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Marriage & Couple/ Relationship Counseling
I. Overview of the Marriage
and Couple/Relationship Counseling Process
II. Goals and Procedures in
Counseling
III. Why Isn't Love Enough?
IV. Hope for Troubled Marriages
Please
note: The problems discussed in the articles below were chosen because they are so frequently experienced by couples. Readers of this website often call saying, "We read some of your articles and we felt that you were talking about us." In fact, all of the case histories described here are disguised and any resemblance between the vignettes and the reader's situation merely reflects the universality of these problematic spousal/partner interactions.
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I. OVERVIEW OF THE
MARRIAGE AND COUPLE/RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING PROCESS
A. Your First Call
Since I am not part of a hospital or psychological clinic, but rather a psychologist/marriage
counselor in private practice, when you call my office, you speak directly to
me. I'll be happy to spend time with you, at no charge, sympathetically exploring
your reasons for inquiring about marriage or couple counseling. If you wish we can arrange
an appointment at that time, or if you prefer, you can talk it over with your
spouse and call me back. If your spouse/partner is unwilling to come, it may be even more important for you to come and start the process. When we meet, I can help you make certain changes to alleviate the situation, convince your spouse/partner to join you in the process of fighting for the success of your relationship, and help you explore options that you may not have considered.
B. Counseling Begins with the Initial Consultation
Prior to my meeting with a couple, I send a questionnaire as an email attachment which is to be printed in duplicate by the couple and filled out privately by each of you. The questionnaire asks about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, your level of satisfaction in different areas, the adequacy of your communication, and your wishes for change. This time- and cost-effective exercise affords both of you an opportunity to organize your thinking so as to make maximum use of the time spent with me at our first meeting. You bring your written responses to the initial session; this gives us a jump-start in the counseling process and helps in the development of our agenda for this and future meetings.
Counseling, which includes feedback from the counselor, specific suggestions for the couple, and guidance begins with the very first meeting. Understandably, long term solutions can only be reached after a thorough exploration of the complaints, problems and emotional reactions each partner's experiences, getting each person to see their partner's point of view, getting each person to understand their own shortcomings or failures in the interaction, and a recognition by both parties how negative emotions and negative interactions aggravate the situation. After meeting both of you, as a couple, once or twice, I often schedule an individual meeting with each of you. This affords each individual the opportunity to elaborate on his/her replies to the questionnaire, explain in greater detail certain facets of the home situation, or bring up items that they weren't ready to present earlier. The latter may include past history in this marriage or previous relationships and history. Each person brings to the relationship his individual personality, philosophy, expectations and modus operandi.
My immediate initial goals include relieving your tension, fears or depression about the low level of your relationship and your concerns about its future. I do my best
to provide encouragement and inspire hope by helping you understand how you, as a couple, got into this low state of affairs because of ineffective, inadequate, or counterproductive behaviors by one, or both parties, towards the other. I encourage you both to explore, consider and implement other, more constructive, caring and hopefully loving, modes of thinking and feeling about your partner and the situation. This will lead to the abandonment of the inadequate or ineffective approaches that one (or both) of you have been using towards the other and the adoption of proactive, positive, constructive, caring, loving and effective behaviors which will satisfy your partner, and at the same time inspire cooperation and accommodation in your partner to satisfy you, thus bringing about the changes you so ardently desire.
In contradistinction to what may take place at home, the counseling sessions
take place in a quiet office setting wherein both of you will have an opportunity
to enumerate specific problem areas, explain what you mean, elaborate your hurt,
pain, frustration, disappointment, anger and other emotions in a constructive
fashion. You will have a peaceful and supportive environment wherein you will
be encouraged to delineate the needs and wishes that you hope to satisfy in
your marriage and get your spouse to listen respectfully, comment caringly,
and commit to appropriate behavior in the future. Click here for my article on "Happily Ever After?"
C. Homework Assignments
The purpose of homework assignments is to enrich our sessions, extend the impact
of each session, and to maintain momentum from meeting to meeting. Sometimes,
I assign questionnaires, which require written responses to help you explore
yourself, your partner, your interactions and to evaluate important themes in
your marriage. The information elicited by this approach enriches the material
that you bring up during our counseling sessions, and is used during subsequent
meetings as a map and guide for our work together. At other times, I assign
specific activities including the weekly "business meeting." As your
communications training proceeds, I will teach you how to conduct the business
meeting at home to augment the work that we do in session.
II. GOALS
AND PROCEDURES IN COUNSELING (TOP)
A. Achieving Your Goals
Fortunately, by the time a couple reaches the office of a marriage counselor
they realize that our culturally bred fantasy of getting married and automatically
living happily ever after is a myth. You both understand that keeping a relationship
on track requires a lot of caring attention and constant fine-tuning. In order
for a marriage to develop and grow successfully, each person must have respect for the other's opinions, show sensitivity to their feelings, and practice openness for
honest communication.
Concurrent with the development of competence in these areas, we approach
head-on the issues that are causing you distress and prompted you to seek counseling
in the first place. My primary focus is to help you reach an understanding of,
solution to, or at least a reasonable compromise to, and resolution of the outstanding
problems as quickly as possible, and bury the hatchet. This can be accomplished
by a mutual commitment to throw yourselves into the counseling process so that
you both may learn and put into effect a caring and loving attitude and new
communication and interactive skills. We hope to recapture the romance of your
early courtship, resume your enjoyment of each other's company, find greater
harmony and satisfaction with each other, and peace and contentment in the marriage.
