by  Reuben E. Gross, PhD, ABP, ABPP, LMFT

Please note: In this article, I use the terms marriage and spouse, exclusive relationships, and partner or partners. All of my points are equally applicable to any couple in an exclusive relationship. Similarly,  "words like infidelity and cheating  

Introduction

There are so many challenges, varying in the extent of their difficulty,  that a couple faces during the course of their marriage. Sometimes, the couple can manage the problem by themselves, but at other times, the problem is too great for them to solve without professional help. One of these great challenges to a couple is the problem of infidelity. Sadly, this type of transgression is committed by both men and women and various studies point to a rather high frequency. One study claims that as much as 50 per cent of men and 25 per cent of women will cheat on their spouses at one time or another. However, not all studies agree; some give lower, and some give higher, figures. Note, of course, that it is hard to get accurate statistics on this subject, for obvious reasons, so let's take what we hear with a grain of salt, but that doesn't mean that the problem should be ignored.

I am writing this article because I would like to share some of my experiences and thoughts on this heartbreaking, all-too-pervasive and sensitive subject, and to discuss the question posed in the title of this article. From time to time I will refer to case histories of couples with whom I have worked to illustrate whatever point I am making. In each case, I have changed some details to protect the privacy of the couple.

The Pain and Hurt of Infidelity
It is always sad when one or both members of a couple come to the realization that their hoped-for happiness in marriage has not materialized. But it is particularly heartbreaking when one of the individuals begins to question his or her partner's fidelity. This terrible fear, or realization -with the consequent sense of betrayal, very great pain, and a wide range of many other very negative emotions, can occur with either member of a committed couple.  The conviction or suspicion that a person has been betrayed by his/her partner with an act of infidelity will cause great harm to the relationship. It casts a thick cloud over the marriage and will throw the relationship into an unparalleled major crisis… but need not destroy it. In fact, if treated appropriately, and the couple is carefully led through the healing process, there can be a silver lining around this cloud.

Although infidelity occurs with both men and women, since this behavior is more common among men, I shall present my experiences and thoughts on this subject within the context of an unfaithful male partner.

Understandably, not all women react the same way. There is considerable variation both in the range and intensity of emotions and behaviors. Some women report a sense of overwhelming sadness and even depression which affect their ability to eat, sleep, concentrate or focus on their responsibilities, including their job, children, family members and friends, household chores as well as their other routine responsibilities. They also report loss of interest in life, and very little pleasure even when they try to immerse themselves in formerly pleasurable   interests and activities. Many feel totally devastated, cry a lot at home, and even on the job. They are in a state of shock, disbelief and bewilderment that this could have happened to them. They become disillusioned about their marriage. Their dream of total love and faithfulness has been shattered.

Wives who formerly thought that they were something special to their husband now fear that they are not. Some wonder whether their husband will eventually choose the other woman. Others feel discouraged about the future of their marriage because they are disgusted with their husband and don't know if they will ever trust him again, These feelings cause them to lose faith in the relationship and they consider separation or divorce. Many women experience disrespect, belittlement, a loss of self esteem and see themselves as considerably less important or valued than they had seen themselves before the infidelity. They wonder in what way they have failed their husband thus leading him to stray. They wonder if they are as precious or desirable as they have thought of themselves until now. Some feel embarrassed before family, friends and neighbors, not knowing which people of this group know about the infidelity, what their thoughts are and their opinion of how the hurt wife is handling the situation, Are they wondering "Why doesn't she just throw him out, why is she putting up with this?"

Together with the feelings described above there may be enormous feelings of anger, and rage and a desire for revenge. One wife told me that she felt like running over her husband with a car; another said that she felt like pushing him off a cliff. Others have told me that they want to go to their husband's boss and get him fired (especially if his affair was with a coworker, often against company policy). Still others say: I ought to go out and do the same thing and see how he likes it.

