not achieved much success in their previous efforts to solve a particular problem, but more frequently, to address any number of problems to improve their relationship. Persons who come for professional help, realize that they have exhausted their own efforts at remediation, and see little light at the end of the tunnel. In a moderate situation, they see themselves stuck in a less than happy situation; in a worst case scenario they are rapidly losing patience and hope. Although there is no guarantee that counseling will help, they see no better alternative and are willing to give professional help a try. They are making the right decision. Studies show that most couples report very positive results from their counseling experience.

III. Couples Differ From Each Other

In view of the fact that no two individuals are the same (we each have one hundred billion neurons in our brain, containing very different experiences, memories, attachments, habits, philosophies, etc.) it is axiomatic that no two persons (or couples) who come for counseling are the same in terms of their problems, their interpersonal skills, specific subgoals, nor in many other dimensions that come to the fore during the counseling process. These differences include the nature of the relationship difficulties, the chronicity and severity of the problems, the duration and depth of each person's unhappiness, the willingness of each person to admit to his contributions to the situation, his willingness to commit to the process of counseling, and his staying power. Other differences between individuals, and therefore within couples, include: emotional sensitivity, capacity to see the situation from spouse's point of view, intensity of disrupting emotions (e.g., anger), flexibility of each partner (ability to learn new ways of relating and changing old ways), and a desire to enhance the partner's welfare and happiness.

The Male/Female Dimension

Differences between males and females have been described by John Grey, PhD, a psychologist with many years of experience working with couples in his best-seller "Men Are From Mars: Women Are From Venus." The most up-to-date research on the brain has demonstrated notable differences in brain structure between men and women. Additionally, differences between the sexes are noticed in areas of the brain that are activated by men and women even when performing the same task. These differences are often manifested in different emotional responses and behaviors to real life situations. These differences should be understood by both partners and tolerance as well as accommodation should be made accordingly.

What Are the Necessary Ingredients to Improve the Relationship?

Although the strength of each person's love for each other and their commitment to the relationship are extremely important, love or commitment alone will not solve the problem(s). Virtually all people who marry in this country marry for love; sadly, love alone does not stem the epidemic of marital breakups. In order for marriage or premarital counseling to work, all of the factors listed in the previous paragraphs play a role. Above all, it is crucial that there be a total commitment to the counseling process and a sincere desire to resolve the problems to the satisfaction of both parties.

With patience and perseverance, a focus on reality, and a sense of fairness and kindness, virtually all interpersonal impediments to happiness can be removed --or reduced greatly, with a resulting sense of peace, comfort, contentment, happiness and enjoyment of each other's company. Reviewing the first session in your mind, and applying the lesson of the handout(s) that I will give you initiates this process with the first session.

IV. The Process of Marriage Counseling: In The Beginning

1. The First Step Takes Place in the Home

When a couple makes their first appointment, I send each person ten pages of questionnaires via email. Completing the questionnaire provides each person with an opportunity to organize and put his/her thoughts about the relationship onto paper. The questionnaires are filled out at home and brought by the couple to the first session. Some of the questions are specific, e.g., how often do you fight? are critical of each other? feel misunderstood? feel alone in the relationship; who avoids who, which partner runs out during an argument etc..

The next group of questions are open-ended. For example, on the "Wish List" each person is encouraged to express his specific wishes regarding his partner. Spouses are asked to make as long a list as they desire of hoped-for behaviors from their partner, such as, more attention, understanding, respect, support, affection, sex, etc. In another exercise, each person is asked to list those negative behaviors of his partner that that he could do without because they annoy, anger or hurt him, e.g., yell, criticize, minimize or ignore partner's feelings or opinions, reject sexually etc. Other questions follow.

By the time the couple comes to their first appointment, they have clarified a good part of their thinking and have already established some of their agenda and goals in counseling. I have found the use of advance questionnaires time-effective as well as cost effective. This approach is especially efficient for persons who might be intimidated or nervous in the presence of a marriage counselor. But the approach has universal value since the couple is freed from the task of digging into their psyche on the spot and coming up with a litany of complaints or an analysis of their situation the moment they walk into my office.