B. Procedures in Counseling: Content and
Process
Content: The content of our sessions together will cover the topics
that you initially present, your replies to specific questions that I pose about
your relationship, and the answers that you give to the questionnaires that
will be offered to you. Additionally, our meetings are open to any appropriate
subject that you or your partner may wish to introduce at any time. This might
include something hidden or unmentioned until now, or perhaps a continuation
of a subject that had been explored in the past, but has not been completely
resolved.
Process: In addition to our focus on your
specific complaints or areas of unhappiness, we also focus on process, viz.,
(1) the nature of your interactions in presenting these problems to your spouse,
and (2) your previous attempts at trying to solve the problem. In this process,
we assess the effectiveness of your communication and problem-solving skills.
I offer full training for skill enhancement in these two areas. We not only
model and practice these skills in session, but I also give structured homework
assignments so that you may integrate these new habits into your modus operandi.
III. ISN'T LOVE ENOUGH?
(TOP)
Unfortunately, love is not enough. Sometimes, the breakdown of a happy relationship
is due to immaturity or sheer ignorance of one's role or responsibilities in
the relationship. At other times there are specific personality deficits or
traits, active or passive, that precede the relationship and are counterproductive
to a healthy interaction. Since each person's attitudes and behavior is only
one side of the coin, we investigate what each of you is doing, or failing to
do, to contribute to the current situation. Because of reciprocal frustrations,
a couple may press each other's buttons and get into a vicious cycle in which
both partners are victims as well as aggressors, i.e., both suffer from, and
contribute to the unhealthy pattern.
In other situations, both partners are perfectly normal, but have a "desire
discrepancy" i.e. have different levels of desire or need in important
areas such as affection, sex, emotionally-focused conversation, sharing, closeness,
recreation and fun, attachment to friends or family, or have differing views
on money or religion, etc. In these cases, failure to understand or adjust to
each other's needs and feelings, and react appropriately, can be a source of
hurt, disappointment, and anger, which in turn may initiate an unhealthy pattern
of reciprocal frustration.
At other times, the problem involves outside sources and may include problematic
relationships with an "ex," children from a previous marriage, inability
to loosen your ties with parents or friends or other third parties, causing
your spouse to complain that he/she does not hold first place in your life.
In view of my training and experience both as a psychologist as well as a marriage
counselor, I am sensitive to and will differentiate among issues that stem from
within the individual, those that stem from external sources and those that
stem strictly from your interaction with your partner. I will work with each
of you, and both of you, as the situation requires.
Increasing Your Chances for Marital Success:
It is my objective to make you and your partner as comfortable as can be during
this counseling process. Please be assured, that at no time am I looking to
blame or embarrass either party. I state at the outset that my goal is to help
each of you become the best spouse that you can be. We
are always looking for a win-win situation. In any given interaction, if one person wins and the other loses, both people lose, and the marriage suffers. Since we get married to increase our happiness, not our misery, each person
should do his best to make the other person happy. In
so doing, your mutual chances for success will be excellent.
What Shall I Do Now?
In determining whether or not you wish to pursue marriage or couple counseling, you need
to ask yourself:
- What are the consequences of not taking this opportunity to work this out
with the guidance of an experienced marriage counselor now? Will the situation
improve, stay the same, or get worse?
- Assuming that the problem will stay the same or get worse, are you willing
to spend the rest of your life this way?
If, sadly, your answer to question number (2) above is "no" you have
a clear need for professional counseling. Since 50% of American marriages end
up in divorce, the statistical chances for success of any marriage chosen at
random are about equal to a gambler's chances at Atlantic City or Las Vegas.
Fortunately, you can do something to improve your chances
for success, especially if you attack the problem early. Although there is no
guarantee that every failing marriage can be saved, it is also true, that many failing marriages have been saved with professional help, and that
many couples who divorced might have been spared that tragedy had they sought
help.
In the unfortunate situation where your partner is hesitant or refuses to come
for help, it may be even more important that you come alone to discuss what
you might do to convince him/her to join you in this effort. Failing that, perhaps
you will learn to make whatever changes you can to single-handedly stop vicious
cycles and get your relationship back on track, or, in a worst-case scenario:
explore other options and get on with your life.
Hope For Troubled Marriages:
A More Elaborate Description of
Dr. Gross' Marriage/Couple Counseling Program
by
Reuben E. Gross, PhD, ABPP, LMFT
This
article offers a glimpse into my philosophy and approach to marriage counseling.
It is an amplification of a briefer description "Marriage & Couple/
Relationship Counseling" (click here)
"Hope
For Troubled Marriages" is a general introduction to my work with couples and does
not discuss my individualized treatment programs for certain communication
problems, infidelity, anger management or other specific problems.
Note:
When referring to a person I interchange "he, she, he/she," with the
understanding that all points made in the article are relevant to both genders.
Similarly, the word "partners" and "spouses" will be used interchangeably since
so many people today live with each other before marriage and have relationship
problems similar to those of their married counterparts.
Table
of Contents
Please Note: You need not read the following chapters in the order presented.
You may go
directly to any of these subjects by clicking on it.
I. Overview
"Hope For Troubled Marriages" touches upon some of the
techniques that I employ in working with couples. This article is limited in
scope since it can hardly begin to describe the twists, turns and complexity of
the marriage counseling process. Furthermore, the needs of each couple vary,
and my attention to this results in variations on the themes recorded here. The
paragraphs below are merely designed to give the reader an introduction to my
approach to marriage counseling. One of my goals with this description is to
remove the mystery and consequent anxieties that surround this subject. These
anxieties often result in delays of many months and even many years before a
couple will take advantage of the professional help that is available for their
marital/relationship difficulties. I also wish to offer hope to those couples
weighed down by their problems with each other.