Other emotions include a sense of rejection, disrespected, great hurt, powerlessness, and above all a sense of abandonment and betrayal. Frequently, the hurt spouse feels like she's being twirled around by a tornado since her feelings may change from hour to hour and she feels like she's lost control of herself. At one moment she may seek out her husband and feels as close to him as they were when they were first dating but the next moment she is so disgusted that she wants him out of her life. It is perfectly normal for women whose husbands have been unfaithful to be in a heightened state of emotion as they feel twirled around by their emotions. This unpredictability of what she will feel from day to day, confuses many of these hurt spouses, and adds to the pain of this event.

 
A Final Decision Should Not Be Made In The Heat Of Anger
 One lawyer, whose husband had an affair with a coworker said: "If I had the (divorce) papers before me right now, I would sign them!" In response to this woman, I said that it was perfectly normal and self protective to want to detach herself from this man who had hurt her so much. But I then explained to her that at that moment she was in the heat of anger and that she was under the control of the emotional part of her brain. I suggested she put off a final decision until the logical part of her brain is brought into the decision making process.

The goal of the counselor in marriage counseling is to help people make their own decisions about their lives, after considering many factors and as many options as possible. Hopefully, in the case of infidelity as with any major problem that comes into one's life, the person evaluates the situation at length taking both feelings and rational processes into consideration. The final step in coping is to come to terms with the event, and after considering the outcomes of the various options open to them, deals with the problem in terms of their best long term interests.
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As an aside: I remember the lawyer mentioned above very clearly. A mere three months later, she and her husband walked out of my office holding hands smiling and happy as they had even been before. In another couple that I saw, the woman was so devastated that she couldn't stop crying and was virtually falling apart. She did go to work but was barely effective, By the time they were finished with counseling the man said to me "In the past, we had nothing to say to each other, could barely keep up a conversation for five minutes; now, we can't stop talking. Last weekend, we drove to Washington, D.C. and talked the whole way. We are so affectionate in public that our (grown) children are embarrassed and tell us that we are acting like teenagers."

How Could He Have Done This To Me!
In most cases, both spouses still love each other and both are in a state of shock. Even the errant husband is in a state of shock since he never thought that he would be caught, hence he did not give any thought as to what the tremendous consequences of his behavior would be. He never thought it throughWhen women ask me "How can he have done this to me?" I often say:  "He didn't do it to you. He wasn't even thinking of you. He was thinking about himself and what he was getting out of the affair." The wife then replies: "But isn't that selfish?" And I reply: "Very selfish. If he had thought about you and the devastating consequent ramifications to you, the great harm to the marriage, its possible dissolution, and the negative consequences to himself, he never would have done it. But he was affected by his hormones and under the control of the emotional part of his brain. Casting logic to the winds, he was 100 per cent sure that neither you nor anybody else would ever know…."

Would the former Governor Elliot Spitzer have ever scheduled a tryst with a call girl at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington DC if he had considered the consequences? Did he ever envision the far ranging media blitz about this one night stand and the concurrent disclosure of other activities that embarrassed him and brought about his resignation from his position as Governor of NY State just a few days after the discovery was made? The emotional part of his brain simply took over and totally excluded the prefrontal cortex, the seat of logic and reasoning.

Did the former Governor John McGreevy ever think through the consequences of his extramarital behavior? Would he have ever risked the shame of having to resign from his exalted position as Governor of NJ if he had thought the matter through? Here too, the emotional part of the brain hijacked the logical part of the brain. Sadly, there are many other highly elected officials who have suffered the same embarrassment, pain, and fate.

Surely, all of these highly intelligent and accomplished men, very much in the public eye, would have rejected the temptation if they had considered the consequences to their wives and themselves if the matter became public. But they never thought about those consequences, the great hurt and great damage, since they wanted to believe, and convinced themselves, that their behavior would remain a secret forever.

 In many cases, the husband is just as devastated as his wife when he realizes the enormity of his behavior and the horrible pain he has inflicted upon her, his children and others. He may also suffer great shame and he, too, may fear for the future of the marriage. Husbands who love their wives, begin to feel the enormity of the hurt and harm they have done to their wives, and as the healing process progresses, begin to feel their wife's pain, and suffer their own pain due to remorse and guilt about their infidelity. These men are willing to do anything to repair the damage to their wife, regain her love, and restore, as much as possible the confidence and trust that she once had for him.."