During the initial interview and at every successive meeting, both persons are always free to add to their original agenda. Spouses are encouraged to redefine the problems originally cited. Or, if they wish, explore problems not previously mentioned, because they did not comfortably fall into the categories or formulations offered in the questionnaires, or not delineated during the initial phase of counseling for any other reasons.

 

2. At the Initial Interview Spouses Enumerate Sources of Dissatisfaction

Partners Listen Carefully to Each Other's Complaints

It is customary in the initial phase of marital counseling for both spouses to express their unhappiness in the relationship and to elaborate on this theme with a list of complaints about their partner. In some situations both partners are fairly equally unhappy in the marriage and similarly accusatory of their spouse's shortcomings. At other times, one person is more unhappy or accusatory than the other. The questionnaires that are filled out prior to the initial meeting give each person an opportunity to air their complaints, and in the process, give their partner the keys (roadmap) to the solution.

In session, we read aloud, in a quiet peaceful manner, the sources of each person's unhappiness, and their detailed expression of needs and wishes that they would like their partner to satisfy. During the airing of each person's complaints or "Wish List" the counselor will not allow yelling, insulting, changing the topic, counter accusing or any of the behaviors that the couple might be exercising at home. Nor will the counselor permit interrupting. When one person is talking, the listener might be provided with a notepad so that he will better remember what his spouse is saying. If he puts comments on paper he will be in a better position to respond appropriately. Neither partner is allowed to hog the conversation. If "fighting" is one of the complaints The Nineteen Rules of Good Communication are introduced and put into effect at the very first session. (For more information on this click here for "How to Argue Constructively Without Fighting."

Developing Insight and Willingness to Accommodate Spouse

After the initial exchanges, we draw upon some of the points raised in the session in addition to the statements made in the documents filled out at home. We discuss in detail how far each person is willing to comply with their spouse's reasonable requests and needs. We explore internal as well as external barriers or impediments to total cooperation. We inquire into the psychological forces motivating each person, as well as the psychodynamics at play in the relationship. We help each person understand his own motivations and needs and how they affect his attitudes and behavior. We also explore how these needs and behaviors interact with his partner's needs, wishes and behaviors. All marriages are dynamic. In the counseling process, partners become acutely aware of the healthy as well as unhealthy interplay and reciprocity of their relationship, and are helped to increase their healthy, positive, mutually supportive and loving behaviors.

V. Grading Each Person's Happiness in the Relationship

In order for me to gauge the level of unhappiness, including hurt, pain, loneliness, anger or other emotional distress and/or the severity of the problem as experienced by each individual, at the initial or second interview, I will ask each person to independently grade their happiness in the relationship along the following lines:

(There are many variations on the discussion that might ensue during this exercise; consequently, the reader is asked to understand that the description that follows only gives an approximation of what this grading experience is all about).

A grade of "F" is given by individuals who are separated or close to separation. This grade is given by a person whose assessment of his situation is this marriage/relationship does not meet my minimal requirements and/or is too painful for me to continue in it. I would like to see the relationship change. I have (a greater or lesser amount of) hope that it will, and that's why I came for counseling. But if it doesn't improve, I will "walk."

People in this category have contemplated divorce, have threatened it, or have already sought legal advice. In my explanation of the grading system, I ask the couple to compare the "F" grade to a situation with a teacher and a failing student. She'll do what she can to bring up his grade. However, unless the child reaches a minimal level of competence, she has no choice but to fail him. Sometimes, I compare an "F" level of happiness in the marriage to a guy holding onto a cliff by his finger tips. He cannot continue for very long. If he doesn't get immediate help, he'll fall off.

A grade of "D" reflects a marriage/relationship wherein the individuals think about separation or even threaten it in the middle of a fight. Although no one is "walking" just yet, there is a great deal of unhappiness, often anger, hurt and pain. In theory, the situation can improve without outside intervention, but in practice, the probability of success is low. The fact is that in spite of the efforts of (one or) both parties, or perhaps in view of the lack of efforts of (one or) both parties, the situation has not improved. The fear is that the marriage will deteriorate if the problems are not addressed, or at best, the relationship will stay at the same low level it is now. Neither of these possibilities is acceptable and therefore the couple comes for counseling.