The interactions that take place between me and the
couple during counseling sessions reflect an amalgamation of theories and
procedures that I have learned from others, and techniques that I have
developed on my own in the course of seeing more than two thousand couples over
the past 35 years. My approach is active, direct, action- and results-oriented,
flexibly responsive to the specific needs of each couple, and reflects my
varied training and very broad experience. For more information on this subject
please click on these titles for "Dr. Gross" "Theoretical Orientation," and "Credentials."
In the last analysis, marriage counseling is an interweaving
of art and science. For this reason, no two counselors work exactly the same
way. In addition to the techniques and approach described here, the reader will
get a feel of what else might take place with a specific couple by reading the following
two articles in which I cite case histories to illustrate certain points: " The A-B-C's of Communication" and "Thirteen Reasons Why Spouses Fail to Communicate."
Marriage
Counseling As a Learning Experience
As I observe the dynamics of my work with couples, I
believe that a couple who participates in the marriage/relationship counseling
process with me has the experience of an individual enrolled in a private learning
program personalized to help him achieve his goal of lasting happiness in his
marriage. The program includes two sub-goals, viz. how to bring out the best in
your spouse, and how to be a better spouse yourself.
This is a structured program consisting of:
o
A private learning experience, tailored to the specific needs of each couple in a warm, friendly, safe and
supportive atmosphere
o
The guidance of a personal
mentor who directs, encourages and
guides each of you in this experience
o
Within-the-session learning
(theory of what makes a good marriage)
o
Hands-on experience (spouses
practice what they learn about communicating, problem solving, and emotional
bonding), both during the counseling
session, and between sessions (at-home assignments)
o
Each session has a specific
goal and may include handouts or exploration of answers given in response
to the initial questionnaire that I send you before the first session or follow-up probing written instruments.
This article also enumerates some of my theories about the
necessary ingredients for a happy couple relationship. It describes my ongoing
efforts to promote with both spouses a process of self discovery and self
revelation so that each person may gain a better understanding of himself and
his partner, as well as insight into the psychodynamics of their interaction.
The article describes some of the techniques that I demonstrate (and have the
couple practice during the counseling session) which will help them solve the
problems that brought them to therapy. As a follow-up to our sessions together,
I give at-home assignments to each couple when spending a minimum of quiet time
with each other nightly, having a weekly "business meeting" and reading
articles or even books. Each couple decides how much
homework they wish to do or have time to do.
The Goal of the Marriage Counselor
The ultimate goal of the marriage counselor is to give
you the tools to solve with each other as
many as possible of the issues that are eating away at your happiness. Now, even
if a problem cannot be totally solved, with a new perspective, the comparative magnitude
of the problem can usually be lessened, and the negative emotions attached to the
arguments/fights can usually be eliminated or greatly reduced. Although the reader is welcome to employ the
ideas and exercises presented here to his/her benefit, this article was
designed as an overview of my approach to marriage counseling rather than as a
self-help article. Many of the techniques described here work much better when they
are explained and acted upon under the guidance of the counselor with a discussion
centering on how these techniques might best be adapted --and implemented, to
serve the specific needs of each couple.
II.
Why Do Individuals Initiate Marriage Counseling?
An open minded couple will come for professional help because they
are unhappy in their relationship and want to do something about it. In another
article, I elaborate the point that society fails to prepare any of us for
marriage; so why are we so surprised that so many of us are disappointed with
our partners, unhappy in our marriage, and even reach the depths of hopelessness and failure (divorce)?
The level
of unhappiness varies among couples and sometimes within the couple. People
come because they have not achieved much success in their previous efforts to solve
a particular problem, but more frequently, to address any number of problems to
improve their relationship. Persons who come for professional help, realize
that they have exhausted their own efforts at remediation, and see little light
at the end of the tunnel. In a moderate situation, they see themselves stuck in
a less than happy situation; in a worst case scenario they are rapidly losing
patience and hope. Although there is no guarantee that counseling will help, they
see no better alternative and are willing to give professional help a try. They are making the right decision. Studies show that most
couples report very positive results from their counseling experience.
III. Couples Differ From Each
Other
In view of the fact that no two individuals are the same (we each
have one hundred billion neurons in our brain, containing very different
experiences, memories, attachments, habits, philosophies, etc.) it is axiomatic that no two persons (or
couples) who come for counseling are the same in terms of their problems, their
interpersonal skills, specific subgoals, nor in many other dimensions that come
to the fore during the counseling process. These differences include the nature of the relationship
difficulties, the chronicity and severity of the problems, the duration and
depth of each person's unhappiness, the willingness of each person to admit to
his contributions to the situation, his willingness to commit to the process of
counseling, and his staying power. Other differences between individuals, and
therefore within couples, include: emotional sensitivity, capacity to see the
situation from spouse's point of view, intensity of disrupting emotions (e.g.,
anger), flexibility of each partner (ability to learn new ways of relating and
changing old ways), and a desire to enhance the partner's welfare and
happiness.
The
Male/Female Dimension
Differences
between males and females have been described by John Grey, PhD, a psychologist
with many years of experience working with couples in his best-seller "Men Are
From Mars: Women Are From Venus." The most up-to-date research on the brain has
demonstrated notable differences in brain structure between men and women.