Other husbands, for a variety of reasons, are less sensitive to the pain they have caused but are well aware of the havoc they have caused. They, too,  have no thought of divorce and are more than willing to seek out professional help and do what they can, perhaps with less enthusiasm,  for the problem. No two cases are the same.

An Infidelity To A Marriage Is Like An Earthquake To A House

          1.   But Not All Houses Or "Houses" Are The Same

I generally tell my couples that an infidelity in a marriage is like an earthquake to a house. Now, although the metaphor is apt, there are many weaknesses in it. In exploring these weaknesses, I will have an opportunity to make a number of points about the various nuances that go into the making and breaking of a marriage, and show how there is a lot of hope for a marriage that goes through an earthquake.

The Differences Between A Real House:

The strength of a real house can be measured by its construction, and experts can predict fairly well how it would stand up under different conditions. Assuming a very mild earthquake: A thatched hut would collapse, a wood framed house with shingled walls would sustain noticeable damage, but a steel framed house with brick walls may not sustain any damage.

And A Marriage "House"

Now here is one weakness in the metaphor: Unlike the thatched hut where the damage is highly predictable (collapse), this is not the case with a marriage. How can one predict whether a marriage will hold together? Yes, where the marriage is weak (the thatched hut), an infidelity could destroy the edifice. But it doesn't have to. There are so many variables in a marriage. Further, in fact, there could be a positive side to the infidelity.  This crisis in the marriage could be a wakeup call, and with highly skilled professional help the marriage may not only survive but may emerge stronger than it was before the infidelity.

Now, If the marriage was "brick walled with steel girders" prior to the infidelity, in theory a very mild earthquake should cause no damage, but in fact even in  a very good "A" marriage, an infidelity will cause damage and it must be addressed immediately by a professional. If ignored or "smoothed over" by the couple, the damage may very well be "successfully" denied for years and the couple will seemingly have put the event behind them. But in my experience, the damage is still there, lingers in the heart of the hurt party, festers, and if unattended by an experienced professional, may very well eat away at the marriage like termites quietly and slowly destroying the foundation of a house, or build up steam and explode like a volcano, even years later.

Another weakness in the metaphor. No one can predict the harm of an infidelity to a particular marriage. In the case of the wife mentioned above who was ready to sign the (divorce) papers, in response to my question about their happiness in the marriage prior to the infidelity, both said that it had been an "A" marriage. But yet, she was so furious after her husband's infidelity that she felt like divorcing him on the spot.

 Now, some may question: "How can there even be an infidelity in a very good marriage?" Unfortunately, even very good marriages are not infidelity-proof.  Janet Spring, PhD, writes in her book "After The Affair" that most men who have affairs have no complaints about their marriage. My own professional experience is similar: When I ask the offending husband "How would you rate your happiness in the marriage before the affair?" it is amazing how many say "I was perfectly happy. It was an "A" marriage."

          2.   Nor Are All "Earthquakes" The Same:

 A Real Earthquake vs. The Infidelity "Earthquake"

Another weakness in the metaphor:  Whereas, the intensity of a real earthquake can be measured objectively by the Richter scale, an infidelity cannot; It is subjectively experienced by the hurt party. For example, an emotional email flirtation by her husband, with a woman he never met, might be more hurtful to one spouse than a one night stand to another. When I think of the wide range of the wife's possible reactions to her husband's affair(s) that I have experienced, two very different situations come to mind.

At one extreme: An attractive, friendly young couple, who got along very well, were successful at work,  and were quite happy with each other came to me because the wife had reached her limit and wanted her husband to "just cut it out" and stop fooling around with other women. She was aware of at least five other women with whom her husband had had sex, and was getting tired of it all and very annoyed. It was almost at the level of a spouse getting annoyed because her husband bites his nails or slurps his soup. She was not shaken up, depressed, furious, nor scared for the stability of her marriage…just annoyed, fed up, and wanted him to stop.

