Reuben E. Gross, M.A., M.S.,
Ph.D., A.B.P.P., F.A.A. Clin.P, L.M.F.T is a highly trained, credentialed, experienced,
and caring Marriage Counselor and Psychologist, Licensed by the New Jersey State
Board of Marriage Counselors, and the New Jersey State Board of Psychologists.
He has been in private practice for more than three decades in Teaneck, New Jersey,
Bergen County, and formerly in New York City, while teaching and supervising
marriage counselors and psychotherapists as a professor or clinical supervisor
at universities and psychological clinics. He has also conducted marital enhancement
workshops and communication seminars for married and premarital couples at the
Teaneck Community Education Center in Teaneck, New Jersey.
In spite of all of his degrees
and credentials, Dr. Gross is a very down-to-earth person who offers a warm,
personal, active, and nonjudgmental approach to marriage counseling, premarital
couple counseling, and individual psychotherapy. As an experienced marriage
counselor and psychologist, he will help you address your individual or couple's
problems with highly structured, solution-oriented counseling techniques, and
he is geared to working with you as rapidly as possible. He will treat you with
respect, dignity, and compassion and will insure maximum confidentiality.
Relationship Counseling for Married and
Unmarried Couples
Marriage
and couple counseling is an educational experience that emphasizes self-exploration,
self-revelation, and the acquisition of interactive skills, which promote mutual
understanding, recognition, respect, and appreciation of your partner. Other
goals include learning, developing, and practicing in session with Dr. Gross,
and at home, techniques for constructive communication and conflict-resolution
for long-term marital harmony. This approach equips you and your partner with
lifetime tools that will enable you to honestly and effectively confront and
resolve whatever problems may arise in the future.
In relationship
counseling for married and unmarried couples, Dr. Gross has a highly developed
training program to help couples improve their communication and problem-solving
skills. This program is particularly helpful with couples that chronically fight,
argue futilely, withdraw during arguments, or have become so discouraged that
they have virtually stopped communicating altogether. Dr.
Gross will teach you constructive communication skills,
which will enable you and your partner to explore problems as a team and come
up with solutions that meet both of your needs. For more information
on this subject, please click here for an article on "How to Argue Without Fighting: Looking for a Win-Win Situation." Click here for other articles on "Communication."
Dr. Gross will
help you with a wide variety of problems and the resulting emotions that are at issue. Couples often report frustration, disappointment, hurt, anger, loneliness,
pain and depression due to poor communication, lack of understanding, diminished affection, loss of friendship, infrequent sex,
and a general lack of togetherness. Additional areas of concern may involve lack of respect for partner's opinions or feelings, insensitivity
to each other's emotional needs and disproportionate outbursts of anger. Dr.
Gross will help you explore, evaluate, and agree upon your respective roles
and responsibilities to each other, children (if you have any from this or a
previous relationship), the day-to-day tasks of making plans for the couple,
and running the household. Other problems may center about money, activities
of partner outside of the home, relationships with ex lovers or ex spouses,
interference from in laws, and a need for anger management.
Dr. Gross is also sensitive to, and very experienced with crisis situations such as a clear blow to the marital bond due to lying or infidelity
and the consequent emergence of lack of trust. Other crises include doubts in
the heart of one person whether or not to stay in the relationship/marriage
and/or inability to commit in the first place. But even when one partner has
doubts about compatibility and prospects for happiness and stability for the
long term, and is barely holding onto the relationship, the other partner may
have a very strong wish to solidify the relationship and is
willing to do virtually anything to please their partner and save the marriage.
Dissimilarity in goals, or a disparity between each partner's willingness to invest
great effort into the relationship occurs with both married and unmarried couples.
Consequently, when one person slacks off, the other must work twice as hard to
get the relationship back on track—if he/she thinks that it is worth it.
What if Only One Person is Motivated?
I sometimes compare such
a situation to two people in a canoe on a big lake. If the sky clouds up, a
wind starts blowing and a storm is brewing they should both paddle as hard as
they can to get back to shore. If one person slacks off for whatever reason,
perhaps they are tired, their muscles are strained, or they simply don't
understand the danger of being swamped by the strong winds and waves, the other
person should do his or her best to convince the other of the urgency of the situation, but
in either case must paddle twice as hard. This is not the time to keep score.
The first order of business is to get to safety. Now, analogies have their limits,
but you get my point.
Back to the marriage:
In such a case, the more motivated partner should present the need for professional
help and try to get spousal agreement by making the reasonable argument, "Look,
we can't go on this way and we're not making any progress by ourselves." That
person should express his/her willingness to make the call to the marriage counselor
to set up an appointment that is convenient to both spouses. Hopefully there
is mutual agreement.