Additionally, differences between the sexes are noticed in areas of the brain
that are activated by men and women even when performing the same task. These
differences are often manifested in different emotional responses and behaviors
to real life situations. These differences should be understood by both
partners and tolerance as well as accommodation should be made accordingly.
What
Are the Necessary Ingredients to Improve the Relationship?
Although the
strength of each person's love for each other and their commitment to the
relationship are extremely important, love or commitment alone will not solve
the problem(s). Virtually all people who marry in this country marry for love;
sadly, love alone does not stem the epidemic of marital breakups. In order for
marriage or premarital counseling to work, all of the factors listed in the
previous paragraphs play a role. Above all, it is crucial
that there be a total commitment to the counseling process and a sincere desire
to resolve the problems to the satisfaction of both parties.
With
patience and perseverance, a focus on reality, and a sense of fairness and
kindness, virtually all interpersonal impediments to happiness can be removed --or
reduced greatly, with a resulting sense of peace, comfort, contentment, happiness
and enjoyment of each other's company. Reviewing the first session in your
mind, and applying the lesson of the handout(s) that I will give you initiates
this process with the first session.
IV.
The Process of Marriage Counseling: In The Beginning
1.
The First Step Takes Place in the Home
When a couple makes their first appointment, I send each person ten
pages of questionnaires via email. Completing the questionnaire provides each
person with an opportunity to organize and put his/her thoughts about the
relationship onto paper. The questionnaires are filled out at home and brought by the
couple to the first session. Some of the questions are specific, e.g., how
often do you fight? are critical of each other? feel misunderstood? feel alone
in the relationship; who avoids who, which partner runs out during an argument
etc..
The next group
of questions are open-ended. For example, on the "Wish List" each person is
encouraged to express his specific wishes regarding his partner. Spouses are
asked to make as long a list as they desire of hoped-for behaviors from their partner,
such as, more attention, understanding, respect, support, affection, sex, etc. In
another exercise, each person is asked to list those negative behaviors of his partner that that he could do without
because they annoy, anger or hurt him, e.g., yell, criticize, minimize or
ignore partner's feelings or opinions, reject sexually etc. Other questions follow.
By the
time the couple comes to their first appointment, they have clarified a good
part of their thinking and have already established some of their agenda and
goals in counseling. I have found the use of advance questionnaires
time-effective as well as cost effective. This approach is especially efficient for persons who might be
intimidated or nervous in the presence of a marriage counselor. But the
approach has universal value since the couple is freed from the task of digging
into their psyche on the spot and coming up with a litany of complaints or an analysis
of their situation the moment they walk into my office.
During the
initial interview and at every successive meeting, both persons are always free to add to their
original agenda. Spouses are encouraged to redefine the problems originally cited. Or, if they wish,
explore problems not previously mentioned, because they did not comfortably fall into the categories or formulations offered in the questionnaires, or not delineated during the initial phase of counseling for any other reasons.
2.
At the Initial Interview Spouses Enumerate Sources of Dissatisfaction
Partners
Listen Carefully to Each Other's Complaints
It is customary in the initial phase of marital counseling for both
spouses to express their unhappiness in the relationship and to elaborate on
this theme with a list of complaints about their partner. In some situations
both partners are fairly equally unhappy in the marriage and similarly accusatory
of their spouse's shortcomings. At other times, one person is more unhappy or
accusatory than the other. The questionnaires that
are filled out prior to the initial meeting give each person an opportunity to
air their complaints, and in the process, give their partner the keys (roadmap)
to the solution.
In
session, we read aloud, in a quiet peaceful manner, the sources of each
person's unhappiness, and their detailed expression of needs and wishes that
they would like their partner to satisfy. During the airing of each person's
complaints or "Wish List" the counselor will not allow yelling, insulting,
changing the topic, counter accusing or any of the behaviors that the couple might
be exercising at home. Nor will the counselor permit interrupting. When one
person is talking, the listener might be provided with a notepad so that he
will better remember what his spouse is saying. If he puts comments on paper he
will be in a better position to respond appropriately. Neither partner is allowed
to hog the conversation. If "fighting" is one of the complaints The Nineteen Rules
of Good Communication are introduced and put into effect at the very first
session. (For more information on this click here for "How to Argue Constructively Without Fighting."
Developing
Insight and Willingness to Accommodate Spouse
After the
initial exchanges, we draw upon some of the points raised in the session in
addition to the statements made in the documents filled out at home. We discuss
in detail how far each person is willing to comply with their spouse's reasonable
requests and needs. We explore internal as well as external barriers or
impediments to total cooperation. We inquire
into the psychological forces motivating each person, as well as the psychodynamics
at play in the relationship. We help each person understand his own motivations
and needs and how they affect his attitudes and behavior. We also explore how
these needs and behaviors interact with his partner's needs, wishes and behaviors.
All marriages are dynamic. In the counseling process, partners become acutely
aware of the healthy as well as unhealthy interplay and reciprocity of their
relationship, and are helped to increase their healthy, positive, mutually
supportive and loving behaviors.
V.
Grading Each Person's Happiness in the Relationship
In order
for me to gauge the level of unhappiness, including hurt, pain, loneliness, anger or other
emotional distress and/or the severity of the problem as experienced by each
individual, at the initial or second interview, I will ask each person to independently
grade their happiness in the relationship along the following lines:
(There are
many variations on the discussion that might ensue during this exercise;
consequently, the reader is asked to understand that the description that
follows only gives an approximation of what this grading experience is all
about).