At the other end of the continuum: a 60 year old man came to me because his wife has been persecuting him practically every day for what she considered an  infidelity that he had committed. Apparently, while his wife was out of town, he took his (female) neighbor out for lunch. The wife did not accuse or suspect him of anything else, but she couldn't tolerate what she considered an infidelity and had been suffering, and making him suffer ever since she came back from the trip ten years ago.

Another factor in measuring the damage of the "earthquake": Males and females react differently to emotional vs. physical affairs of their partners. In a recent article in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, researchers confirmed what previous researches found. In general, women are more hurt by their husband's emotional attachment to the other woman, whereas men are more hurt and angry by their wife's physical attachment to the other man.
Many wives consider their husband's attention to pornographic sites, and certainly cybersex by their husband, extremely upsetting and consider these behaviors an infidelity. I've had situations where a single email, text message, or a suspicious repetition of a number on a cell phone bill has set off a major battle over trust.

An Infidelity Is A Problem

That Should Never Be Underestimated

If not treated properly, an infidelity leaves a residue of lack of trust, lingering pain and resentment and will weaken the relationship for years to come, if not absolutely destroy it at some future point. I remember one woman saying, "He was unfaithful 14 years ago, and the relationship was never the same." They had "smoothed it over" and went about their business, in a state of partial denial. But the pain was there. They had come to me because of a recent infidelity on the husband's part.  The pain of the recent infidelity was greatly magnified because it was augmented by the ever-present pain of her husband's original misdeed, and by her new suspicions that there may have been other incidents that she did not know about. Very soon after the couple began to see me, she said: I've had enough, and she quit therapy, choosing to go to a lawyer instead. When discussing a past or present infidelity I will often say to a couple. "If you cover a pile of garbage with a white sheet, it will not remove the garbage….this problem will not go away; it has to be dealt with."

Assessing The Damage

Coming back to my metaphor of a house that sustains an earthquake. If the owner wants to save the house, he will call in a contractor who will assess the damage. This may include live electrical wires, leaking pipes, broken windows, damaged roof, collapsed wall, etc. All of these have to be repaired to make the house livable. In the case of an infidelity, the husband is not only the precipitant of the earthquake, but he is also the contractor. But whereas a contractor takes out his pad and writes down the damage that he sees with his own eyes, the husband must learn his wife the nature and extent of the damage to her and to the marriage, as she sees it. This takes place during a structured healing process, under the guidance of the counselor, during which time spouses immerse themselves into many structured warm, loving, attentive and sensitive conversations with each other.

I generally tell the husband: "You are not just the contractor who assesses the damage. You are also the electrician, roofer, carpenter, mason, glazier etc. who must fix the damage."

The Silver Lining Around The Cloud Of Infidelity

In some cases, the couple may say to the contractor:  "As long as so many windows are broken, let's replace all of the windows with the kind I've always wanted,,, and since that wall collapsed, let's just push out the house, enlarge that room and convert it into a dream family room with a cathedral ceiling, skylights, fireplace, picture windows, a huge TV and fantastic sound system for music, etc." After the repairs and renovations are completed, the couple ends up with a better house than they ever had before. Now, at this point you know why I believe:   "Yes, there can be a silver lining around the cloud caused by infidelity."

If both partners throw themselves wholeheartedly into the healing process,  the crisis could become a stepping stone to better and increased communication between the couple, greater bonding, a much deeper understanding of each other, a greater appreciation of what marriage and love is all about, a happier and more mature relationship and a greater love for each other than they ever had before the infidelity lifting the marriage to a level it had never reached before.  I have seen this happen again and again, so many times.

But please note: Whereas the cloud comes automatically and suddenly, the silver lining comes only by dint of hard work and gradually, and in direct relation to how hard the couple works on dissipating the cloud.

And although the pain will be greatly diluted even to the point of virtually zero, and the great hurt will slowly but eventually be forgiven, the memory will always be there…yet it, too, will fade over time and lose its negative power. On the positive side, faint as it is, the memory will be a constant reminder of how important each person is to the other and keep both of them on their toes to constantly think of their partner's happiness and not take the marriage for granted.

End of article: Can There Be A Silver Lining Caused By The Cloud of Infidelity?

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