If one partner is still
reluctant to go along, the motivated partner should express readiness to go
alone. This is not an admission of weakness; it is an indication of good mental
health. In general, it is the more mentally healthy person who recognizes the
danger signs in a relationship and is willing to do something about them. In most cases, the reluctant
partner joins the process. But even if that doesn't happen, the first
step has been taken, and in a vast majority of cases, the reluctant partner
comes to the second or third visit. In a worst case scenario, when the reluctant
spouse refuses to go—here too, for a variety of reasons—the motivated
spouse knows exactly where he/she stands and must go on with life accordingly.
Should the motivated partner decide to fight for the relationship, a lot can
be accomplished even if the spouse refuses to join the counseling process. Sad, but true, in many cases the reluctant spouse will agree to marriage counseling only when the willing spouse threatens separation or divorce.
Dr. Gross also
works with couples who are separated, and are exploring getting together again,
but wish to resolve the issues that split them up in the first place. He will
also work with you on issues that stem from conflicts of values and philosophy
originating in personality, or different religious, ethnic or cultural backgrounds.
Reducing Conflict is Half of the Goal;
Increasing Harmony and Joy is the Other Half
In addition to
helping you reduce the frequency and intensity of your negative interactions,
Dr. Gross will help you revive your love relationship with exercises that stimulate
mutual respect, recognition, and appreciation of what you and your partner stand
for and are contributing to the relationship. He works with you on exercises
that help you reveal to your partner your emotional needs. He will encourage
a commitment from each of you to attend to and fulfill those stated needs as
much as possible and to engage in enjoyable activities which will enhance your relationship and serve to blend you as a couple.
People marry to
increase their happiness, not their misery. Nor do they marry to feel alone
in the relationship or to spend the rest of their life in frustration, strife
and pain. They want to enjoy life, have fun, and share their thoughts, feelings,
and experiences with their partner/companion/friend/spouse. Spouses want to
grow together as they age, not apart. Dr. Gross' goal is to help you recapture
the love, romance, mutual goodwill, togetherness, kindness, and teamwork that
characterized your relationship at its height, or better. This
will come about with a greater understanding of—and sensitivity to—each
other's needs and an increased knowledge of what marriage is all about. When
you express your new commitment and attitudes to your partner by putting into
practice numerous caring behaviors and pleasurable joint activities, you will
come closer to your aspired goals with each other, and greatly increase your
chances of rekindling some of the magic that characterized the beginning of
your relationship.
Individual Psychotherapy
In individual counseling
or psychotherapy, Dr. Gross can help you with close relationships and other
interpersonal problems. He will also address feelings of loneliness, self-confidence,
self-concept, problems in finding a partner, self-destructive interpersonal
relationships, lack of direction, and career decisions. More extensive therapy
will be provided if you are depressed, anxious, suffer panic attacks or phobias,
or suffer from obsessive-compulsive ideation or behavior. As a therapist Dr.
Gross' style is warm, supportive, and active. He gives homework assignments
when appropriate and will be with you to follow through with you from insight
to behavioral change each step along the road to your goal. As an adjunct to
his role as your therapist, Dr. Gross will refer you to your physician, or one
that he works with, should you desire medication for depression, anxiety, panic
attacks, or insomnia. For more information on Dr. Gross' psychotherapy with
individuals, please see his other website at www.PsychologistNJ.us
Dr. Gross' Theoretical Orientation
In view of his
dual licensure and more than three decades of practice as a licensed Psychologist
and as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Dr. Gross has had extensive
experience as a psychotherapist and marriage counselor with a variety of individuals and couples covering a wide panorama of age, education, ethnic and cultural heritage. His frequent attendance at professional conventions in both disciplines,
and participation in continuing education classes, seminars and extended educational
programs has greatly expanded his repertoire of therapeutic techniques. When
working with clients he draws from many modalities including: Psychodynamic
Therapy, Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy, Rational-Emotive-Behavioral Therapy,
Emotional Focused Couple Therapy, Solution-Focused Marital Therapy, Schema Marital
Therapy, John Gottman's "Relationship Theory," and the "Prevention and Relationship
Enhancement Program" (PREP) for couples.
Drawing upon this
rich background of training and experience, Dr. Gross will approach your individual
or relationship problems with a richer perspective and insight. He will recognize
psychological resistances, emotional logjams, and vicious cycles, and he will
assist you in overcoming them as quickly as possible. He will help you understand,
evaluate, and neutralize the emotional baggage that you bring to your present
situation so that you may be free to lead the kind of life that you choose.
Dr. Gross is readily available by e-mail or phone
to explain his services or help you ascertain your counseling needs and goals.
He will be happy to answer your questions and will not charge for an e-mail
or brief telephone conversation.
Dr. Gross offers:
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