A grade of "F" is given by individuals who are separated or close to
separation. This grade is given by a person whose assessment of his situation
is this marriage/relationship does not meet my
minimal requirements and/or is too painful for me to continue in it. I would
like to see the relationship change. I have (a greater or lesser amount of)
hope that it will, and that's why I came for counseling. But if it doesn't
improve, I will "walk."
People in
this category have contemplated divorce, have threatened it, or have already
sought legal advice. In my explanation of the grading system, I ask the couple
to compare the "F" grade to a situation with a teacher and a failing student. She'll
do what she can to bring up his grade. However, unless the child reaches a
minimal level of competence, she has no choice but to fail him. Sometimes, I
compare an "F" level of happiness in the marriage to a guy holding onto a cliff
by his finger tips. He cannot continue for very long. If he doesn't get
immediate help, he'll fall off.
A grade of "D" reflects a marriage/relationship wherein the individuals
think about separation or even threaten it in the middle of a fight. Although no
one is "walking" just yet, there is a great deal of unhappiness, often anger,
hurt and pain. In theory, the situation can improve without outside
intervention, but in practice, the probability of success is low. The fact is
that in spite of the efforts of (one or) both parties, or perhaps in view of
the lack of efforts of (one or) both
parties, the situation has not improved. The fear is that the marriage will
deteriorate if the problems are not addressed, or at best, the relationship
will stay at the same low level it is now. Neither of these possibilities is acceptable
and therefore the couple comes for counseling.
A "D"
relationship is sluggishly moving along, not getting where it should be "on
time," if at all. Yes, there are satisfactions, but they are minimal: a bone here
and a bone there. Although the couple may be holding on (because of internal or
external restraints as noted below), it is clear that the individuals are not happy.
A couple or person who grades his relationship "D" is not quite ready to break
up. However, if the situation deteriorates, or even
if it just stays at this low level, and the external or internal constraints let up, even
slightly, that person might just come to the
conclusion that life is too short to live this way. Such an
individual might be willing to take their chances on splitting up and trying
another route whether or not they find another partner.
A grade of "C" is given by a person who considers his marriage "fair." In
some areas, it may be "B" or better but in other areas it may be "D" or worse.
The relationship is "nothing to write home to momma about" but there are enough
satisfactions to make the relationship viable and the individual is not threatening,
much less contemplating, to leave. In fact, in one or two areas a person might
even grade the marriage "B+" or higher. Couples who
come in with an agreed upon average of "C" are not in pain but because of
certain problems, they are not as happy as they believe they could be. In spite of their
problems, they have a positive attitude towards the marriage, are hopeful about
their future together, and throw themselves into the counseling process with
more enthusiasm and optimism than the "D" or "F" people who are in pain and
suffering, and frequently discouraged or at least exhausted.
A grade of "B" is given by a person who believes his marriage is good and
who is generally happy. Understandably, there are frustrations from time to
time, and the marriage might not merit a "B" across the board, but overall the
individual is satisfied. If so, what is he doing in my office? Simple. His partner is unhappy (may give a "C"
or even worse). But he, too, has something to gain since a B+ or higher may be
within reach. Sometimes, both
individuals grade the marriage "B", i.e., good, but have problems in one or
more specific areas and need help in resolving them.
A grade of "B+" is given by someone who is very happy. What is he doing in my
office? Strange as it may seem, I have had couples wherein usually the man (but the genders can be reversed) was quite,
or even perfectly happy, but his wife was nowhere in the same league. Clearly,
she was satisfying his needs in the marriage, but he was not satisfying her
needs. His wife might grade her happiness as "C","D" or worse. The husband comes for
counseling because his wife insists on it, and she may have even moved out of
the bedroom or threatened separation to get him "to see the light." Or vice
versa with regard to who is more unhappy,
Happiness
is Catching; So is Misery
For the
most part, however, partners are generally at the same grade of happiness with a
plus or minus difference, or else one full grade apart. As time elapses in the
relationship, the grades come closer and closer. This is so because if one
person is unhappy, that person will eventually express it by complaining, attacking
or withdrawing. Partners are like Siamese twins who share the same circulatory
system. Their blood flows into each other. So it is with the happiness-unhappiness
continuum as regards two people who live with each other. Eventually, they will
both be experiencing the same level of happiness, discontent, alienation or
misery.
May I add
here the comment of one wife who agreed with my point about each person's
feelings affecting the other person's feelings, but did not think the analogy
fit her situation. She said "I don't experience the connectivity implicit in
the Siamese twin analogy." I am indebted to her for her analogy: We're like
two people in a rowboat. It doesn't matter under whose seat there is a hole. If
we don't plug up the hole, we'll both go down.
VI.
Different Levels of Discouragement/Motivation to Maintain the Relationship
A. Both Persons Are Highly Motivated to Maintain the Relationship
In this category, the two individuals that come for counseling, be
they married, living together, or just dating in an exclusive relationship,
affirm their love for each other at the very first session and express their
absolute intent of staying together. Both individuals are highly motivated for
therapy. They come for couple counseling because
they do not know how to translate their love into a comfortable, relaxed
relationship. Their motivation to find happiness with each other is high, but
their ability to interact successfully is low.
In some cases, in spite of
a strong mutual attraction and love, the individuals experience frequent disagreement,
criticism and fighting. Their negative interactions eat away at the
relationship and they see no end to their predicament. They are convinced that that
they can --and should-- be happy with each other, but achieving this goal
eludes them. There are many reasons why spouses fight. Sometimes they fight
because of chronic frustration at not having a number of their reasonable needs
and expectations met by their partner. At other times they fight because of a
specific problem e.g. jealousy, control, or over-attachment to a hobby, work,
etc. Sometimes one, or both members are too much under the influence of a third
party e.g., one's mother, or other member of spouse's family of origin, or
friends. In still other cases, the problem expresses itself is a variety of
situations but the underlying dynamic may be immaturity, inability to communicate
effectively, inability to share, be close, develop and maintain intimacy, etc.