A "D" relationship is sluggishly moving along, not getting where it should be "on time," if at all. Yes, there are satisfactions, but they are minimal: a bone here and a bone there. Although the couple may be holding on (because of internal or external restraints as noted below), it is clear that the individuals are not happy. A couple or person who grades his relationship "D" is not quite ready to break up. However, if the situation deteriorates, or even if it just stays at this low level, and the external or internal constraints let up, even slightly, that person might just come to the conclusion that life is too short to live this way. Such an individual might be willing to take their chances on splitting up and trying another route whether or not they find another partner.

A grade of "C" is given by a person who considers his marriage "fair." In some areas, it may be "B" or better but in other areas it may be "D" or worse. The relationship is "nothing to write home to momma about" but there are enough satisfactions to make the relationship viable and the individual is not threatening, much less contemplating, to leave. In fact, in one or two areas a person might even grade the marriage "B+" or higher. Couples who come in with an agreed upon average of "C" are not in pain but because of certain problems, they are not as happy as they believe they could be. In spite of their problems, they have a positive attitude towards the marriage, are hopeful about their future together, and throw themselves into the counseling process with more enthusiasm and optimism than the "D" or "F" people who are in pain and suffering, and frequently discouraged or at least exhausted.

A grade of "B" is given by a person who believes his marriage is good and who is generally happy. Understandably, there are frustrations from time to time, and the marriage might not merit a "B" across the board, but overall the individual is satisfied. If so, what is he doing in my office? Simple. His partner is unhappy (may give a "C" or even worse). But he, too, has something to gain since a B+ or higher may be within reach. Sometimes, both individuals grade the marriage "B", i.e., good, but have problems in one or more specific areas and need help in resolving them.

A grade of "B+" is given by someone who is very happy. What is he doing in my office? Strange as it may seem, I have had couples wherein usually the man (but the genders can be reversed) was quite, or even perfectly happy, but his wife was nowhere in the same league. Clearly, she was satisfying his needs in the marriage, but he was not satisfying her needs. His wife might grade her happiness as "C","D" or worse. The husband comes for counseling because his wife insists on it, and she may have even moved out of the bedroom or threatened separation to get him "to see the light." Or vice versa with regard to who is more unhappy,

Happiness is Catching; So is Misery

For the most part, however, partners are generally at the same grade of happiness with a plus or minus difference, or else one full grade apart. As time elapses in the relationship, the grades come closer and closer. This is so because if one person is unhappy, that person will eventually express it by complaining, attacking or withdrawing. Partners are like Siamese twins who share the same circulatory system. Their blood flows into each other. So it is with the happiness-unhappiness continuum as regards two people who live with each other. Eventually, they will both be experiencing the same level of happiness, discontent, alienation or misery.

May I add here the comment of one wife who agreed with my point about each person's feelings affecting the other person's feelings, but did not think the analogy fit her situation. She said "I don't experience the connectivity implicit in the Siamese twin analogy." I am indebted to her for her analogy: We're like two people in a rowboat. It doesn't matter under whose seat there is a hole. If we don't plug up the hole, we'll both go down.

VI. Different Levels of Discouragement/Motivation to Maintain the Relationship

A. Both Persons Are Highly Motivated to Maintain the Relationship

In this category, the two individuals that come for counseling, be they married, living together, or just dating in an exclusive relationship, affirm their love for each other at the very first session and express their absolute intent of staying together. Both individuals are highly motivated for therapy. They come for couple counseling because they do not know how to translate their love into a comfortable, relaxed relationship. Their motivation to find happiness with each other is high, but their ability to interact successfully is low.