In other cases two spouses
have led peaceful, parallel, but separate lives (no fighting or bickering), and
have drifted apart over the years. These spouses do not share too much with
each other and their sex life may have diminished. Eventually, one or both may
begin to feel alone in the marriage. The analogy that I like is that of two
horses working very hard as they are hitched together and pulling a wide plough
(the family). Each horse is laboring to do its share, but has blinders on its
eyes and is looking ahead. It does not look to the side and relate to its
companion. Couples in this situation know that although each person is doing
his best to keep the family going, and the work is being done, something very
important is missing in their personal relationship; they wonder where the
marriage is heading. Perhaps the couple has been jolted by an innocent
flirtation or even an act of infidelity by one of the partners. At this
juncture, the couple realizes that they have reached a crisis in their
relationship and wisely seek marriage counseling.
B. One Person is Highly Motivated. The Other Is Discouraged and Poorly Motivated to Maintain the Relationship
As noted earlier, not all
persons who come for counseling share with their partner the same level of
unhappiness nor the same interest in keeping the relationship going. Some
couples come for counseling because one person is very interested in
maintaining the relationship, yet, the other person is not. In such a case, the
disillusioned partner might say that she has "suffered too much" and has exhausted
her energies in trying to get her partner to change. Although the disillusioned
person (the "F") may have even given up hope, she agreed to marriage counseling
as a favor to her spouse because her husband sees the marriage as a "B" or "C,"
or even "D," but does not wish to see
the dissolution of the marriage. Thus, even if one partner is so discouraged
that she doubts the prospects for happiness and stability, and is barely
holding onto the relationship, the other partner might strongly wish to repair
and solidify the relationship and be willing to do virtually anything to please
his partner and save the marriage. Of course, in this and other examples that I
give, the genders may be reversed. In my experience, dissimilarity in goals, or
a disparity in the partners willingness to work at the problems occurs with
both married and unmarried couples.
Understandably, when one person lacks enthusiasm, the other must do
his best to instill confidence in the heart of the disillusioned partner and work twice as hard to get
the relationship back on track. My
favorite analogy for this situation is that of two people in a canoe on a large
lake quite a distance from the shore. The sky clouds up, a wind is blowing
waves on the lake, and it is clear that a storm is brewing. If they don't get
back to shore quickly, the canoe might be swamped and they can be thrown into
the water. It is imperative that both paddle as efficiently as possible. Now,
suppose one person paddles incorrectly, half-heartedly, or for whatever reason
stops paddling (is exhausted, handicapped, doesn't understand the severity of
the problem, believes that they'll never make it anyhow, etc.), what should the
other person do? I would say: address the situation
calmly and supportively and do his best to get as much cooperation as possible.
Following this, he should paddle twice as hard.
Now, to change the
metaphor, in cases where the marriage is hanging by a thread, if the motivated
partner commits himself to making it work and changes his behavior sufficiently
so that positive changes take place, there is a chance that a healing process
will take place, negative feelings on the part of the disillusioned partner
will gradually weaken, and positive feelings will emerge.
When this happens, the negative interactions and despair are gradually
replaced by caring behaviors and hope. The pleasant interactions and positive
experiences that the individuals share gradually accumulate. New memories emerge which help the
individuals recall the wonderful times that they had at the beginning of their
relationship. The negative feelings that brought them to counseling begin to
fade and are slowly overridden by the ever increasing number of pleasant
experiences and happier feelings. The
individuals go out on more "dates" spend more quality time with each other at
home, are more affectionate, improve their sex life and find that they enjoy
each other's company more and more.
The couple will also behave
with more respect, care and consideration for each other and slowly find peace
and contentment in their bond. With the help of marriage counseling,
distressed couples will generally come away with better understanding of
themselves and their spouse, and a more enjoyable, mature, understanding, happier, and stronger relationship
than they ever had in the past.
C. Both Parties Are Discouraged but Are Nevertheless
Motivated to Stay With Each Other
1) Marriages That Are
Held Together by External Constraints to Separation
In some
situations, the "in love" feeling that each person had for each other when they
first met may have dwindled greatly, remains only as a spark or perhaps only as
a memory. However, even if they are both hurt, disappointed, alienated or angry,
they do not necessarily hate each other. The problem is that the disappointment,
hurt and/or alienation have grown to such a point that both individuals are
utterly discouraged. In such a case, the relationship has deteriorated so much
over the years that both persons are now ready to throw in the towel. Many of these couples are so frustrated in their attempts at
resolution and exhausted from futile fighting that they would split up if not
for children, financial, familial, cultural, religious or other external constraints. For these reasons, they will not go to a divorce attorney
unless they have exhausted every possible approach to remedy their deteriorated
situation.
When a
couple does not see divorce as a viable alternative, and see no success in
their own efforts at remediation, they seek the help of a marriage counselor.
These couples are determined to pull themselves out of their morass and since
they are so unhappy they cling to the hope that there is only one way they can
go: up. And
many of them do go up when they throw themselves into the therapeutic process and stick with it.