In some cases, in spite of a strong mutual attraction and love, the individuals experience frequent disagreement, criticism and fighting. Their negative interactions eat away at the relationship and they see no end to their predicament. They are convinced that that they can --and should-- be happy with each other, but achieving this goal eludes them. There are many reasons why spouses fight. Sometimes they fight because of chronic frustration at not having a number of their reasonable needs and expectations met by their partner. At other times they fight because of a specific problem e.g. jealousy, control, or over-attachment to a hobby, work, etc. Sometimes one, or both members are too much under the influence of a third party e.g., one's mother, or other member of spouse's family of origin, or friends. In still other cases, the problem expresses itself is a variety of situations but the underlying dynamic may be immaturity, inability to communicate effectively, inability to share, be close, develop and maintain intimacy, etc.

In other cases two spouses have led peaceful, parallel, but separate lives (no fighting or bickering), and have drifted apart over the years. These spouses do not share too much with each other and their sex life may have diminished. Eventually, one or both may begin to feel alone in the marriage. The analogy that I like is that of two horses working very hard as they are hitched together and pulling a wide plough (the family). Each horse is laboring to do its share, but has blinders on its eyes and is looking ahead. It does not look to the side and relate to its companion. Couples in this situation know that although each person is doing his best to keep the family going, and the work is being done, something very important is missing in their personal relationship; they wonder where the marriage is heading. Perhaps the couple has been jolted by an innocent flirtation or even an act of infidelity by one of the partners. At this juncture, the couple realizes that they have reached a crisis in their relationship and wisely seek marriage counseling.

B. One Person is Highly Motivated. The Other Is Discouraged and Poorly Motivated to Maintain the Relationship

As noted earlier, not all persons who come for counseling share with their partner the same level of unhappiness nor the same interest in keeping the relationship going. Some couples come for counseling because one person is very interested in maintaining the relationship, yet, the other person is not. In such a case, the disillusioned partner might say that she has "suffered too much" and has exhausted her energies in trying to get her partner to change. Although the disillusioned person (the "F") may have even given up hope, she agreed to marriage counseling as a favor to her spouse because her husband sees the marriage as a "B" or "C," or even "D," but does not wish to see the dissolution of the marriage. Thus, even if one partner is so discouraged that she doubts the prospects for happiness and stability, and is barely holding onto the relationship, the other partner might strongly wish to repair and solidify the relationship and be willing to do virtually anything to please his partner and save the marriage. Of course, in this and other examples that I give, the genders may be reversed. In my experience, dissimilarity in goals, or a disparity in the partners willingness to work at the problems occurs with both married and unmarried couples.

Understandably, when one person lacks enthusiasm, the other must do his best to instill confidence in the heart of the disillusioned partner and work twice as hard to get the relationship back on track. My favorite analogy for this situation is that of two people in a canoe on a large lake quite a distance from the shore. The sky clouds up, a wind is blowing waves on the lake, and it is clear that a storm is brewing. If they don't get back to shore quickly, the canoe might be swamped and they can be thrown into the water. It is imperative that both paddle as efficiently as possible. Now, suppose one person paddles incorrectly, half-heartedly, or for whatever reason stops paddling (is exhausted, handicapped, doesn't understand the severity of the problem, believes that they'll never make it anyhow, etc.), what should the other person do? I would say: address the situation calmly and supportively and do his best to get as much cooperation as possible. Following this, he should paddle twice as hard.

Now, to change the metaphor, in cases where the marriage is hanging by a thread, if the motivated partner commits himself to making it work and changes his behavior sufficiently so that positive changes take place, there is a chance that a healing process will take place, negative feelings on the part of the disillusioned partner will gradually weaken, and positive feelings will emerge.

When this happens, the negative interactions and despair are gradually replaced by caring behaviors and hope. The pleasant interactions and positive experiences that the individuals share gradually accumulate. New memories emerge which help the individuals recall the wonderful times that they had at the beginning of their relationship. The negative feelings that brought them to counseling begin to fade and are slowly overridden by the ever increasing number of pleasant experiences and happier feelings. The individuals go out on more "dates" spend more quality time with each other at home, are more affectionate, improve their sex life and find that they enjoy each other's company more and more.

The couple will also behave with more respect, care and consideration for each other and slowly find peace and contentment in their bond. With the help of marriage counseling, distressed couples will generally come away with better understanding of themselves and their spouse, and a more enjoyable, mature, understanding, happier, and stronger relationship than they ever had in the past.

 

C. Both Parties Are Discouraged but Are Nevertheless Motivated to Stay With Each Other

1) Marriages That Are Held Together by External Constraints to Separation

In some situations, the "in love" feeling that each person had for each other when they first met may have dwindled greatly, remains only as a spark or perhaps only as a memory. However, even if they are both hurt, disappointed, alienated or angry, they do not necessarily hate each other. The problem is that the disappointment, hurt and/or alienation have grown to such a point that both individuals are utterly discouraged. In such a case, the relationship has deteriorated so much over the years that both persons are now ready to throw in the towel. Many of these couples are so frustrated in their attempts at resolution and exhausted from futile fighting that they would split up if not for children, financial, familial, cultural, religious or other external constraints. For these reasons, they will not go to a divorce attorney unless they have exhausted every possible approach to remedy their deteriorated situation.

When a couple does not see divorce as a viable alternative, and see no success in their own efforts at remediation, they seek the help of a marriage counselor. These couples are determined to pull themselves out of their morass and since they are so unhappy they cling to the hope that there is only one way they can go: up. And many of them do go up when they throw themselves into the therapeutic process and stick with it.

 

2) Marriages That Are Held Together by Internal Constraints to Separation

In some instances, there are no external constraints to separation; the couple is free to pick up and go. but there are internal constraints. What are these internal constraints? People are reluctant to pull up stakes and walk away for a variety of reasons. Some fear the personal stigma of failure. Others wish to avoid a probable loss of self esteem and self blame, especially if this is their second or third serious attempt at marriage or living together. Others, male and female, not wishing to be alone, realize that to find another partner, they would have to return to square one of the dreaded singles scene.

Sometimes the internal constraint has to do with biology and time, viz., in the case of a female who wants to have children and is concerned that her biological clock is ticking away. Such a person might conclude that she doesn't have the time, nor the patience to start all over again with another man' nor is there any assurance that she'll be more successful with her next partner. Some of the individuals who are determined to strive hard to preserve their relationship believe that there is "nothing better out there anyway" [this may or not be true], since "nobody is perfect and all men and women have one problem or another" [this is certainly true].

Many other committed strivers for the success of their marriage/ relationship are fighters by nature and don't give up easily. For them, just because something is not working is not an excuse to walk away. These individuals are confident in their ability to solve problems, and hate to see their dreams for happiness go up in smoke; this attitude is especially compelling to a person who has invested many years into a relationship. These persons see divorce as a copout and they will not give up without a fight.

In still other situations, no matter how unhappy they are and no matter how poorly they treat each other, both spouses forcefully affirm that they love each other. Sadly, they are stuck in a neurotic struggle that they cannot control and want to be liberated from their neurotic bondage. Having married for love with the intention of building a happy family, these people have absolutely no thought of splitting up and will not abandon their goal without giving it everything they have.

 

VII. How Does Counseling Help?

A good portion of couples who come for help complain of frequent fights. Not only does rational discussion go to the winds and problems can't be solved that way, but the activity of yelling, accusing, insulting, etc that accompany these fights poison the atmosphere and make cooperation and accommodation less likely. Counseling opens both partner's eyes to the significance and reciprocal nature of their own and their partner's behaviors and attitudes, and gives them new perspectives on cause and effect in their relationship. By understanding the psychodynamics of their interactions, the couple learns how their neglectful/avoidance or negative/hurtful behaviors make matters worse and contribute to a vicious cycle.

In such cases the marriage counselor encourages each person to stop adding fuel to the flame (if fighting, neglect or passive-aggressive behavior is one of their complaints). The point is made that 2 wrongs don't make 1 right, and that reacting to a provocation with a provocation only makes things worse.