2) Marriages That Are Held Together by Internal Constraints to Separation
In some instances, there are no external
constraints to separation; the couple is free to pick up and go. but there are internal constraints. What are these internal
constraints? People are reluctant to
pull up stakes and walk away for a variety of reasons. Some fear the personal stigma
of failure. Others wish to avoid a probable loss of self esteem and self blame,
especially if this is their second or third serious attempt at marriage or living
together. Others, male and female, not wishing to be alone, realize that to
find another partner, they would have to return to square one of the dreaded
singles scene.
Sometimes
the internal constraint has to do with biology and time, viz., in the case of a
female who wants to have children and is concerned that her biological clock is
ticking away. Such a person might conclude that she doesn't have the time, nor
the patience to start all over again with another man' nor is there any
assurance that she'll be more successful with her next partner. Some of the individuals
who are determined to strive hard to preserve their relationship believe that
there is "nothing better out there anyway" [this may or not be true], since
"nobody is perfect and all men and women have one problem or another" [this is
certainly true].
Many other
committed strivers for the success of their marriage/ relationship are fighters
by nature and don't give up easily. For them, just because something is not
working is not an excuse to walk away. These individuals are confident in their
ability to solve problems, and hate to see their dreams for happiness go up in
smoke; this attitude is especially compelling
to a person who has invested many years
into a relationship. These persons see divorce as a copout and they will not
give up without a fight.
In still other
situations, no matter how unhappy they are and no matter how poorly they treat
each other, both spouses forcefully affirm that they love each other. Sadly,
they are stuck in a neurotic struggle that they cannot control and want to be
liberated from their neurotic bondage. Having married for love with
the intention of building a happy family, these people have absolutely no
thought of splitting up and will not abandon their goal without giving it
everything they have.
VII.
How Does Counseling Help?
A good portion of couples who come for help complain of
frequent fights. Not only does rational discussion go to the winds and problems
can't be solved that way, but the activity of yelling, accusing, insulting, etc that accompany these fights poison the
atmosphere and make cooperation and accommodation less likely. Counseling opens
both partner's eyes to the significance and reciprocal nature of their own and
their partner's behaviors and attitudes, and gives them new perspectives on
cause and effect in their relationship. By understanding the psychodynamics of
their interactions, the couple learns how their neglectful/avoidance or
negative/hurtful behaviors make matters worse and contribute to a vicious cycle.
In such cases the
marriage counselor encourages each person to stop adding
fuel to the flame (if fighting, neglect or passive-aggressive behavior is one
of their complaints). The point is made that 2 wrongs don't make 1 right, and
that reacting to a provocation with a provocation only makes things worse.
When a spouse tells me that he/she only yells angrily when
he/she is provoked, I reply: I believe you. In my years of practice, I have
never met someone who gets up in the morning, looks at his watch and wonders
"When shall I start yelling at my wife." People react angrily to a provocation
(or an imagined provocation). But just because your spouse tripped up (and
violated the other's dignity or rights in the argument) doesn't mean that you
should do the same thing and only make matters worse.
In my practice, one of the first things I introduce to the
couple is a list of 19 rules of good communication. For example. Rule #1 forbids
verbal (insults, name calling) or non-verbal (making a face, rolling eyes) put-downs.
The desired behavior is to show respect at all times. Another no-no is
interrupting. A third no-no is failure to give your spouse your undivided
attention when listening. A fourth no-no is raising voice angrily etc. My next
step is to get the couple to agree to the wisdom
of the nineteen rules and promise to do their best not to violate them. Couples
that adhere to these rules are amazed at how quickly they change the atmosphere
in their household. My next approach in marriage counseling is to teach the
couple problem-solving. They learn how to complain, disagree, solve complex and
sensitive situations respectfully and constructively. These new skills open
channels of communication that the couple has never used before.
One result of this openness and mutual exchange is that each
person clarifies for himself, and expresses to his partner, his unmet underlying
emotional needs as a factor in his unhappiness.
The counselor then
encourages each person to fulfill his/her role in the relationship by adhering
to these minimal basics:
-
Giving his spouse
priority in his life,
- Show constant respect for
partner's feelings, opinions and personhood,
- Actively display unstinting
love, care and concern for partner's needs for acceptance, support, affection
and sex,
-
Frequent expression of
recognition, appreciation, thanks,and praise for partner's
personal qualities, his/her contributions to the enhancement of the relationship,extended family and social life, financial
support, care for the children, management of the household, etc.,
-
Spend more private time
with each other for more communication, mutual sharing and understanding,bonding experiences, and pleasurable
activities.
-
Protect the relationship
from interfering outside forces
- The exercise of the
above-mentioned caring and constructive
behaviors will initiate and promote a benign cycle that will continually
improve and solidify the relationship.
It is crucial
that both spouses understand the ongoing importance of:
Opening the channels of respectful communication to
include sharing thoughts and feelings, and frequent fine-tuning of the
relationship
I reinforce these concepts by introducing specific interactive
behaviors that many couples have barely considered in the past, much less put
into practice. These might include keeping a brief diary of positive and well
as negative behaviors by each spouse, daily quality-time meetings with each
other to discuss the day and the relationship, a "business meeting" once a
week, etc. My approach is to assign at-home exercises to the individuals which
require the use of these newly learned problem-solving, empathic, caring and
bonding behaviors. The sooner the couple puts these principles into practice,
the sooner the old feelings of love and closeness are awakened and the sooner
the relationship is back on track.
VIII.