When a spouse tells me that he/she only yells angrily when he/she is provoked, I reply: I believe you. In my years of practice, I have never met someone who gets up in the morning, looks at his watch and wonders "When shall I start yelling at my wife." People react angrily to a provocation (or an imagined provocation). But just because your spouse tripped up (and violated the other's dignity or rights in the argument) doesn't mean that you should do the same thing and only make matters worse.

In my practice, one of the first things I introduce to the couple is a list of 19 rules of good communication. For example. Rule #1 forbids verbal (insults, name calling) or non-verbal (making a face, rolling eyes) put-downs. The desired behavior is to show respect at all times. Another no-no is interrupting. A third no-no is failure to give your spouse your undivided attention when listening. A fourth no-no is raising voice angrily etc. My next step is to get the couple to agree to the wisdom of the nineteen rules and promise to do their best not to violate them. Couples that adhere to these rules are amazed at how quickly they change the atmosphere in their household. My next approach in marriage counseling is to teach the couple problem-solving. They learn how to complain, disagree, solve complex and sensitive situations respectfully and constructively. These new skills open channels of communication that the couple has never used before.

One result of this openness and mutual exchange is that each person clarifies for himself, and expresses to his partner, his unmet underlying emotional needs as a factor in his unhappiness.

The counselor then encourages each person to fulfill his/her role in the relationship by adhering to these minimal basics:

• Giving his spouse priority in his life,
  
  
• Show constant respect for partner's feelings, opinions and personhood,
  
  
• Actively display unstinting love, care and concern for partner's needs for acceptance, support, affection and sex,
  
  
• Frequent expression of recognition, appreciation, thanks,and praise for partner's personal qualities, his/her contributions to the enhancement of the relationship,extended family and social life, financial support, care for the children, management of the household, etc.,
  
  
• Spend more private time with each other for more communication, mutual sharing and understanding,bonding experiences, and pleasurable activities.
  
  
• Protect the relationship from interfering outside forces
  
  
• The exercise of the above-mentioned caring and constructive behaviors will initiate and promote a benign cycle that will continually improve and solidify the relationship.

It is crucial that both spouses understand the ongoing importance of:

Opening the channels of respectful communication to include sharing thoughts and feelings, and frequent fine-tuning of the relationship

I reinforce these concepts by introducing specific interactive behaviors that many couples have barely considered in the past, much less put into practice. These might include keeping a brief diary of positive and well as negative behaviors by each spouse, daily quality-time meetings with each other to discuss the day and the relationship, a "business meeting" once a week, etc. My approach is to assign at-home exercises to the individuals which require the use of these newly learned problem-solving, empathic, caring and bonding behaviors. The sooner the couple puts these principles into practice, the sooner the old feelings of love and closeness are awakened and the sooner the relationship is back on track.

VIII. Spouses Look Into the Mirror

Drawing Upon Hope and Facing the Problem(s) Squarely in The Face

When individuals come for therapy determined to save their relationship, sooner or later, they will be asked by the counselor to look into their own souls. They will be encouraged to put their own cards on the table face up, admit to their "weak cards" (faults, inadequacies, weaknesses, shortcomings) as well as their "strong cards." They will then be asked to carefully look at their partner's "handa" too, and with an open mind negotiate a new relationship based upon fairness, kindness and sensitive understanding.

As the marriage counseling process unfolds we ask each person to look into the mirror. One of the exercises he/she will be asked to do involves making as long a list as he/she can of his/her own behaviors in response to the statement "Deep in my heart I know that I would be a better spouse if I would do the following for my spouse" (list all the positive behaviors that would please your partner). The next exercise continues the self searching as follows: "Deep in my heart I know that I would be a better spouse if I would not" (list all of your behaviors that annoy or antagonize your partner).

At this point in the therapeutic process, each person's original focus on his spouse's unreasonable behaviors is now counterbalanced with an inquiry into the complainer's antecedent (provocative) behaviors as well as the complaining spouse's failure to demonstrate certain positive behaviors. Essentially, we are asking each person to look into himself for "sins" of omission or commission. At this point we also examine the appropriateness or effectiveness of the complainer's usual responses to his spouse's provocations. Does he know how to defuse a provocative statement or behavior, either by a. "blowing the whistle" on the other person, and/or b. directly addressing the legitimate part of the upset spouse's complaint and ignoring for the moment the provocative manner? Or does he add fuel to the flame by responding to negative/provocative behaviors in kind? Do 2 wrongs make 1 right? For information on "blowing the whistle" to stop a fight cold, click here for "How to Argue Constructively Without Fighting."

Eventually, both partners understand that putting their marriage back on track will take a lot of soul-searching, hard work and compromising. They are well aware that there is no magic bullet and no magic wand, and that changes will not take place overnight; but as they witness the positive changes that do take place, they begin to realize that it is well within their reach to establish a much happier relationship with each other.

IX. Separation Does Not Always Mean the End of the Relationship

I also work with couples who are separated. Are there any advantages to separation? Often, separation serves as an advantage to the process of reconciliation. Distance usually gives a person a different perspective. The problems may seem more bearable and even solvable. The attractions of the marriage may appear stronger and take on greater importance. With a new perspective, both parties might show a greater acceptance of their spouse's demands and lower their own expectations and demands. They may also take a more realistic view of their own shortcomings and faults. If so, they will look at the process of compromise in a new light. A higher level of motivation results in greater effort on the part of each individual to develop a lasting relationship that is based on a realistic understanding of their partner's agenda, even if it differs from what they originally thought it was, and even if their partner has changed his agenda as he matured and the marriage progressed. Click here for my article on "The Hidden Agenda in Relationships."

In such cases, as the couple begins to reconcile, the anger that they had for each other and the despair that they had for the relationship when they first separated slowly abates. The original attraction begins to reassert itself and the partners begin speaking to and seeing each other-- more frequently, going out, and spending more nights together. Both individuals now miss, more and more, the togetherness that they once had. They express their sorrow at being apart and begin to explore the possibility of living together again. Children, family encouragement, finances, and other reasons may also contribute to the goal of reuniting. But before changing their living arrangement, the separated individuals would be wise to resolve the issues that split them up in the first place. Getting together prematurely could backfire. It is better to reunite slowly and gradually.

X. Hope For The Future

There Is No Magic Bullet & No Magic Wand

Couples differ from each other in the nature, severity and chronicity of their problems, their psychological insight, capacity to change, sense of fairness and above all: their love for each other, their commitment to the relationship and their willingness to invest time and effort into the therapeutic process.

Unhappy couples should understand that there is no magic bullet, and no magic wand. But with the encouraging guidance of an experienced professional, and with hard work and sincerity on their part, each person can put the following behaviors into motion:

• Stop the vicious cycle of negative interactions and pull themselves and their spouse out of their morass,

• Increase communication to include sharing of experiences, feelings, hopes plans, successes and disappointments,

• Express complaints, views and wants, honestly but diplomatically so as to acquire accommodation from their spouse rather than resentment and controversy,

• Show care of partner rather than selfishness and indifference or animosity to partner's needs,

• Get to see the other person's point of view and move into gear to satisfy spouse's reasonable and appropriate wishes and desires.

• Start enjoying themselves with as many shared activities that both partners like, maintain emotional bonding and affection, and the blessings of great sex will come naturally.

• Initiate and promote a self-maintaining benign cycle in the relationship by displaying all of the behaviors enumerated above

Slowly, like a person going up a ladder one rung at a time, the relationship will improve. Spouses will stop looking for excuses to avoid each other, and will not dread coming home after work. In fact, spouses will look forward to seeing each other and interacting, as they continue to build a healthier and happier relationship.

Summary & Conclusion

The name of the game is perseverance and hard work. With good will and sustained effort, most problems can be solved and the relationship can be restored to the full satisfaction of both partners. Individuals can learn how to bring out the best in themselves and in their partners. When happy interactions are initiated, they are self reinforcing and a benign cycle replaces the vicious cycle that brought the couple into counseling. A successful marital counseling experience is eye-opening for both individuals. The experience with the counselor can bring the couple into a more mature, joyful, happier, richer, wiser and fulfilling relationship than they had ever experienced before, even better than when they first met.

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