Spouses Look Into the Mirror
Drawing Upon Hope and Facing the Problem(s) Squarely in The
Face
When individuals
come for therapy determined to save their relationship, sooner or later, they
will be asked by the counselor to look into their own souls. They will be
encouraged to put their own cards on the table face up, admit to their "weak
cards" (faults, inadequacies, weaknesses, shortcomings) as well as their
"strong cards." They will then be asked to carefully look at their partner's
"handa" too, and with an open mind negotiate a new relationship based upon
fairness, kindness and sensitive understanding.
As the marriage counseling process unfolds we ask each person to look into the mirror. One of the
exercises he/she will be asked to do involves making as long a list as he/she
can of his/her own behaviors in
response to the statement "Deep in my heart I know
that I would be a better spouse if I would do the following for my spouse" (list all the
positive behaviors that would please your partner). The next exercise continues
the self searching as follows: "Deep in my heart I know that I would be a better spouse if I would
not" (list
all of your behaviors that annoy or antagonize your partner).
At this
point in the therapeutic process, each person's original focus on his spouse's
unreasonable behaviors is now counterbalanced with an inquiry into the
complainer's antecedent (provocative) behaviors as well as the complaining
spouse's failure to demonstrate certain positive behaviors. Essentially, we are
asking each person to look into himself for "sins" of omission or commission.
At this point we also examine the appropriateness or effectiveness of the
complainer's usual responses to his spouse's provocations. Does he know how to
defuse a provocative statement or behavior, either by a. "blowing the whistle"
on the other person, and/or b. directly addressing the
legitimate part of the upset spouse's complaint and ignoring for the moment the
provocative manner? Or does he add fuel to the flame by responding to
negative/provocative behaviors in kind? Do 2 wrongs make 1 right? For
information on "blowing the whistle" to stop a fight cold, click here for "How to Argue
Constructively Without Fighting."
Eventually, both partners
understand that putting their marriage back on track will take a lot of soul-searching, hard work and compromising. They are well aware that there is no magic bullet and no magic wand,
and that changes will not take place overnight; but as they witness the positive
changes that do take place, they begin to realize that it is well within their
reach to establish a much happier relationship with each other.
IX.
Separation Does Not Always Mean the End of the Relationship
I also work with couples
who are separated. Are there any advantages to separation? Often, separation serves as an
advantage to the process of reconciliation. Distance usually gives a person a
different perspective. The problems may seem more bearable and even solvable.
The attractions of the marriage may appear stronger and take on greater
importance. With a new perspective, both parties might show a greater
acceptance of their spouse's demands and lower their own expectations and
demands. They may also take a more realistic view of their own shortcomings and
faults. If so, they will look at the process of compromise in a new light. A higher
level of motivation results in greater effort on the part of each individual to
develop a lasting relationship that is based on a realistic understanding of
their partner's agenda, even if it differs from what they originally thought it
was, and even if their partner has changed his agenda as he matured and the
marriage progressed. Click here for my article on "The Hidden Agenda in
Relationships."
In such cases, as the
couple begins to reconcile, the anger that they had for each other and the
despair that they had for the relationship when they first separated slowly
abates. The original attraction begins to reassert itself and the partners begin
speaking to and seeing each other-- more frequently, going out, and spending
more nights together. Both individuals now miss, more and more, the
togetherness that they once had. They express their sorrow at being apart and
begin to explore the possibility of living together again. Children, family
encouragement, finances, and other reasons may also contribute to the goal of
reuniting. But before changing their
living arrangement, the separated individuals would be wise to resolve the
issues that split them up in the first place. Getting together prematurely could
backfire. It is better to reunite slowly and gradually.
X.
Hope For The Future
There Is No Magic Bullet & No Magic Wand
Couples
differ from each other in the nature, severity and chronicity of their
problems, their psychological insight, capacity to change, sense of fairness
and above all: their love for each other, their commitment to the relationship
and their willingness to invest time and effort into the therapeutic process.
Unhappy
couples should understand that there is no magic bullet, and no magic wand. But
with the encouraging guidance of an experienced professional, and with hard
work and sincerity on their part, each person can put the following behaviors
into motion:
- Stop the vicious cycle of
negative interactions and pull themselves and their spouse out of their
morass,
- Increase communication to
include sharing of experiences, feelings, hopes plans, successes and
disappointments,
- Express complaints, views and wants,
honestly but diplomatically so as to acquire accommodation from their
spouse rather than resentment and controversy,
- Show care of partner
rather than selfishness and indifference or animosity to partner's needs,
- Get to see the other
person's point of view and move into gear to satisfy spouse's reasonable
and appropriate wishes and desires.
- Start enjoying themselves with
as many shared activities that both partners like, maintain emotional
bonding and affection, and the blessings of great sex will come naturally.
- Initiate and promote
a self-maintaining benign cycle in the relationship by displaying all
of the behaviors enumerated above
Slowly,
like a person going up a ladder one rung at a time, the relationship will improve.
Spouses will stop looking for excuses to avoid each other, and will not dread
coming home after work. In fact, spouses will look forward to seeing each other
and interacting, as they continue to build a healthier and happier
relationship.
Summary & Conclusion
The name of the game is perseverance
and hard work. With good will and sustained effort, most problems can be solved
and the relationship can be restored to the full satisfaction of both partners.
Individuals can learn how to bring out the best in themselves and in their
partners. When happy interactions are initiated, they are self reinforcing and
a benign cycle replaces the vicious cycle that brought the couple into
counseling. A successful marital counseling experience is
eye-opening for both individuals. The experience with the counselor can bring
the couple into a more mature, joyful, happier, richer, wiser and fulfilling relationship
than they had ever experienced before, even better than when they first met.
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